A.J. Mahari's articles on the subject of narcissism, narcissistic abuse, verbal abuse, and abuse

The quest of the non borderline is truly the journey of the yellow brick road. Not unlike Dorothy, in The Wizard of Oz, the non borderline is looking for the kind of truth, answers, and understanding that will lead home - all of which can and will result in the Kansas of their own original mental health. The Kansas of a more stable and peaceful way of relating to self and others that does not engage borderline chaos, whether one stays in relationship to a borderline, or not. A Kansas of arriving back home to find out that, in spite of everything with the borderline, you truly never really left home. You still have you. If you are in the midst of borderline chaos now and you aren't sure if you know yourself anymore, breathe, it will be okay. Take it one moment at a time until you are sure you know what you need. As soon as you know what you need then you can start to make plans to implement the necessary action. Listen to your head, not your heart at this juncture of the journey on the yellow brick road.

I have also written about the reality of narcissism as it unfolds within BPD as I have in an ebook, available now, "The Shadows and Echoes of Self" - The False Self Born Out of the Core Wound of Abandonment in Borderline Personality Disorder and putting up some information about Narcissitic Personality Disorder (NPD) as well. BPD and NPD are not one in the same. However, they can and do co-exist in the same individual in many - but not all cases. However, that said, not everyone with BPD has NPD, and yet they do still also struggle with varying degrees of narcissism. Narcissism, in BPD, is a primitive defense mechanism. Borderlines can learn in therapy how to transcend this, unlike those with NPD who truly more rarely make inroads into increased insight into the reality of their own self-absorption.

"Facing the Facts of Borderline Personality Disorder - On The Other Side of BPD - For Loved Ones and Family Members of those With BPD" Audio Program by A.J. Mahari.

As only one who has been there can A.J. Mahari identifies and explains, from the inside out of Borderline Personality Disorder 10 Main Key Central Facts of Borderline Personality Disorder that Loved Ones and Family Members need to understand to free themselves from the painful hooks and emotional traps on the other side of Borderline Personality Disorder.

What or Who is a Non Borderline?

A non borderline is anyone who is or has been in an relationship with someone diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Those diagnosed with BPD are referred to as borderlines hence those in relationship to them who do not have BPD are known as non borderlines.

The term, non borderline or nonbp are used interchangeably and are also applied to the parents of a borderline, siblings of a borderline, friends of a borderline, children of a borderline and so forth.

Why are there web sites like this one aimed at and for non borderlines?

I mean, if they aren't borderline and they don't have BPD, what's the big deal right? Wrong! Borderline Personality Disorder firstly affects those diagnosed with it. However, because the disorder so severly impacts relating and attachment which form the basis for relationships styles BPD greatly effects those who relate to a borderline.

It has been said by some that, in fact, to be a non borderline, and to have had (or be in) a significant other relationship (or have a family member with BPD), should be coined 'non borderline syndrome' or something similar because there are commonalities too great to ignore that are experienced by non borderlines that are impacting and signifcant health and mental health risks and all from the effects of the borderline and what transpires in the relationship.

Enmeshment is a common challenge in these relationships, whether it is just the borderline who enmeshes or both the borderline and the non borderline. Chemical dependence on the part of many borderline personality disordered people is another factor that often initiates a co-dependent enmeshed style of relating.

Fear of abandonment is a paramount challenge for most every person diagnosed with BPD. It is one of the most central issues that places an enormous burden on the nonbp partner of a borderline and often results in ignoring important issues, giving in and submissive behavior on the part of the non borderline trying to help allievate borderline suffering. This over the long term is just one way that a parent (non borderline) to child (borderline) dynamic gets set up in these often very traumatic, stormy, and intensely unstable relationships. The chaos, storms, and intensely unstable elements being brought to bear in these relationships mainly from the borderlline - and more specifically the borderline's need to avoid even any hint of possible abandonment.

Some Quick Reference Points about Borderlines in Relationships

• Most borderlines have a pervasive lack of self-esteem resulting from inner beliefs of worthlessness that were formed in a defensive reaction to the loss of self experienced during the core wound of abandonment suffered by most, if not all with BPD, and the subsequent arrest in emotional development.
• Many borderlines need (relationally) to be in the sick, martyr, or victim role.
• They strongly need to seek gratification and validation from others because they lack a self from which to validate, or soothe themselves.
• Many borderlines end up shutting down of emotions and feelings resulting as a defense against abandonment depression and abandonment fear and end up with a cold distant and often angry or aloof affect that results in emotional numbness.
• Borderlines have a great need to control others as a means of trying to control themselves because they have no sense of where they end and the non borderline begins. Borderlines often exercise this need to control everyone and every thing around them (the environment even where possible) through passive aggressive behavior and manipulation.

Non borderlines need to aware that behind the borderline's (seemingly) intense caring for another person can be a hidden need for power and control that has its roots in trying to re-do their pasts and in trying to resolve old unresolved wounds from childhood usually in relation to one or both parents. This is the same power drive that underlies all addictions. The non borderline, in response, all-too-often gives up his/her own personal power in attempts to get along with the borderline and in attempts to have some peace. It's the go-along to get-along song. Many non borderlines find themselves in codependent relationships with borderlines. In codependency, the power drive manifests itself as the need to control the behavior of another person. It takes the form of rescuing, worrying or obsessing over the other person. Mental energy is used to try to control the other person thus ignoring personal responsibility for one's own problems. At its root is distorted thinking.

Important Awareness Points For Non Borderlines about Side-Stepping Co-Dependent Behaviour