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Change Your Thoughts - Change Your Life © A.J. Mahari March 2010

Change Your Life - Change Your Thoughts Ebook by A.J. Mahari

Punishment and Revenge in BPD Ebook by A.J. Mahari © A.J. Mahari 2010

Punishment and Revenge in BPD Ebook by A.J. Mahari

Full Circle - Lessons For Non Borderlines Ebook by A.J. Mahari © A.J. Mahari 2007

Full Circle - Lessons For Non Borderlines Ebook by A.J. Mahari

The Power of Gratitude - Healing - Recovery - Wellness and Getting Unstuck © A.J. Mahari December 2010

The Power of Gratitude Ebook by A.J. Mahari

Quest For Self - Building Conscious Self Awareness - Ebook/Coaching Guide/Workbook and Audio © A.J. Mahari January 2011

Quest For Self - Building Conscious Self Awareness Ebook and Audio by A.J. Mahari


The Quest of The Non Borderline - Information For Those On The Other Side of BPD

Pain on Both Sides of BPD

The Shame of Abandonment in BPD


Borderline Personality Disorder deeply effects those who are diagnosed with it. It also casts many a painful shadow on the lives of friends, partners, ex's, and the family members of those who have BPD. This web site is dedicated to those, known as non borderlines who end up on a quest to know more about BPD. Non borderlines quest to understand what has happened, what is going on, why so much has gone so wrong and why they are in so much pain. There are stages of searching, confusion, seeking information and understanding, learning how to disengage the borderline chaos, drama, and punishment, decision-making and boundary setting. Non borderlines also need their own recovery. The quest of the non borderline is the journey of the yellow brick road. Finding their way back from the unreality of the consquences and psychological and emotional carnage of having gotten caught up in the whirlwind of someone's rollercoaster existence with Borderline Personality Disorder. Far from finding the wizard, in the "Land of Oz" non borderlines come to feel as though they have been struck by the house that flattened the Wicked Witch of the East. Trying to relate to someone with BPD, more often than not, leaves the non borderline longing for the Kansas of their own peace of mind and their sanity. © A.J. Mahari November 10, 2007




Sections

A.J.'s New BPD Blog

A.J. will be featuring many of her articles on her new Blog dedicated to Borderline Personality Disorder for both those with BPD and non borderlines in a much more organized way by category as opposed to year and date. She will also be adding new material from time to time. So please check out A.J.'s Borderline Personality Disorder Blog

BPD and Abandonment Audio Program by A.J. Mahari

The Adult-Child of a Borderline Mother By A.J. Mahari



A.J. Mahari's articles on the subject of narcissism, narcissistic abuse, verbal abuse, and abuse

The quest of the non borderline is truly the journey of the yellow brick road. Not unlike Dorothy, in The Wizard of Oz, the non borderline is looking for the kind of truth, answers, and understanding that will lead home - all of which can and will result in the Kansas of their own original mental health. The Kansas of a more stable and peaceful way of relating to self and others that does not engage borderline chaos, whether one stays in relationship to a borderline, or not. A Kansas of arriving back home to find out that, in spite of everything with the borderline, you truly never really left home. You still have you. If you are in the midst of borderline chaos now and you aren't sure if you know yourself anymore, breathe, it will be okay. Take it one moment at a time until you are sure you know what you need. As soon as you know what you need then you can start to make plans to implement the necessary action. Listen to your head, not your heart at this juncture of the journey on the yellow brick road.

I have also written about the reality of narcissism as it unfolds within BPD as I have in an ebook, available now, "The Shadows and Echoes of Self" - The False Self Born Out of the Core Wound of Abandonment in Borderline Personality Disorder and putting up some information about Narcissitic Personality Disorder (NPD) as well. BPD and NPD are not one in the same. However, they can and do co-exist in the same individual in many - but not all cases. However, that said, not everyone with BPD has NPD, and yet they do still also struggle with varying degrees of narcissism. Narcissism, in BPD, is a primitive defense mechanism. Borderlines can learn in therapy how to transcend this, unlike those with NPD who truly more rarely make inroads into increased insight into the reality of their own self-absorption.

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A.J. Mahari's articles on the subject of narcissism, narcissistic abuse, verbal abuse, and abuse


audio logo "Facing the Facts of Borderline Personality Disorder - On The Other Side of BPD - For Loved Ones and Family Members of those With BPD" Audio Program by A.J. Mahari.


As only one who has been there can A.J. Mahari identifies and explains, from the inside out of Borderline Personality Disorder 10 Main Key Central Facts of Borderline Personality Disorder that Loved Ones and Family Members need to understand to free themselves from the painful hooks and emotional traps on the other side of Borderline Personality Disorder.

read more ...


What or Who is a Non Borderline?

A non borderline is anyone who is or has been in an relationship with someone diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Those diagnosed with BPD are referred to as borderlines hence those in relationship to them who do not have BPD are known as non borderlines.

The term, non borderline or nonbp are used interchangeably and are also applied to the parents of a borderline, siblings of a borderline, friends of a borderline, children of a borderline and so forth.

Why are there web sites like this one aimed at and for non borderlines?

I mean, if they aren't borderline and they don't have BPD, what's the big deal right? Wrong! Borderline Personality Disorder firstly affects those diagnosed with it. However, because the disorder so severly impacts relating and attachment which form the basis for relationships styles BPD greatly effects those who relate to a borderline.

It has been said by some that, in fact, to be a non borderline, and to have had (or be in) a significant other relationship (or have a family member with BPD), should be coined 'non borderline syndrome' or something similar because there are commonalities too great to ignore that are experienced by non borderlines that are impacting and signifcant health and mental health risks and all from the effects of the borderline and what transpires in the relationship.

Enmeshment is a common challenge in these relationships, whether it is just the borderline who enmeshes or both the borderline and the non borderline. Chemical dependence on the part of many borderline personality disordered people is another factor that often initiates a co-dependent enmeshed style of relating.

Fear of abandonment is a paramount challenge for most every person diagnosed with BPD. It is one of the most central issues that places an enormous burden on the nonbp partner of a borderline and often results in ignoring important issues, giving in and submissive behavior on the part of the non borderline trying to help allievate borderline suffering. This over the long term is just one way that a parent (non borderline) to child (borderline) dynamic gets set up in these often very traumatic, stormy, and intensely unstable relationships. The chaos, storms, and intensely unstable elements being brought to bear in these relationships mainly from the borderlline - and more specifically the borderline's need to avoid even any hint of possible abandonment.

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Some Quick Reference Points about Borderlines in Relationships

  • Most borderlines have a pervasive lack of self-esteem resulting from inner beliefs of worthlessness that were formed in a defensive reaction to the loss of self experienced during the core wound of abandonment suffered by most, if not all with BPD, and the subsequent arrest in emotional development.
  • Many borderlines need (relationally) to be in the sick, martyr, or victim role.
  • They strongly need to seek gratification and validation from others because they lack a self from which to validate, or soothe themselves.
  • Many borderlines end up shutting down of emotions and feelings resulting as a defense against abandonment depression and abandonment fear and end up with a cold distant and often angry or aloof affect that results in emotional numbness.
  • Borderlines have a great need to control others as a means of trying to control themselves because they have no sense of where they end and the non borderline begins. Borderlines often exercise this need to control everyone and every thing around them (the environment even where possible) through passive aggressive behavior and manipulation.

Non borderlines need to aware that behind the borderline's (seemingly) intense caring for another person can be a hidden need for power and control that has its roots in trying to re-do their pasts and in trying to resolve old unresolved wounds from childhood usually in relation to one or both parents. This is the same power drive that underlies all addictions. The non borderline, in response, all-too-often gives up his/her own personal power in attempts to get along with the borderline and in attempts to have some peace. It's the go-along to get-along song. Many non borderlines find themselves in codependent relationships with borderlines. In codependency, the power drive manifests itself as the need to control the behavior of another person. It takes the form of rescuing, worrying or obsessing over the other person. Mental energy is used to try to control the other person thus ignoring personal responsibility for one's own problems. At its root is distorted thinking.

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Important Awareness Points For Non Borderlines about Side-Stepping Co-Dependent Behaviour

  • Stand up and speak assertively when threatened.
  • Say "No", state firm boundaries and where you draw your line, implement, and hold the boudaries when they are challenged and be consistent.
  • Have an announced plan that you will leave the situation if and when your boundaries are not respected - and then be sure to consistently to that.
  • Shield yourself against the negative energy of name-calling, ridicule, and any and all other forms of abuse by setting a zero tolerance policy and by enforcing it.
  • To use techniques of self-soothing when you are upset and to take space from the borderline.
  • To identify and name feelings and use 'I' statements when appropriate
  • To express your feelings appropriately when threatened but refrain from doing so when it's not safe.
  • Ensure that you do not let the borderline invalidate or discount your feelings.
  • Express your anger in safe and productive ways during calmer times with the borderline to increase the chances that you wiull be heard and to ensure you keep a healthy self esteem.

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Behaviour that the Non Borderline does not want to engage in or match

  • Any narrowing of your personal interests that result in you intensely focusing on the relationship.
  • Trying to change, rescue or control your borderline partner.
  • Be careful not to fall into emphasizing "working on the relationship" to the point that it becomes a life style all on its own - and one that is usually associated with constant chaos and/or conflict, especially if and when the borderline doesn't feel that you are doing what he/she wants you to.
  • Allowing yourself to be drawn into the constant crises of the borderline who is attempting albeit inappropriately to gain and hold your undivided attention to meet his/her narcissistic needs.
  • Do not have a standing committment to remaining in the relationship if it is becoming too destructive.
  • Do not let the high level of suffering of the borderline manipulate you into becoming a master of martyrdom.
  • Do not compromise or sacrifice your own needs orl interests to placate the borderline who wants you to just meet his/her needs 24/7.

Non Borderlines can step off the emotional rollercoaster of chaos and often abuse from the borderline in their life.

I will be writing more new articles here very soon to give you more food for thought. So, please keep checking back.

© A.J. Mahari, January 15, 2007

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More Articles By A.J. Mahari of Relevance to Nons





audio logo "Facing the Facts of Borderline Personality Disorder - On The Other Side of BPD - For Loved Ones and Family Members of those With BPD" Audio Program by A.J. Mahari.


As only one who has been there can A.J. Mahari identifies and explains, from the inside out of Borderline Personality Disorder 10 Main Key Central Facts of Borderline Personality Disorder that Loved Ones and Family Members need to understand to free themselves from the painful hooks and emotional traps on the other side of Borderline Personality Disorder.

read more ...


Soul's Thought of The Day Relevant to Non Borderlines and The Need for Change


Ebooks On BPD For Borderlines and Nons by A.J. Mahari

Audio Programs On BPD For Borderlines and Nons by A.J. Mahari


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Last up-dated November 7, 2009



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The Legacy of Abandonment in Borderline Personality Disorder © A.J. Mahari 2006

The Legacy of Abandonment in Borderline Personality Disorder The Abandoned Pain of Borderline Personality Disorder © A.J. Mahari 2006

The Abandoned Pain of Borderline Personality Disorder Mindfulness and Radical Acceptance for Non Borderlines © A.J. Mahari 2006

The Lost Self in BPD Break Free From the BPD Maze - Recovery For Non Borderlines Audio Program © A.J. Mahari 2006

The Lost Self in BPD 5 Bundle Set Ebooks - Core Wound In BPD © A.J. Mahari 2006

5 Bundle Set Ebooks - Core Wound In BPD

Adult Child of BPD Mother in Search For Closure Audio © A.J. Mahari 2006



A.J. Mahariís Thought Changing Affirmations 5 Volume Set © A.J. Mahari 2006

The Lost Self in BPD