Inhibited Grieving

Borderlines often channel their grief into acting out behaviour that only compounds their grief and pain. Learning to break through the inhibited cycle of grief is a major part of healing.

One of the hallmarks of Borderline Personality Disorder for many that are diagnosed with it is inhibited grieving.

You cannot grieve what your defenses will not allow you to feel. Your defense mechanisms are largely molded and shaped by both your experiences and by the choices that you make in reaction to those experiences. Many of those choices are entirely subconscious at the time they were made. All choices - even the ones you don't make have consequences.That is what is so challenging about learning to grieve.

You first have to look at your current behaviour. What behaviour are you manifesting in your life instead of feeling? Then you have to figure out what defense mechanisms you are using and why. The next step is to begin to change the identified patterns of behaviour which will result in your defenses being lowered. This is how you can open the door to grief. You must also be very patient with this process. The reason is simple, it is a long one. It can rear-up in a split-second if something unexpected triggers you. In fact this is why so much of borderline behaviour is controlling and always trying to remove any element of surprise from the lives of those who have it. Surprise is very difficult to deal with when you don't know what you feel.

When you don't know what you feel you don't know how to predict how you will respond. This means that you are likely to feel out of control which is threatening.

Grieving is inhibited when it is channeled in unhealthy directions. Often borderlines re-route this grief into anger, acting out and self-sabotage. The pain of grieving, in the long run is truly less than the pain that borderline behaviour often only compounds.

If you feel sad, if you are aware of the losses in your life that have left you with this sadness know that it is natural to grieve. Give yourself permission to grieve and stop channeling your sadness into thoughts and or activities that just increase your pain and make your life harder and very much add to your already stock-piled grief.

© Ms. A.J. Mahari - April 29, 2001

as of January 5, 2002