Going Through The Motions - Borderline Style
Going through the motions borderline style is a choice to stay disconnected from one's true self. It is a painful, lonely, and isolating place to be. We end up going through the motions when we refuse to feel the full range of human emotion that life and the circumstances of life present us with.
You don't have to have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) to be going through the motions. However, those with BPD may be more inclined to feel as though they are simply going through the motions in life. I refer to this as "going through the motions - borderline style".
There are several reasons for this. Among them, borderline proclivity toward depression, anxiety, panic, dissociation, denial, false-self, stock-piled anger to name but a few.
Going through the motions borderline style is often a case of being disconnected from who you really are, what you really want out of life and what you really need from life and yourself. It is a feeling of not being connected to anyone or anything. It is lonely, isolating and very painful.
When one is merely going through the motions there can be a strong feeling that nothing matters. This is most often depression. More often than not a borderline going through the motions may not be able to feel anything. This denial and or detachment from one's emotions can be very damaging and distancing. It often leads to acting out. Many borderlines act out and cause chaos in relationships to try to get a feeling of connection, to make something matter and to get out of that merely going through the motions mindset.
There is a better way though. To really work through the reasons why you can end up going through the motions means doing going to therapy and honestly working through your issues. In my experience it was denied and dissociated pain from my past that left me depressed and merely going through the motions. Living in that state of mind, feeling that void of feeling is a very alienating experience. It can lead many to numb themselves even further through drugs, alcohol, food, sex, cutting, etc all in an effort to FEEL something.
If you feel like you are living behind a wall of glass and that you in fact aren't feeling much - nothing seems to matter and you don't feel connected to yourself or to anyone else, you may well be going through the motions borderline style. You don't have to continue to do this. Seek help. Talk to a therapist about it. You don't have to live your life behind dissociative walls of glass in avoidance of your feelings.
The way to end this going through the motions borderline style is to learn to be in touch and stay in touch with what you are actually feeling. This can be very scary at first. It will become less and less so as you feel your feelings and work on your issues. It might sound trite but feeling your pain is such a huge step forward. The only way out of merely going through the motions is to get in touch with your pain, feel it, work through the issues, grieve and realize that your pain is yours. It is not bigger than you. It does not have to control you or what you do or how you feel. You can make the choice to learn how to control yourself.
Going through the motions denys you so much of what life has to offer you. Dare to connect. Feel the fear and do it anyway. Dare to believe that you deserve more and that you can free yourself (through therapy) from this dissociatively-disconnected dreariness.
You are the painter at the easel of your life. You can decide to connect. Living a connected life - connected to yourself, your feelings and to others - not merely going through the motions is what it is to live your life in full and living colour.
© Ms. A.J. Mahari - March 5, 2001