Jackson's Response:
Marg and I made a very abrupt transition. We
went from trying to control Joan’s negative behavior and death grip on family functions
to a sense of freedom from tyranny. As I have mentioned, Joan left our home at age 16.
When she left, a giant thunder cloud lifted.
Originally, my intent in attempting to control Joan’s behavior revolved around
showing Joan how bad personal choices led to bad consequences. Towards the middle teens,
my ideas changed. I began to see that Joan was going to continue her path of self
destructive, and by extension, family destructive conduct. My main focus became damage
control. How could I limit the effects of Joan’s behavior on the rest of the family?
My rationale was straight forward. Life had to make Joan responsible to herself. I
could not accomplish this task. When Joan stole a precious antique wedding band set
from Marg, we prosecuted her. When Joan became totally unruly, Marg and I filed a PINS
(Person in need of supervision) petition which is a legal form of control used to rein
in wayward behavior. When money began disappearing, we stopped leaving cash around the
house. When property began disappearing, we put locks on doors and closets. These were
self protective and damage control measures.
Joan returned home several times after age 16 for various reasons. Who knows, she
may yet return again. I wonder and fear a return though. If it came down to a homeless
daughter and grandson or having Joan back home, what would I decide? Tough choice there.
Joan is a home wrecker. She would once again make herself the focal point of family life.
Letting Joan go was a survival tactic. Logic told me I could not save Joan from herself
but I could disengage the rest of my family. Joan made life miserable for Marg and Alice,
as well as me. Having three functional people balanced my decision to let go one dysfunctional
daughter. Throwing Joan out at 16 was the right way to go for my family.
Since I compartmentalize well, I was and am able to escape the overt grief and sadness
you might expect a father to feel in these circumstances. I don’t feel guilty at all. I did
what needed to be done to facilitate a much better family atmosphere.
I have a favorite saying about using the defensive psychology of compartmentalization:
"Compartmentalizing may not be the healthiest way to deal with a problem but it’s better
than putting a bullet in your head or jumping off a bridge."
The piper must always be paid. Ultimately, my goal to really come to terms with this
situation remains with the idea of discovering how to forgive Joan. I am on a personal
journey of my own trying learn how to forgive. I am not even close to understanding how
this is done; but I know that forgiveness is absolutely necessary for my own healing.
What Parents Of Those With BPD Really Need To Know
as of December 24, 2003
