Jackson's Response:
As Joan grew older, she became more mobile,
more cunning, more planned, and a better liar. Marg and I often believed outlandish
tales because we wanted so much to believe Joan had a reasonable explanation for
her errant and disruptive behavior. We got suckered into believing some pretty wild
tales, not because we were naive, but because we wanted to think Joan had logical
reasons for doing what we perceived were totally off the wall things. Joan was good
at using her common sense to appeal to our logic.
Photgraphs of Joan were disappearing. We'd look in an old album and see most all
of Joan's pictures were removed. Steak and pearing knives began disappearing. Cash
was disappearing. None of it made sense to us. We learned not to leave more than a
couple of single dollar bills laying around the house. When confronted about pictures,
knives, cash and so on, we got more and more lies and manipulations.
We forced therapy on Joan. We went to a family therapist to see if he could help.
We tried private therapy for Joan. We spent lots of time traveling to places Joan
wanted nothing to do with. As far as she was concerned, we were the ones with the
problems, not her. Joan never willingly decided to seek help. To my knowledge to this
day, still does not acknowlege she has any mental health issues. We learned that
forcing help on someone who doesn't want it simply doesn't work--not even a little bit.
vJoan explosive rages made life at home extremely tense. If you said: "What a lovely day,
Joan would counter and tell you rain was expected in the next several hours." Marg and I,
as well as Alice lived under difficult circumstances for many years. Towards the last
several years, we began to think Joan was quite capable of taking a baseball bat and
bashing our heads in. I installed hasps and locks on closet doors. We lived like a
family under seige. We were under siege to Borderline behavior.
I don't recall family members being harsh towards us. They were aware of our situation
relative to Joan. We never hid the fact that Joan was raising hell. The people we love
and care about were apprised about our family dynamics. Family sympathized with our plight
but had no concrete way to help us. The suggestions proffered by family were most often
ideas we had already tried or considered.
Occasionally, I'd get weary of the: "Did you try this or that?" approach. I can be
quite explosive myself when pushed too far. When my anger got loose, everyone backed
off the subject. No one could tell me how to handle that terrible rage or frustration I
felt. When in a rage of my own, I'd say something like: "Yeah OK, what would you do if
your daughter told you to go fuck yourself, raised her hands to her mother, didn't care
about rules of the house, lived in her room like she was raised in a barn, and the law
said you will support this child until she is 21 no matter what.?" I got a lot of silence
between my question and no response.
Joan's behavior made it evident that she was the one out in left field, not Marg, not
me or sister Alice. Honesty means telling it like it is. Even if we wanted to hide Joan's
mental illness, it would not be possible. I suggest you be right up front with others when
they ask you about your son or daughter's behavior. There should be no shame or guilt
involved in this acknowledgement unless you actually were or still are abusive. If this
is the case, it's a topic for another time.
Letting Go and Not Enabling BPD Behavior
as of December 24, 2003
