Jackson's Response:
Men and women are vastly different.
Perfectly obvious you observe? For me, it means more than the simple
differences between the sexes. What follows are personal ideas that seem
true for me.
Women carry the child in the womb for nine months. The physical and the
emotional connection of a mother to a child is symbiotic and irreplaceable.
No father can replace this basic tenet of creation. The bond between a
mother and child is almost unshakable. There are many exceptions to the
rule, but in usual terms, this is an accurate assessment to my way of thinking.
Mothers have a fierceness of purpose. Most would give up their own lives to
protect the child. It's in a mother's gut. The immediate reaction to danger is to
protect. I don't believe fathers have quite the same affective drive towards
protection. It is more of a warrior attitude to protect his progeny from destruction.
I have an easier time turning away from Joan. Marg has never really truly turned
away. The sense of needing to protect and care for the child still remains for Marg.
I think this is instinctual for mothers. No matter how old a child, Mom is always
available. As a father, I am no longer available to meet Joan's needs.
This is not to say I don't lay awake at night and try to figure out what I can
do that might be really useful. Recently Marg and I revisited the possibility buying
another home for Joan. In the end, we decided not to. The point here was I initiated
the conversation. I was looking again for a positive way to help my daughter.
Borderline behavior causes ambivalence about what might be done to help. Borderline
behavior is crisis centered and episodic -- moving from explosive anger at the loved
one to adoration on the other end. Shrinks called it splitting. Either I am the best
or the worst, in my daughter's estimation, nothing in between.
Marg seems to be more able to swing with the polarities. Me, well I can't switch
affective gears so quickly. I think conditionally. I have no idea what unconditional
means or how to separate a person from his or her behavior. Evidently Marg does.
I think Marg forgives naturally. Marg is not nearly as conditional and can love
past the hurt. I don't seem to be able to make that leap yet. I am clinical and
compartmentalized. Marg is a loving mother and less conflicted about the past.
Both Marg and I suffer a deeply disappointing consensus on where Joan is going.
The vicarious hurt parents suffer for the child is a tremendous long-term burden.
To know that Joan makes most, if not all, of her decisions based on emotions ensures
a very difficult life for our child.
We know many chapters remain unwritten. I am a little more stoic knowing that
many more shoes are going to drop before its said and done.
Coping As A Family With Borderline Daughter
as of December 15, 2003
