Jackson's Response:
My dream for Joan was simple in theory.
Joan needed to complete high school. Go to college. She needed to become
financially independent and not have to rely on anyone for a livelihood.
I wanted Joan to have the same value system I had. I wanted Joan to be
happy and content within herself. Sounds pretty simple.
I would venture a guess most would understand this simple dream for a
daughter--independence, success, happiness, the American dream. The ideal is
wholesome and rings true for a father.
Joan's job was to go to school. If she wasn't going to do that, than what
was she going to do all day? I would not allow her to sit around home all day.
Joan made no attempt to help Marg with any domestic chores. Joan already had
a couple of unauthorized parties at home. We had property missing and cigarette
burns in our furniture. Angry? You might say that's an understatement.
Joan's behavior changed my expectations. She dropped out of high school. She
went her own way after I threw her out of the house. That was to be expected.
Joan evidently didn't see how her behavior impacted on the rest of the family.
Either that, or she flat out did not care. Frankly, I don't think Joan cared
about anyone but herself and her own emotional needs.
Joan didn't put together the fact I liked my home the way it was. I wanted
my property to be in tact. I didn't want strangers in my home. Especially the
types of friends Joan was making. No matter how much breathe was expended on
trying to explain these realities to Joan, she ignored my wishes.
The disregard of my values and my property coupled with Joan's self centered
"what have you done for my lately" attitude, combined to make a giant sea change
in my fatherly behavior. No matter which way I turned to try and help, Joan threw
my love back into my face with such vigor and acid, I had to turn away completely
in order to mentally survive.
When Joan comes to visit, I have almost nothing to say. She has chosen her
way and must step along that trail. We give some monetary support to help out
some, but not much. Marg makes sure to buy the necessities for birthday and
Christmas presents so the family has some basics. As other needs pop up, Marg
makes sure they are met. I do not interfere with what Marg needs to do for Joan.
I have mediated my expectations to meet reality. Joan will live the way she
chooses. Marg and I both think that Joan is making better choices. My anger is
cooling a bit. I am still working within myself to heal the wounds Joan made in
my soul. I no longer try to control Joan because I think I know what's best for
her. I am indeed letting the natural consequences of her own behavior dictate
the agenda.
Father's Experience Compared to Mother's
as of December 15, 2003
