Jackson's Response:
I was and am a fairly traditional person.
My first goal is centered on the financial support of my family. Most of my
time is spent making a living. Marg has always been the main stay of family
life and child rearing. Twenty-nine years later, this still works the same way.
I really don't know how to define closeness. I sometimes read bedtime
stories or performed little children's rhymes for Joan when she was a small
child. I wrote a special song for Joan no more then a week after she was
born. I haven't played that song in many years.
I don't think I was especially close or distant. My daily focus was
work. My family got what emotional capital I had left at the end of the
day. I often made big Sunday breakfasts and I think Joan knew she was
loved and protected through those growing years.
Lots of the details become hazy after a few years. I used to make
journal entries years back, but it is too painful for me to turn back to
them for proper chronology now. My notations only summon up the past. I
have no power over the past.
Fifth grade seemed to be a turning point for Joan. She was not doing well
academically. Marg and I actually realized at about age 11, Joan had some
problems. We just did not know what kind of problems and to what extent.
We knew Joan had testing anxiety, but certainly not a phobia. She would
get prepared for a test and not do well; not because of the test content,
but because of the fear of not doing well.
This point bothers me because I think both Marg and I could have done a
much better job of allaying Joan's fear. I'm afraid we probably added more
anxiety by way of our expectations. If I had a chance to make amends, I
would have settled for far less in scholastic consistency and far more on
self esteem.
We consulted with the school psychologist, a private academic testing firm,
and teachers. We discovered Joan's intellectual capacity was normal. What was
not normal was Joan's emotional responses.
Joan's emotional responses critically impaired her ability to process
information. In hind site, this summation is relatively succinct. It is only
in retrospect and with more understanding of BPD that I can sum up the disconnect
between Joan's cognitive and emotional abilities.
A special educational plan was formulated through school meetings and
assessments. Marg and I began to understand that helping Joan progress was going
to be much more of a challenge. We sensed intuitively at first, a very long
road was ahead of us.
Initial Dream (Expectations) for My Borderline Daughter
as of December 15, 2003
