AJ's Response:
It's very hard to speak to your situation because each
person handles it differently. Really, I guess you have to
decide what you really need. I can only imagine how hard
it would be to feel that you can't go on as things are,
wish he'd change or contemplate leaving.
You might really benefit from reading the book,
Stop Walking on Eggshells Coping When Someone You
Care about Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul T. Mason, Randi
Kreger, Larry J. Siever
It was written for those who are not borderline
and who are in a relationship with one.
I also have ebooks available that explain BPD for those with it and Nons
and 3 ebooks just for non borderlines along with audio programs as well.
Purchase all 3 of ebooks for NON BORDERLINES packaged together
with or without audio.
Non Borderlines - You can purchase 6 ebooks packaged together
with or without audio.
Those with BPD and/or Non Borderlines can purchase A.J. Mahari's 3 "Core Wound of Abandonment"
series ebooks packaged together with or without audio.
Ask yourself if you deserve more than someone who seems
not to be able to committ to you and who, from the sounds of
what you describe, does not consider anyone else's feelings
but his own.
His need to have you agree with everything he thinks or
says doesn't sound like a very healthy situation. Because
borderline have to defend against so much of what others
experience as the give and take and flow of life, many are
very narcissistic and between this and defense mechanisms
and an inability to really do intimacy in any mature way
it sounds as though you are just setting yourself up for
fall after fall.
If he does not recognize that he has issues that need his
attention and that the way he deals with his mood swings and
rages are likely abusive then he is not able to take responsibility
for his behaviour. This is not up to you to do either. A non-
borderline, such as yourself, cannot hope to have his/her needs
met in a relationship where the other party (namely the borderline)
is living in his own world with his own rules and not behaving in
ways that are deserving of trust, intimacy or perhaps even relating.
Having BPD does not give one a license to abuse or to neglect or to
be unfaithful.
It sounds as if you are almost making excuses for his shortcomings
ascribing them to his illness and then trying to live in a "crazy"
universe that is his world to be able to have him in your life. Why?
BPD or not, healthy relating cannot come out of such excuse-making.
I'm sure he's very good to you in between the abusive and dis-respectful
time but is that really enough for you?
Ultimately, what you have to decide is what you deserve
and what you need to do for you to be happy. You will not
be able to change him.
This response is © A.J. Mahari 2004
Mail Bag Main Page
This page/section was moved from Soul's Self-Help Central October 13, 2002 and
is © Ms. A.J. Mahari (& Borderlinepersonality.ca (.org) 2000-2007
was last up-dated July 29, 2007
