Firstly, let me say that sounds like a very
difficult and stressful perception to deal with.
I think it can be a very isolating perception.
I am sure that as you describe this as the way
that you feel, that is quite real for you. The thing
that I've learned, that is so important when it comes
to a perception such as this one, is to check out what
I can and to re-think what I otherwise can't check out
In my experience there are two sides to the issue
with regard to a perception like this one. One side is
the reality of what the world we live in is. It is
a collective reality that stresses a lot of everyday
surface interaction. This common-everyday kind of
interaction can certainly seem phoney and in fact likely
has some not so terribly authentic aspects to it.
The other side of this issue of people seeming
phoney, I think, in my experience with BPD has more
to do with where the perceiver is at any given moment.
We can perceive someone in the here and now as
phoney based upon our experiences of someone in our
past that this person (or these people) may be
mirroring. It is important to ask yourself if this
is a trigger or if this is from your past. Often
we will have perceptions, such as this one about
others but they are usually fleeting, time-limited
and not points at which we feel the need to "stay
stuck". They are not perceptions that we feel in any
way threatened by.
If however the reason you are experiencing people
as phoney "now" comes from your past then you will
likely end up stuck with these perceptions and their
accompanying feelings for some time. The reason has
all to do with what it is that you need to work
I think another big component of feeling that others
are phoney or experiencing someone as phoney has all
to do with the perceiver. Why do I say this? Well,
it is no secret that those diagnosed with BPD struggle
to establish, know, understand and then hold consistently
their own "authentic self". To the degree that one
remains dissociated from one's "true self" may be the
degree to which you doubt your own true being and sense
of authenticity. This then, is likely what you are projecting
out to others and then clouds your experience of them
to the degree that they seem phoney to you.
I don't think the vast majority of people are as
phoney as you describe feeling/believing they are. I
think that what you feel is being clouded by past
experience and unresolved emotional conflicts/needs.
If you can get more in touch with yourself, your
"authentic self" you will likely begin to experience
others as more "real". In order for others to be
"real" you have to be "real" with, to and inside
This response is © A.J. Mahari
Mail Bag Main Page
This page/section was moved from Soul's Self-Help Central October 13, 2002 and
is © Ms. A.J. Mahari (& Borderlinepersonality.ca (.org) 2000-2007
was last up-dated July 29, 2007