AJ's Response:
Firstly, I am glad that you want to live. Wanting
to live in and of itself can help somewhat. Even
when you feel suicidal it is important not to lose
sight of the fact that you, indeed, do want to live.
I hope that you are dealing with this in therapy.
If not, you would benefit from getting into therapy.
For many with BPD, suicide gestures and or suicidality
has a lot to do with avoiding their emotions, feelings
and pain. The wish is not to die but to just stop
suffering or to just be able to feel, in some cases.
Often there is a lot of ambivilance abound feeling
versus not feeling. Some borderlines are trying
desperately, at all costs, to avoid feeling. Other
borderlines want to feel but feel numb.
My personal opinion is that deep down inside
what is going on is that fight between the
false self and the real self that I speak so
much about in what I write. I see it as a very
central issue in BPD. It is the false self that
feels like it wants to die, not one's authentic
self. The problem is that most borderlines (in
the throes of BPD) don't know anything but their
false selves.
I believe that your authentic self wants to
live. But you may not have learned yet how to
live out the reality of your authentic self.
This is the goal of recovery -- to integrate
your authenticity with your thoughts, actions
and feelings.
It is also very important to remember that
when times are stressful whatever ability
you have to cope will be severely compromised.
It is often recommended that you plan how
you can cope in stressful times, or times when
you feel suicidal when you are calm and doing
better. This way, you have something (some
coping skills and back-up plans) to reach for
instead of once again trying to kill yourself.
The biggest illusion about death to the
suicidal person is that it is the ONLY
solution -- THIS IS NOT
TRUE! What is true is that is is the
only choice that you've continued to make. You
can learn to make new choices. With the help
of a therapist and your making a commitment
to make new choices when you feel suicidal
you can and will learn to choose other ways
to get through those most stressful times.
Every day was once a struggle for me too.
This is no longer the case. My point is that
you've got to commit to living long enough to
get the point (and you can get there) where
you know what I know, where your life will
show you that there are times without such
pain or numbness or lostness. Finding yourself
is the key to saving your life, quite literally.
Think very hard about doing your utmost to
make new choices. The power is really yours.
Your authentic self awaits your company. Turn
inward and learn how to hold that inner-child
when the tides of life are too overwhelming
and remember that as each wave hits you,
"this too shall pass". Wait it out. You can
and you will outlive it and live through it.
This response is © A.J. Mahari
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This page/section was moved from Soul's Self-Help Central October 13, 2002 and
is © Ms. A.J. Mahari (& Borderlinepersonality.ca (.org) 2000-2002
was last up-dated July 29, 2007
