AJ's Response:
I think that your fear is quite understandable.
I would also think that experiencing healing and
vast improvements in yourself would make things
rather new. To approach relating after one has
done a lot of healing from BPD is truly starting
over again.
You know what happened in the past. You likely
know why. All you can do about that now is grieve it
and then let it go. You did the best you could with
what you knew. Now, you know better and you will
do better as a result.
Begin by celebrating the fact that you have healed
greatly. Begin with the celebration that you have
taken responsibilty for yourself and that you no longer
will hurt others. Let others be responsible for themselves
as well. You can only take care of yourself.
Often, after we experience great change we need time
to catch up and to process all of our change. The more
we grow and evolve the more we have to make adjustments
in how we relate to others and in the others we choose
to even relate with.
Be patient with yourself. Perhaps you need this time
of isolation to just be with yourself. In this time you
can become more confident with who you are now and what
that means.
There is also the reality that for many who are
recovering from BPD there is time that you can't get
back. There are developmental experiences in the natural
maturation process that you likely have missed. I know
I've experienced this. So, when you set out to relate to
others you do so, much healed, more mature, and so forth,
but you do so without comparable experience with your
peers because they have been relating and growing from
a known and stable sense of self for much longer than
you have. It will take time to make up some of that
ground. That's okay.
Think about the choices you are making and why.
If you want to change the fact that you are isolated
begin by making one or two new choices and following through
on those and slowly exposing yourself to people in whatever
ways you can. Pursue an interest, join a group or organization
that involves your interests or hobbies. Experience being
around people. Try not to have too many expectations. Don't
try to push or rush connecting with others. Just enjoy making
new choices, going outside, taking walks and let whatever time
you share with new people just evolve and see what happens.
This response is © A.J. Mahari, February 2003
