Non-Borderlines on Borderlines
1) What would you most want borderlines to know about how
non-borderlines experience the BPD of others generally?
I do believe that you with BPD suffer tremendeously. And I
do wish that things would have been different. But this is
what weīve got. I would like borderlines to accept that weīre
on the same side, against the disorder. And yes, I as a "non"
hurt when you hurt. But, I find it extremely important to share
not only the darkness, but to share the good things as well.
It takes a lot of courage from both sides: I have to be brave
to face the darkness that you carry with you, because when you
show me that darkness, I canīt escape the confrontation with
my own pain. And, you will have to be brave when you feel that
small happiness inside you, and realise that youīre not only
darkness and pain. (I say this, because it is my experience that
the borderline in my life, fights most against his own "good"
feelings.)
2) How were you most hurt by the borderline in your life?
I was most hurt by the "push-and-pull behaviour" and the
contradictory messages. Closeness one day, and the next day
being related to, as if I were a stranger to him. Periods of
activities together, and then his "disappearance". Weeks of
silence, only to be followed by him suddenly showing up again.
3) What did you do in response to the answer to #2?
I confronted him with his way of treating me. I told him that
I couldnīt take it anymore. I felt as if I were torn into two
pieces.
4) When your borderline "acts out" or "pushes you away" (or did in the
past) how did that effect you? Why?
I used to get extremely upset, accused myself and analyzed my
behaviour, to try to find out where I went wrong. When "my"
borderline (verbally) acts out now (which doesnīt happen that
often anymore), I try to listen very carefully, and then I
answer him in a way that is constructive and as "non-violent"
as possible (practising different communication skills has
helped me a lot). And when he withdraws in silence, I just let
him, and continue doing my own things.
5) What would you most like borderlines, generally, or your borderline
to understand about what you have expereinced "on the other side of
BPD"?
I would like borderlines to understand that I, as a "non", never
COMPLETELY can understand or feel, what they are experiencing.
I am a different person than you (the borderline), and I can
listen, encourage, and just be there. But, because I am another
person, I will sometimes misunderstand you, I will act in ways
that you might not like, I will say things that you might
perceive as insults. And you will feel misunderstood, angry and
hurt, because you are another person. You and I can never talk,
act or feel in exactly the same way. That does not mean that I
donīt love you, or care for you. I never ever want to hurt you,
that is what you must keep in mind, so that when you feel hurt,
you will know that it was not my intention that you should feel
that way.
6) If you have left or are planning to leave the relationship with
your borderline can you speak a bit about what factored into the
decision?
The major factor was the "push-and-pull behaviour", and for me
this included contradictory messages and a total lack of
continuity in our relationship. And, as "my" borderline could
see his own behaviour, but wasnīt (then) prepared to start with
making all the changes it would take to get better, there wasnīt
much of a choice left for me. Love isnīt to tear oneself into
pieces, for the sake of another.
7) If you are staying with your borderline can you speak about why
you've made this choice?
Since I both have left "my" borderline (2 1/2 years ago), and
have come back (this summer), I realise that the reason is...
love. I left him because I had lost my self-love (otherwise I
would not have let him treat me that way), and because he didnīt
love himself enough to want a good life for himself. I came back
because I still love him, and last summer he started to work
with himself in therapy. He now wants to change things into the
better, and thatīs the major difference. I would not have come
back, if this would have meant that we only repeated an old and
destructive pattern once again.
8) What is the most frustrating thing about trying to relate to your
borderline. (or was the most frustrating thing)
The most frustrating thing was/is his tendency to interpret
things I say, as being verbal attacks on his integrity. If I
say something, that is perhaps somewhat vague, his "negative
interpreter" gets going, and comes out with a complete logic
(but, still defective) account of how my words constitute an
insult. And, when this happens, I canīt say or do anything,
because Iīm then trapped in an "irrational logic". By this I
mean that I canīt say that his conclusion isnīt logic. It is
(and he is also extremely intelligent). But, his premisses are
the wrong ones. If they always include this one: "You donīt love
me", then any argument or relationship will end up with a sad
and frustrating conclusion.
9) Did you feel (or do you feel) heard by your borderline, cared
about, or supported by your borderline? If so, how? If not, why
not?
Yes, I do feel heard by "my" borderline. I donīt think that
anyone ever has heard me that much. I also feel cared for by
him. The problem is that there sometimes is this "gap" between
his caring and his behaviour. That the love he feels doesnīt
naturally lead to the showing of his love, but rather the
opposite; the love and other "good" feelings makes him withdraw.
Pia
1) What would you most want borderlines to know about how
non-borderlines experience the BPD of others generally?
That their behavior is very irrational.
2) How were you most hurt by the borderline in your life?
False accusations of being a stalker, not respecting his
boundaries (which was also false). He actually called the
police on me--it was very crazy. Him running hot and cold--one
minute I am great--the next minute I am an evil manipulative
woman. His inability to be real--and not superficial. His
inability to get close, and also the "I want absolutely nothing
to do with you" thing--that is the most painful. The fact that
he can't or won't have any communication with me what so ever.
3) What did you do in response to the answer to #2?
Unfortunately, the wrong things. I wrote four or five long
detailed letters to him-- explaining his irrational behavior,
and that I did not understand him. I also finally had to figure
out his crazy behavior on my own--and confronted him with
computer print outs on BPD, and PPD (Paranoid Personality
Disorder) My letters were painfully honest, and very accurate
in detail--but also very loving and supportive. Of course he
took it all as criticism.
4) When your borderline "acts out" or "pushes you away" (or did in the
past) how did that effect you? Why?
It is the most painful thing in the world. His acting out was
crazy, and unfounded. It hurt because I saw all of his potential
to be this really great guy, and I suppose it also hurt because
in my own arrogance, and somewhat narcissistic approach--I could
not help him--fix him etc...
5) What would you most like borderlines, generally, or your borderline
to understand about what you have expereinced "on the other side of
BPD"?
That it has been a nightmare!! Pure hell in trying to comprehend
--and understand where he is coming from.
6) If you have left or are planning to leave the relationship with
your borderline can you speak a bit about what factored into the
decision?
I did not choose to leave--I was pushed away. I felt and still
feel strong enough to deal with his disorder--although I realize
that it would be an up-hill battle. I am a strong woman--so
losing my identity in my borderline would not be an option. I
have always known exactly who I am--who I love etc, and I have
never wavered in my beliefs, or felt unsure of myself. On the
other hand, him wanting me to leave--in some way--no matter how
irrational it is--must be respected. So I left, and am trying
to recover from all of the insanity.
7) If you are staying with your borderline can you speak about why
you've made this choice?
If I could stay, and from a distance I will stay (I have made it
clear that I will always be there for him) it is because I love
him, and feel as though I am strong enough to stick it out.
Although, I am in a lot of pain over this--I also do not feel as
though it is my problem. I do however accept 50% responsibility
in the relationship--I can be quite difficult myself--pushing
buttons etc...
8) What is the most frustrating thing about trying to relate to your
borderline. (or was the most frustrating thing)
That he was being irrational--and crazy. That I was not "Pure
Evil".
9) Did you feel (or do you feel) heard by your borderline, cared
about, or supported by your borderline? If so, how? If not, why
not?
NO! I felt as though he did not care about me at all--not in a
real sense anyway. He was and still is extremely selfish--
thinking only of himself. Blaming me instead of accepting
responsibility for his own crazy actions. In reality I am very
aware that he cares about me--I am definitely the only one
he has ever been close with--but it is still a very guarded
closeness. I know that he loves me--but he is so busy trying
to protect himself--that his love does not seem real. God how
I wish it was....
olivebean
1) What would you most want borderlines to know about how
non-borderlines experience the BPD of others generally?
That though we understand that BPD's suffer a lot, we too
have to reconcile ourselves to suffering also in order to
stand by them. What I would most like them to understand is
that their fear of abandonment is not unlike drinking way too
much coffee on a peaceful day. The nervousness and irritability
is unpleasant for the person that is over-caffeinated, but the
internal emotion is quite divorced from the external world.
The emotion is real, and I sympathize and wish I could help,
but they should take comfort in the fact that it's largely
internally generated.
2) How were you most hurt by the borderline in your life?
Legally and financially I was hurt, but the most painful was
seeing expressions of hatred aimed at me when she raged.
3) What did you do in response to the answer to #2?
Suffered through it. It was either that or leave.
4) When your borderline "acts out" or "pushes you away" (or did in the
past) how did that effect you? Why?
See 2 and 3.
5) What would you most like borderlines, generally, or your
borderline to understand about what you have expereinced "on
the other side of BPD"?
The turmoil associated with the realization that it may be
this way for years, and the only escape is to leave.
6) If you have left or are planning to leave the relationship
with your borderline can you speak a bit about what factored into
the decision?
I left after realizing that I was no longer a support for her.
I had become an object of her anger and as a result could do
little for her. We have been separated but in communication for
a year. I'm returning to spend 2 weeks with her over the holidays.
We'll see if anything has changed.
7) If you are staying with your borderline can you speak about why
you've made this choice?
I'll comment on why I dream of returning to her. I've never
loved anyone the way I've loved her and still love her. My big
choice is between living a life that is easy emotionally so that
I can focus on dreams and ambitions, or living a difficult
emotional life with the person I love with little energy to
spare for ambitions. For me, a very difficult choice.
8) What is the most frustrating thing about trying to relate to
your borderline. (or was the most frustrating thing)
Accepting the roller coaster emotions and behavior is difficult,
but an obvious choice we have to make in order to stay involved.
I found the most difficult thing is the inability to expect any
support when I'm down. Always being the strong one is a horrible
burden. I'm not superman and I'd also like a shoulder to cry on.
9) Did you feel (or do you feel) heard by your borderline, cared
about, or supported by your borderline? If so, how? If not, why
not?
Generally, none of the above. I felt, perhaps incorrectly and
unfairly, that I loved her, she needed me. Not something that I
wanted in a relationship, but something that I was resigned to
as unchangable in the short term.
Marlin
1) What would you most want borderlines to know about how
non-borderlines experience the BPD of others generally?
That how they interpret people who love them and how they
respond to them is irratic at best and contradictory at worst.
2) How were you most hurt by the borderline in your life?
She destoyed our marriage in the blind of an eye and has left
me agonizing because I have just discovered what BPD is and
that she is has significant traits if not a complete diagnosis
of BPD according to a counselor that we were seeing. She has
also left two small children (2 and 3) in the wake of an
irrational "split" where police were called, restraining orders
issued and divorce filed within weeks. Now I am completely evil,
everything in our 9 year relationship was hell, when I know that
the bulk of our marriage was based on love and compassion with
many, many fond and memorable times.
3) What did you do in response to the answer to #2?
I have mainly just suffered the confusion of a wife who is
divorcing me, accusing me of horrible things, won't speak to
me and is intent on doing as much as possible to destroy me
emotionally, through my children and financially.
4) When your borderline "acts out" or "pushes you away" (or did in the
past) how did that effect you? Why?
She had disappeared in the past on many occasions, to psychiatric
wards for suicide threats or just away. I was always frantic
and confused. I would try to understand her and why she felt the
way she did (unworthy to live, afraid to approach me). This
last time she expelled me with a restraining order that was
quickly followed with divorce papers and accusations. Now
I am in complete confusion, she has not spoken to me. All I
hear is how the last 9 years have been hell and all these
allegations of abuse and mistreatment. It has made me question
my own life, the last 9 years of marriage, which I adored and
treasured. It has made me face the fact that I will now have to
fight for my children, build a new life and be resolved that
everything that I had hoped, planned and dreamed in my life - is
now over.
5) What would you most like borderlines, generally, or your
borderline to understand about what you have expereinced "on
the other side of BPD"?
That with even the smallest understanding of this disorder, I
could have at least attempted to reach out and if not help at
least understand her dilemma. In doing that I would have been
able to at least try to interact with her knowing something
about how she might be perceiving me and I would at least have
understood how and why she was reacting the way she was.
Instead, I was looking at her and I in a more normal fasion
of husband and wife and my expectations and actions were based
on what I looked at as being a more normal relationship. That
was a burden that we were unable to carry and I did not know it
until it was too late.
6) If you have left or are planning to leave the relationship
with your borderline can you speak a bit about what factored into
the decision?
If I had known more about this disorder, I would have elected to
stay and work on it. The more I would have been able to
understand, the better I would have been at being able to react.
7) If you are staying with your borderline can you speak about why
you've made this choice?
She has made a "split" and returned to her Father/Mother.
They are now living in my house and her father has replaced
me in her needs. He has become the "all good" protector and
I have become the "all evil" problem in her life. She is now
in the process of attempting to keep the children from me and
I believe she is planning to leave the state for a new career
and life.
8) What is the most frustrating thing about trying to relate to
your borderline. (or was the most frustrating thing)
Loving her and not understanding how she was receiving or
interpreting that love when I thought she know explicitly
that she was the most important thing in my life.
9) Did you feel (or do you feel) heard by your borderline, cared
about, or supported by your borderline? If so, how? If not, why
not?
I thought I was cared about, but I guess I was not supported
and in the end, basically 10 years of loving, dreaming, crying,
laughing and living meant very little to her.
Michael
1) What would you most want borderlines to know about how
non-borderlines experience the BPD of others generally?
The more the "non" BP tries to empathize and help the BP the
more difficult it is for the "non" to figure out what is real
and what is not. The BP actually replaces the "non's" reality
with his own and everything becomes distorted. I think the
projecting is one of the most damaging to the relationship
because it's a matter of perception and the BP's perception
of the "non" is based on a past experience with someone else.
It ends in the "non" questioning their own reality especially
if they become extremely isolated because of the BP's paranoia.
It's no-win any way you look at it.
2) How were you most hurt by the borderline in your life?
The lies and infidelity. Even though I could never prove the
infidelity, he lied about hundreds of other things that I either
caught him in or he confessed. The rages that personally effected
me and the kids in a very real way. I had post traumatic syndrome
for a very long time.....well I guess I still have it to a small
degree.
3) What did you do in response to the answer to #2?
Got a life-long protective order and divorced him. I feel no
guilt. My kids are a stake here and I did the right thing for us.
4) When your borderline "acts out" or "pushes you away" (or did in the
past) how did that effect you? Why?
At first it made me feel rejected and would turn to self-hate.
As I began to develop a stronger sense of self, I got angry
(not outwardly). Finally after we were living seperately and
still trying to work things out I just ignored him and did my
own thing. When he tried to draw me back into his world I
started to kick him out and fight back. This shocked him,
however, it made me feel great. I ended up with broken ribs and
a sprained finger and some very frightened little children, so
I used the law to help me. Without the law, I had no recourse
because he had no boundaries.
5) What would you most like borderlines, generally, or your
borderline to understand about what you have expereinced "on
the other side of BPD"?
The people who love you are not your enemy. You are the enemy to
yourself. We have just as many rights and feelings to deal with
as you do. Relationships are the blood of life. If you can't keep
yours flowing then you need a blood transfusion. Means you need
to change your thought processes and the way you interact with
people. Easier said than done. If you want a real life then get
help and stop hurting everyone who loves you.
6) If you have left or are planning to leave the relationship
with your borderline can you speak a bit about what factored into
the decision?
My own self worth and intelligence. I finally asked myself, "How
stupid are you woman? Do you like pain? Do you love your children?
Is it your fault he's so sick and can't see the forest for the
trees? Is this what you want from your life? Is this what God
wants for you and your children?" Asking myself these questions
made it a no-brainer. I don't want to be as sick as he is. I want
a real life where I can love freely without the fear of constant
physical and emotional harm. Figuring out who I am and what I
want is what factored into my decision.
7) If you are staying with your borderline can you speak about why
you've made this choice?
When I did stay with him, I stayed only because I loved him and
thought that sticking with him would help. It didn't.
8) What is the most frustrating thing about trying to relate to
your borderline. (or was the most frustrating thing)
Feeling like no matter what I said I would always be wrong in
the end.....even if it took a few weeks. I was always wrong.
No-win.
9) Did you feel (or do you feel) heard by your borderline, cared
about, or supported by your borderline? If so, how? If not, why
not?
I only felt cared about for brief times and I knew it wouldn't
last so I was never really relaxed. When he did listen, it would
be forgotten in a moment or distorted in a second. He only
supported me if he thought it would benefit him in the long run,
and even then, they were pretty lame attempts. I could always
see through it and felt as though he didn't really care. No
matter how much I cared and supported him -- it was never enough.
Sue
1) What would you most want borderlines to know about how
non-borderlines experience the BPD of others generally?
I did not know what was going on with the BPD in my life.
I was confused and angry that she acted this way and I had no
idea what I ever did to tick her off...this was very frustrating
to me! She would always seem to be on edge and at times would
really lose it instantly and it was usually directed right at me.
At these times I felt that the only thing to do was to be
quiet and not say anything that may further fan the flames.
2) How were you most hurt by the borderline in your life?
I was most hurt when she pushed and pulled. My BPD talked
about marriage and was real close to me (so I thought) then
she broke up with me telling me that she saw a "bad" and "evil"
side of me that she could not take anymore! She did not want to
see me or hear from me, telling me she was scared of me (this
hurt me alot and confused me.) We got back together and again
marriage and again she broke up with me telling me that when
she spoke about marriage she was confused but now she knows she
is not confused. She told me not to write her or call her...this
hurt alot. The first break up she called the police on me
telling them that I was stalking her...this concerned me and
shocked me that she did this! I called her to see if she liked
to meet and talk and she told me that she was scared of me and
did not want to meet me...to this day she does not want nothing
to do with me, told me that I had a "bad side" and it was more
then my good side?!? I have no idea what I did to her...this
hurt and confused me the most.
3) What did you do in response to the answer to #2?
Not much that I can do. I called to see how she and her son
were doing and she paused and told me that she could not talk
at that time...I asked her to call me later. She called after
she hung up and left a message on my home phone telling me that
she appreciated that I do not call or write her any letters
anymore. When I got this message I called her and she asked
me who was this in a scared voice and I told her it was me, to
give me a chance to talk...she hung up on me and this hurt and
confused me more then I was. I never called her again.
4) When your borderline "acts out" or "pushes you away" (or did in the
past) how did that effect you? Why?
Please see # 2 and 3
5) What would you most like borderlines, generally, or your
borderline to understand about what you have expereinced "on
the other side of BPD"?
I would like her to know the deep pain and confusion I had
reacting to her rages and her actions. I would want her to
really know that I only loved her and never intended anything
bad (I wrote and told her this with no reaction on her part.)
I would like them to experience what I have seen and heard from
my eyes to really learn and feel what I felt....loving someone
who seems not to care and seems so cold.
6)If you have left or are planning to leave the relationship
with your borderline can you speak a bit about what factored into
the decision?
I did not leave, she pushed me out of her life with no
communication all of a sudden.
7) If you are staying with your borderline can you speak about why
you've made this choice?
I stayed with my borderline because I really loved and cared
for her. I also did not know what BPD was or how to react and
understand what I was going through.
8) What is the most frustrating thing about trying to relate to
your borderline. (or was the most frustrating thing)
The most frustrating thing was trying to communicate to her and
explaining my side and her not even giving me a chance to talk
with me....once she believed something, that was it I could not
win by telling her the truth. She did not give me a chance just
pushed me way away.
9) Did you feel (or do you feel) heard by your borderline, cared
about, or supported by your borderline? If so, how? If not, why
not?
No! I think she cared and at times she seemed different,
sweet, caring, loving...then the next day it was all forgotten
and she was upset and angry at me, throwing accusations at me,
jumping to conclusions, projecting, everything was thrown at
me...this was so strange for me. After she "banished" me, she
does not seem to care...she does not talk or ever tried to
talk to me. I lost my job because of her and not once did she
seemed concerned about this. She also owes me alot of money
and she does not seem concerned about this or anything. Right
now it is almost like I never existed -- nothing! This kills
me everyday...but I do sense and think that she did care a lot
for me..this sounds so crazy to me!
Lv2CUsmle2
1) What would you most want borderlines to know about how
non-borderlines experience the BPD of others generally?
This "non" is confused and trying to learn. It seems as if
just when I feel I am coming close to understanding the person
with BP everything changes and I'm back to square 1. Meanwhile
dealing with a "Bp" causes me to become more aware of my own
unresolved issues and I thought I was doing fine before so it is
hard to tell how much is increased awareness of self and how
much is seeing some simularities between the Bp and myself and
then overly identifying with their issues.
2) How were you most hurt by the borderline in your life?
Most hurt: He was talking of marriage, converting to my religion,
adopting a child, both of us retiring (we could have made ends
meet on our combined persions) and doing volunteer work. Then I
got a phone call at work saying he'd just met a woman who was
from the same background as his and he might fall in love and
marry her, and he was scared and didn't know what to do.
3) What did you do in response to the answer to #2?
What did I do in response? I had already been proceeding with
caution due to suspecting Bpd because of having another friend
who I suspect has it. So..although I was angry and HURT I just
told him to use caution and his own good judgment. I cried all
the way home but realized I was better off not married to
someone who would behave this way.
4) When your borderline "acts out" or "pushes you away" (or did in the
past) how did that effect you? Why?
Acts out/pushes away? At first it was devistating, but now I
have learned to be more anilitical. I can often see how I
triggered the pushing or acting out, but I also see that I am
not responsible for another person's behavior. Sometimes I
am very hurt others I am almost relieved because the
pushing away gives me more time and energy for myself. I am
deeply concerned though because he does often threated suicide
and although I CANNOT let him use that threat as a tool to
manipulate me, I still get scared that some day he might really
mean it. (he has told me his first attempt was at age 9 and
he's in his mid fifties now. He has also told me that the
thoughts and threats of suicide is a coping mechanism for him).
5) What would you most like borderlines, generally, or your
borderline to understand about what you have expereinced "on
the other side of BPD"?
I would like them to understand that we can get hurt and
angry too. We have feelings and although we don't experience
them in the same way they do, we can be effected by their
behavior and that influences the way we behave toward them.
I have surely learned about human nature, and about myself,
but the more I learn the more questions I have and the more
mistakes I make along the way. I am sometimes afraid to do
anything so I just clam up, other times I am over confident
and put my feet in my mouth.
6)If you have left or are planning to leave the relationship
with your borderline can you speak a bit about what factored into
the decision?
7) If you are staying with your borderline can you speak about why
you've made this choice?
6 & 7. Hard to answer. The relationship has deteriorated
from being in love to merely loving as in caring and trying
to be supportive to him as I am to my female Bp friend. I am
not leaving, at this point anyway, but not trying to hold on
either. I suspect we will just keep distancing as time goes on.
8) What is the most frustrating thing about trying to relate to
your borderline. (or was the most frustrating thing)
Most frustrating thing. Splitting I am sometimes seen as
supportive and sometimes as abusive, the wrong I do is never
forgotten but the right seems to be purged from memory on a
daily basis. Personality changes, I may be talking to
Dr. Jekel one instant and Mr. Hyde the next.
9) Did you feel (or do you feel) heard by your borderline, cared
about, or supported by your borderline? If so, how? If not, why
not?
I sometimes feel cared about, but then I often think it is
really all about him. How HE can show how caring HE is.
When he does something nice for someone he wants me to notice
and analyze his behavior with him. I see him doing the same
thing with when he behaves in a caring manner toward me.
Joan
1) What would you most want borderlines to know about how
non-borderlines experience the BPD of others generally?
That while we can see and attempt to understand that they
are suffering greatly, we are also suffering. It is the most
hopeless and helpless feeling to see that rage coming on and
knowing you cannot stop it no matter what you do. I recently
told my BP that he was making me feel exactly what he tells me
his abusive father made him feel. I would mostly want them to
know that loving them is hard as hell and that if they have
someone who truly loves them, they should try as hard as they
can, for as long as they can, to feel that love.
2) How were you most hurt by the borderline in your life?
I am always the most hurt by the false accusations, suspicions
and totally out of nowhere name calling and pure hatred. It is
painful beyond description to know that he actually believes
the totally insane things he is saying. Even though I know the
things he says are real only in his mind, the words whore, bitch
and liar still hurt.
3) What did you do in response to the answer to #2?
I used to fight back, as anyone would be compelled to do. I
tried reasoning with him (don't laugh). I tried to ignore it.
I tried telling him I wouldn't fight with him. Nothing works
and I am so tired that now I usually just cry.
4) When your borderline "acts out" or "pushes you away" (or did in the
past) how did that effect you? Why?
It makes you feel totally insane and out of control. In the
past I have gotten sucked in and acted out all the feelings he
was projecting onto me. This approach got both of us arrested
and we have nearly killed each other more times than I care to
remember. It is a horrible, horrible experience. Now I try
really hard not to take it personally and just let him go until
he returns to a somewhat more normal state of mind. Sometimes
this works. If I am really worn down or not feeling well myself,
sometimes I still jump in there and fight back. I have no idea
why I do this and am trying hard to stop.
5) What would you most like borderlines, generally, or your
borderline to understand about what you have expereinced "on
the other side of BPD"?
Agony. Not only do we experience our own pain but we also
have to see someone we love suffer so much. It is so difficult
to feel like there is no answer to the problem, that no matter
what you say or do, it will have no positive effect. I know my
husband doesn't want to feel the way he does, no one could ever
want that. The grass is no greener on "the other side." I hate
BPD. I wish it would go away forever so my husband could be
the person he was intended to be.
6)If you have left or are planning to leave the relationship
with your borderline can you speak a bit about what factored into
the decision?
I have only ever thought of leaving or said I would leave in
moments of extreme desperation, for self preservation and for
the sake of the children.
7) If you are staying with your borderline can you speak about why
you've made this choice?
I have made the choice to stay with my borderline because I
love him and I VOWED to love him in sickness and in health.
He has a sickness. If I found out that I had an illness, I
would not expect him to leave me, no matter how difficult that
illness would be for him. Yes, it would be inconvienent,costly,
life changing, physically and mentally challenging for him
if I got cancer, but I would be stunned if he said, "sorry
honey, this is too hard." That would be an unacceptable
response to that situation. It would be an equally unacceptable
response for me to leave him in this situation. Though without
a doubt there have been moments where I have thought that
leaving was the only option, those moments pass for me because
he is my best friend, has been since I was 15 years old. I
don't remember my life without him, EVER. I have known him
since grade school. I love him in a way that I could never
possibly love another. I cannot leave him in the middle of
this illness any more than I could leave him sleeping in a
burning house.
8) What is the most frustrating thing about trying to relate to
your borderline. (or was the most frustrating thing)
That we have to keep going over and over the same things.
No matter what I say or do I know he isn't going to believe
that I REALLY DO love him, I REALLY DO want him, I REALLY DO
find him attractive, and think he's worthwhile.
9) Did you feel (or do you feel) heard by your borderline, cared
about, or supported by your borderline? If so, how? If not, why
not?
At times I have certainly felt all these things or I could
not continue on with what I am doing. He is always there for
me when I really need him. I know he understands me better
than anyone else could underneath all that borderline BS. I
know he cares about me, I even know that it hurts him, the
way he hurts me. When he is kind, he is very kind, and really
that makes the whole thing so much the worse. BPD sucks and I
would do anything to wipe it off the face of the earth.
Denise
1) What would you most want borderlines to know about how
non-borderlines experience the BPD of others generally?
That we cannot heal them. That we can cheer them on and
encourage them to do their own work but to please not put their
expectations in us to 'be what they need to make them happy or
feel loved' because we will never be able to meet that need.
Not that we wouldn't if it were possible, but there is no
way around it - it isn't possible. I know I often felt and feel
still that I would give my right arm to the man (has BPD) I was
dating if it would only help him. I finally realized that all
of my caring, and it is deep and true, cannot heal him or help
him in any lasting way.
2) How were you most hurt by the borderline in your life?
Actually I learned a lot about myself. I think it is fair to
say that my hurt came from losing myself in the relationship
and giving up my own needs for the sake of the relationship.
This is something I did that hurt me. What hurts most now is
that while I love him, I can't be in a committed relationship
with him, because of his behavior towards me. He has many
great qualities - incredible sensitivity and empathy and humor
and sense of fun. Yet, when we were dating I felt increasingly
'on edge' because I never knew when he was going to push me away
again with anger and (irrational) accusations, but I knew from
experience that he would. And I felt (and he expressed) that
if I liked other things in my life - my friends, my activities-
he felt like I didn't love him. I felt like he didn't always
see me as a person, but that deep down I was mostly an answer
to his needs, not truly a human with felings and needs like him.
But I think the thing that hurt and scared me the most is that I
realized that he felt justified in hurting me if he felt hurt.
That sometimes he wanted me to hurt. This scared the heck out
of me.
3) What did you do in response to the answer to #2?
I didn't know at the time that he was stuggling with BPD,
although I don't know that it would have changed the way I
responded. I told him my concerns - how I felt, that I felt
distrusted and couldn't deal with the way he handled his anger.
That I needed space, that I needed him to get some counseling/help
if the relationship was going to go anywhere. He didn't go to
counseling, couldn't see how it would help him, wanted me to go
with him, but I knew it wasn't a 'we' issue. After about 7
months of little contact he went to a counselor (he has been in
the past) which opened up some dialogue, but I'm realizing there
are no fast answers to what he is dealing with. I HATE BPD.
4) When your borderline "acts out" or "pushes you away" (or did in the
past) how did that effect you? Why?
It really hurt because I love him, but he wasn't seeing it. Plus
it felt crazy to me because it had nothing to do with me and yet
the anger and distancing was being directed at me. And over
time, after repeatedly being pushed away, I lost trust in the
relationship. It got clearer and clearer that as it was, I
would never be enough for him, and as I said in 3) - his anger
and distancing often came with a spoken or unspoken desire that
I should be hurting. To me that felt more like hate than love,
and it was very scary to think of getting any closer to someone
who wanted me to hurt.
5) What would you most like borderlines, generally, or your
borderline to understand about what you have expereinced "on
the other side of BPD"?
I really don't know. I guess my wish is that he/they would
look for help where there really is help - with a good
counselor. That putting me in the position of 'savior' will
always disappoint and will delay getting help where there really
is help. And that being made either 'the answer' or 'the
problem' feels really crappy.
6)If you have left or are planning to leave the relationship
with your borderline can you speak a bit about what factored into
the decision?
All I've mentioned in the other questions (incl. 8 below)
8) What is the most frustrating thing about trying to relate to
your borderline. (or was the most frustrating thing)
His irrational thinking - I had no answer to his irrational
accusations (his fear). I could accept that he had fears or
thought irrationally if he also knew or could admit them
(i.e. take responsibility for his own thoughts and behavior).
I could have dealt with that. That would have been REAL.
But since when he was thinking irrationally he believed and
insisted that he was thinking clearly there was no ground or
reality left on which to relate.
9) Did you feel (or do you feel) heard by your borderline, cared
about, or supported by your borderline? If so, how? If not, why
not?
I did feel that he cared deeply, that he appreciated hearing
me and how I felt. It seemed to me at times that he had this
huge feeling soul, very deep and warm. This really attracted
me to him, as I am also a very feeling person and know what
it means to hurt deeply and care deeply. Sadly, what he
couldn't hear were negative feelings that had to do with
something happening in the relationship, even though I
brought them up tenderly and for the purpose of benefiting
our relationship.
Carol
1) What would you most want borderlines to know about how
non-borderlines experience the BPD of others generally?
It's extraordinarily stressful. I never know how my husband
will behave toward me or toward the kids.
2) How were you most hurt by the borderline in your life?
When he called me "white trash."
3) What did you do in response to the answer to #2?
I sat at the table and cried (we were in a restaurant,
of course, where I couldn't retaliate). He then criticized
me for not being able to control myself or take criticism.
That's when I decided to think about leaving him. I've also
made sure since then that every time we go somewhere together
I have my own house keys and money. Nice thing to have to do
when you go somewhere with your husband.
4) When your borderline "acts out" or "pushes you away" (or did in the
past) how did that effect you? Why?
It is emotionally devastating. All the warmth and love I
have for him just curdle up in my spirit. It used to sometimes
make me want to die, but not anymore. It does just chill me
and make me want a life without him. Now that I am deciding
to, I feel exhilarated.
5) What would you most like borderlines, generally, or your
borderline to understand about what you have expereinced "on
the other side of BPD"?
That his unpredictability and rages are hell. That it makes
me wonder how I can love him and survive. Whether our children
would be better off without him.
6)If you have left or are planning to leave the relationship
with your borderline can you speak a bit about what factored into
the decision?
The repeated emotional abuse. The disregarding of my feelings
and opinions. The bullying and intimidation. The absolute
unpredictability.
8) What is the most frustrating thing about trying to relate to
your borderline. (or was the most frustrating thing)
Your marriage. That will be bad for our children, but I am
beyond able to fix that.
9) Did you feel (or do you feel) heard by your borderline, cared
about, or supported by your borderline? If so, how? If not, why
not?
Heard, no. Cared about, sure, but not when he's raging.
And when he loves it's almost too intense. Supported,
only if it's in something that doesn't affect him directly.
Anything threatening to him and he'd (emotionally) cut
my intestines out.
Wofbth
Non-Borderline Main page
