I wanted to take a moment to write to you all. Feel free to share this letter
with anyone in the family you feel it is suited for. This letter carries no secrets
nor is it done maliciously.
So the man I love, your son has BPD. He is aware, his family is aware – I am
scared as hell. Finally now – the beast that was within was let out for all to
see for the sake of addressing this animal once and for all. This was my hope. As
I sit here and type – it remains my hope. I will remain to watch anxiously from
miles away. For my sanity – I am leaving this State.
If I may take a moment to share with you my experience with the man I love,
your son. That I could let you know from my perspective – what I was crying out
to tell someone for so long. As well, to assure you that in no way did I give up
or quit. I simply had to put my foot down – for his sanity and mine. I know your
son will go through many episodes now that I am gone. I am so very sorry that he
will. I never meant to hurt him – I expected a much happier ending to this story.
If I may – allow me to share.
Days, weeks and months passed where I would feel like I was going to explode if I
could not make sense of the madness that I faced on a daily basis living with him.
There were times where I felt so blessed and adored him so – only to find myself
attacked, like I had moved in with the largest enemy of my soul.
Things were unexplainable. I didn’t understand how I could be held in such high
esteem and adored one minute – only to be looked at as if I had just murdered an
innocent soul right in front of him in the next minute. From one-line jabs at my
character and controlling “terms” for my daily (literally) every moment happenings
to grieve misunderstandings over the tiniest of matters – I thought I was falling
apart. I could not speak openly as each sentence I had was interrogated as if I
needed to be found out for something I might actually mean. I have basically endured
being considered a liar of epic proportion, denied that I truly loved every ounce of
him, communicated regularly to me that I was in some way flawed and constantly to
blame for the rages that ensued frequently with no real reason deserving of such
tantrums.
I began to think I had a cruel God. Cruel enough to reveal that I was in some
way completely skewed all along and didn’t know it – and now that I found this
wonderful man – He was going to take it all away from me. I looked that guilty
for something, everyday, in every way – all the time – through the eyes and
communication of you son. I doubted the core of my beliefs. I second-guessed
everything I said and began to fear speaking. I found myself continuously trapped
in circles of communication with him that always and invariably led me to being
blamed for his misery.
I have been cursed at, lied to (repeatedly), hurt and blamed for the hurt I got
as if deserved and worried over the turmoil within the children while they dealt
with the same.
However, I was swept off my feet. I was promised great things and some were
delivered. I was lead to believe I was originally involved with a wonderful man who
was divorced (did you know he’s not even divorced from his first wife yet? I didn’t
either). I was led to believe he would never cross certain boundaries that are
imperative to monogamy. Well, he did. I have been flat out considered and ‘brainwashed’
to believe that I am the dysfunctional person to even dare to think he would ever
do anything like that.
I thought I was losing my mind. To my relief as far as my mind goes – I am now
finding out that I wasn’t off base.
He opens my doors and calls me beautiful. He seems to worship the very ground I
walk (spitting on that ground the next minute). He would give me the world if he
could – although a part of him would rear it’s head and take it all away for sheer
fear – then blame me that he had to. It has been incredibly tough.
There have been times that I thought if he had it in him to hit a woman – I’d be
laying on the floor. He never did hit me but I know he could have. He made his physical
strengths known when raging. The look. Do you know that look?
The look that screams you are walking and living proof of evil? You are the enemy
that taunts and abuses his soul. When did I become that? What on earth did I do to
deserve that look? The one that throws your heart to the floor and you watch as it
grows legs and runs for sheer fear and panic from the eyes that peer at it with such
hate and disregard. Oh my goodness, if you only knew the pain.
The sleepless nights when I was questioned for hours for things never said, thought
or even imagined. The times I comforted and expressed my love endlessly for hours on
end to no avail. The times I sheltered the children in fear that he would snap. I
worried so much. I worried still.
You know the day that I leave is closer. I wish that you will not tell him where
I am – I cannot tell you how it pains me to ask this of you. I miss him and will
always love him though I don’t understand why after so much terror that I’ve endured.
However, I cannot be near him. He is truly a danger to my sanity and my physical person.
Now that I’ve said my goodbyes and my move is around the corner - It’s peaceful now
for me. It’s a very bitter/sweet feeling. Bitter because I miss the man I thought he
was and is … sometimes. This man I hoped to marry, this man who I fell madly in love
with. I anguish at the thought of the suffering he feels. I deeply regret that I can’t
smell him and kiss him one more time. I cry at the thought of the wedding and future
that could have been incredible (not perfect). I feel distress at the thought of losing
such a wonderful extended family such as you all. I feel cheated, slighted and
brokenhearted.
It is sweet because I feel relief as to not deal with the eggshells that were
strewn throughout our relationship. I’ve gained perspective and the returning of my
self-confidence is stronger than I anticipated. The affirmation of my soul – meeting
my inner self on a daily basis reminds me that I am not this woman I was feeling I
was or had become. I am indeed all right. I am indeed full of joy and happiness. I
do not deserve emotional, verbal or mental abuse. I feel free! The sad part is – that
I truly wanted this freedom with Him. For forever - period.
Where do I fit in all this? Have I contributed to the insanity? Of course I have.
I have reacted in fear. I have hidden from the truth that something was wrong. I
allowed our relationship to move much to quickly in the beginning – giving in to the
infatuation that is common for someone like him. I was idealized – and I reveled in
his attention. I fell madly in love – all too quickly. I didn’t know. I wish I was
more aware. I believed him – fell head over feet. Deep inside – I knew better. I knew
something was wrong. I didn’t want to believe it. I wanted to believe him. I should
have been stronger and firmer regarding some of our choices.
I’ve had fits. I’ve been provoked to the point of losing my cool and screaming so
loudly that I am surprised the neighbors didn’t knock our door. To this day – it
surprises me. I have read, “victims in abusive relationships with BPD’s find themselves
reacting in ways they would never and they end up in therapy saying, “I think I’m
going crazy”. This was most certainly me for so long. Still is – as this will take me
time to heal.
I also have to tell you that I am angry that it was all ripped away from me. I found
him (or he found me?) and you all. I was delighted at my future for my boys and me. I
was elated when I met this family. I felt so at home and so tied in to each one of you
that I thought this would be forever. I miss you all. I will miss you forever.
I have decided to make a choice, as the “flip flop” cannot go on. I fear my sanity.
By the time you get this letter he will know but at present I’ve yet to tell him that
I am leaving the State. I must run – run fast. I am too frail.
There will be no future for us. I remained sure after this all came out – that I
would remain a true friend (monogamous of course) to him and by his side as we separate
and allow us time. However – since then – I’ve yet to deal with these same matters – and
it’s getting worse. He is desperately trying to hold on to me and he is afraid. I am so
sad. I am completely broken and wounded and recognize my lack of strength to continue
this and fear that for him – it would only hurt him and could very well prevent him from
getting well.
I will miss you all deeply. I pray we can remain in touch – as that something
special that occurred does not have to be lost. Worst even yet – those boys! His boys!
They lit my life. I cry myself to sleep at night sometimes – thinking of those boys
and the wonderful precious moments I shared with them. My boys will miss them so, too!
I am devastated. We are devastated.
I am sorry that I’ve disappointed any of you in any way. I know as you read that you
are saying the same thing you said to me over the phone. I should move on. You encouraged
me and told me I was beautiful – I thank you for that. But I cannot tell you how much
that makes me want to draw in to you all even more. I was blessed to have been with you.
I wanted to make a family with your son and you all. I truly hope you remain diligent
in your commitment to be there for him. Keep him away from relationships for a while,
as they will only be destructive for him and “her”. He needs “him” time. Desperately.
Do what you can within reason while not exasperating yourselves. As well, you have to
let him go. It must be the toughest struggle a mother can make.
Let him know this – and hopefully you can say this with as much belief and conviction
as I – that I love him. Will love him forever – that I am painstakingly reminded of the
ending to this story that we were supposed to have. That I will continue to pray for
him – for forever.
I love you all – you will be deeply missed.
© Ms. C
Non-Borderline Main Page
