The Problem of Intimacy

The paradox of intimacy is that the capacity to achieve it goes hand in hand with the capacity to be alone. Only when we are no longer desperate for the company of others in order to feel alive can intimacy thrive. To make matters more difficult, creating an identity substantial enough to tolerate both aloneness and intimacy requires relationships with others. This process usually begins with the infant's relationship with its parents and continues throughout childhood and adolescence with parents, peers, teachers, and lovers. In normal development, intimacy grows in the form of a quilt of vital relationships, the centerpiece of which may become the one that is formed with a life partner.

If you are borderline, this process has not evolved according to plan and you have had to seek more effective experiences with others as an adult. For some of you, a therapist may assume the role of parent at the nucleus of the corrective emotional experience that is considered by some to be the heart of therapy. For others, perhaps the role will be filled by a teacher or mentor, friend or lover. For some of you, your family of origin may also play a helpful role in the healing process.

Whether it occurs during childhood or later, the formation of identity is a rhythmic process that is at times calm and at other times turbulent. When a child of two, for example, has begun to feel confident that its basic needs are being met, there begins a growth spurt of exploration and self-assertion that brings it head to head with its caretakers. Another similar storm occurs in adolescence, when having acquired a foundation of competence, children search for values, goals, and nuances of style that will distinguish them from their parents and establish them as unique adults.

We can expect, therefore, that limits will be tested in the course of all crucial relationships. There will be times when being together will be all important and other times, once togetherness has begun to be taken for granted, when there will be strong urges to assert separateness. The differing tempo of these forces from one partner to another is one source of the struggle. There will inevitably be times when the ever present fear of abandonment will be challenged by a partner's need to be apart or the terror of engulfment may be underscored by a partner's desperate need for closeness.

M. Scott Peck in: "The Road Less Traveled", defines love as what we do that enables another person to grow. Such a definition challenges us to approach relationships with a deep respect for our responsibility to enhance the lives of those we love rather than only to use them to gratify our own desires and needs. More important, it emphasizes that intimacy is about mutual emotional growth.

We have a strong urge to make one another over in our own image. We want our partners to like what we like, value what we value, believe what we believe. Some sharing of common values, beliefs, and experiences is indeed a part of intimacy. But in the healthiest of relationships we acknowledge, honor, and even celebrate the differences between us. Diversity is part of the richness within relationships. It means that there are two individuals involved with one another, whose identities have not been extinguished, but rather enhanced by their bond.

Having realistic expectations is one key to avoiding devastation in the quest for intimacy. No one person can be expected to meet all our needs for validation and comfort. One way to curb expectations is to enhance your life with a variety of relationships and pursuits with which to meet these needs rather than pouring all your energy into only one relationship at a time. Friendships, work relationships, healthy relationships with family members, and even competitive relationships may enhance what you bring to any other relationships you may be pursuing.

Remember that you do not have to be perfect to be loved. Neither can you expect others to be perfect. Disappointment and disillusionment occur in healthy relationships and are not fatal. Be forgiving of others and of yourself. When you struggle with anger, try to remember some of the good things about the other person that drew you to them. When you struggle with guilt or shame, try to appreciate that you are still lovable despite the perceived transgression behind these feelings.

Be aware that no issue is the whole of a relationship. Disagreement with something you believe is not the same as rejecting you. Failure to respond to a sexual overture is similarly not a rejection of you as a person nor of your sexuality or attractiveness. It is a momentary response that may derive from a combination of circumstances, hormonal cycles, preoccupying thoughts, personal history, current emotional issues, and a host of other factors that may reflect little on the soundness of your relationship and may change considerably over time.

Be aware that no moment in time is the whole of a relationship. Observe the patterns that have developed. Remember the last time you were angry at each other and how you survived it. And remember the loving times that intervened. Intimacy is about constancy: being aware of the continuing value of what you share together even in the face of momentary pain or disillusionment.

© Dr. Richard Moskovitz

Self-Harm