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Archive for the ‘Non Borderline’ Category
Tips To Curb Emotional Overreactions
Tips To Curb Emotional Overreactions
Psyche Whisperer Radio Show Interview
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Biopsychiatry – Mental Illness as “Brain Disease” – the major problem with modern psychiatry
Have you heard that mental illness, according to some in the profession of psychiatry (mainly in the United States) is “brain disease”? What do you think? Is it a coincidence that many studies aiding in these theories of what is known as biopsychiatry are being made on the basis of the outcomes of studies that are largely funded by pharmaceutical companies in the United States? Do you think that all psychiatrists or even all psychologists agree with this un-proven conclusion? Many do not agree. One very well known opponent of his own profession’s all-too-common practice in recent years is Australian psychiatrist, Dr. Niall (Jock) McLaren. On Friday July 23, 2010, 7pm EST on The Psyche Whisperer Radio Show on blogtalkradio, A.J. Mahari will interview Dr. McLaren on this topic and talk to him about the two books he’s authored and the very courageous stance he has taken that has not left him popular in the profession of psychiatry.
Niall (Jock) McLaren, MD, is an Australian psychiatrist, author and theoretician. His work opposes the mainstream view in psychiatry to the extent that he argues modern psychiatry has no scientific basis whatsoever. However, he insists that he is not “anti-psychiatry,” but a committed scientist following his duty of criticizing the prevailing models in his field in order to improve it. He is the author of the two books, Humanizing Madness: Psychiatry and the Cognitive Neurosciences. 2007; and Humanizing Psychiatry: The Biocognitive Model. 2009. He is working on another book due out later this year.
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© A.J. Mahari and The Psyche Whisperer Radio show
Borderline Personality Books for BPD and Loved Ones
Author, Life Coach, Mental Health and BPD Coach, A.J. Mahari has written 6 Books specifically about Borderline Personality Disorder and 4 Books specifically for Loved Ones about Borderline Personality Disorder.
A.J. Mahari has also written and narrated 12 Audio Programs about Borderline Personality Disorder, along with 4 Audios about BPD Recovery and 13 Audio Programs specifically for Loved ones with someone with BPD in (or who was in) their lives.
A.J. Mahari also has Books and Audios about various topics under the category of Self Help that can be of help to those with BPD and/or to their loved ones as well.
You can also purchase coaching sessions with A.J. Mahari
© Phoenix Rising Publications and Touchstone Life Coaching Services – All rights reserved.
Does Darth Vader meet the diagnostic criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder?
Does Darth Vader/Anakin Skywalker meet the diagnostic criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder? This was a questions posed, for some reason, and for an even less understandable reason answered by Eric Bui and colleagues at Toulouse University Hospital in France in what has been described as “a brazen act of arm-chair diagnosis”. Who does this serve? Who does this help -anyone? What is the meaning of this? Does it matter?
How can this “diagnosis” of a fictional character help anyone understand Borderline Personality Disorder? Isn’t it likely really to muddy the waters and be more of a case of mis-information? Just what BPD needs right? More confusion? How can anyone who loves or cares about someone with Borderline Personality Disorder really come to understand the the mind of those who are diagnosed with BPD? This diagnosis of a fictional character who many don’t believe is an accurate diagnosis anyway will only mislead loved ones away from the facts about BPD that they need to know, want to know, and will benefit from knowing.
How are people who have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder supposed to feel about this? How can this possibly be viewed as helpful? How can anyone with BPD think that people who already don’t understand their pain and suffering can possibly learn anything from such an irresponsible “diagnosis” of a movie character that isn’t even real?
Talk about a lack of sensitivity. What a lack of respect, really. Stigmatizing BPD while potentially trivializing it as well.
Does this “diagnosis” of a fictional character with Borderline Personality Disorder have any up-side? Perhaps, only in that it brought some media attention to Borderline Personality Disorder. Or some pop-culture attention. However, I think the negatives of this far outweigh that potential positive. It seems that when pop-culture or media mention or in anyway portray Borderline Personality Disorder (as they often do without making that clear) it ends up really only succeeding in the furthering of negative, damaging, and hurtful stigma against people who are living with BPD.
The down-side that I believe is being over-looked and that matters most is the way in which this further stigmatizes not only the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, but, even more importantly, the people diagnosed with it? Why? Because of the connection between the inherent evil of Darth Vader and the stigma that has long been perpetuated toward those with BPD as being evil.
- Purchase all 3 of ebooks for NON BORDERLINES or 3 Non Borderline Ebooks packaged together with audio.
- Purchase all 5 Core Wound of Abandonment in BPD ebooks
- Non Borderlines – You can purchase 6 ebooks packaged together without audio or
6 ebooks bundled together with 2 audio programs 6 ebooks packaged together with 2 audio programs - Those with BPD and/or Non Borderlines can purchase A.J. Mahari’s 3 “Core Wound of Abandonment” series ebooks or Mahari’s 3 “Core Wound ofAbandonment” series ebooks with From False Self To Authentic Self In BPD – The Inner Chid Audio Program
Dr. Bui, apparently came up with his “diagnosis” of Darth Vader while watching two of the three Star Wars prequel movies, Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith. He theorizes that young Anakin Skywalker was separated from his mother at an early age and his father was absent and that these are the factors that could have contributed to his mental illness.
Apparently in his theorizing, Bui, also believes that also indicative of this character’s supposed Borderline Personality Disorder are his “infantile illusions of omnipotence” and “dysfunctional experiences of self and others.” It is perceived and concluded that he often showed impulsive behavior and had difficulty controlling his anger. Anakin Skywalker’s eventual turn to the Dark Side and name change, to Darth Vader, could represent the ultimate sign of an identity disturbance is the apparent reasoning behind this entire exercise of “arm-chair diagnosis”.
It can be argued, though it’s hardly worth it, that “infantile illusions of omnipotence” would point more at Narcissistic Personality Disorder than BPD. As for “dysfunctional experiences of self and others” I think it reasonable to conclude that Walker/Vader’s transformation is not the experience of people who have Borderline Personality Disorder. Here’s where diagnosing a movie character makes it tricky doesn’t it? I mean, the archetypal nature of this shift in a character’s identity is a work of fiction that no doubt seeks to depict many epic human struggles and not just struggles or challenges that can be described as being the result of any mental illness, let alone Borderline Personality Disorder. The archetypal richness of this character speaks to many interpretations. However, ascribing this character’s experience or interal feelings, perceptions, and the like to BPD, let alone any mental illness is nothing short of ridiculous. It misses the entire point of the character really.
Anakin Skywalker’s eventual turn to the dark side and name change do not have anything to do with BPD specifically or exclusively at all. Where this conclusion comes from who knows. It doesn’t follow any type of logic. But then, how could it? This eventual turn to the dark side of Walker’s as he took on the identity of Darth Vader is not something that bears any resemblance to the experience of people with BPD. People diagnosed with BPD do not have a stable sense of identity. This, however, does not mean they go from who they are (or the not being sure about who they are) to being drastically different and turning to some dark side. This comparison is evidence of the equating of BPD with evil which is irresponsibile and not accurate.
What is it in this world today, anyway, that everything has to be pathologized? Isn’t it ironic how black-and-white many people in the world are thinking – people who are not diagnosed with BPD? People who invoke the topic of BPD, diagnose fictional characters, like this psychatrist, Bui, or lay-people who are busy diagnosing anyone and everyone they know but themselves?
The dilemma here, in terms of understanding is hidden, perhaps for many, within the central and often over-looked definition of what Borderline Personality Disorder actually is. The way it is defined in the DSM-IV by psychiatrists outlines 9 traits. Out of these 9 traits a person must meet the criteria for 5 of them in order to be diagnosed as having BPD – by a professional.
The very traits that form the basis for what defines borderline personality disorder are human traits. They are human traits that are found more intensely and more often in those who meet the criteria for BPD. They are not some separate set of traits that just define BPD. My point here is that many others who may not meet the criteria for BPD will struggle with some of these traits. Why? Because they are human traits firstly and foremostly. Those with BPD and people who are not personality-disordered do not have different core traits. What is different is the way that these traits manifest themselves and are perceived and experienced – but not the traits themselves.
Is it any wonder then that people who love or care about someone with BPD may end up thinking they themselves have BPD? People are going around thinking this person or that person has BPD because he or she did or said this or that, or because he or she was angry or thought in a black-and-white way about something. In other words, there is this over-pathologizing going on. People pointing fingers at others and at each other. And, now, psychatrists at a fictional character for crying-out-loud – Vader – as having Borderline Personality Disorder.
- The Shame of Abandonment in BPD
- From False Self To Authentic Self In BPD – Getting In Touch With Your Inner Child
- BPD and Abandonment
- Finding Hope From the Polarized Reality of BPD
- Preparing For Recovery From BPD
- Emotion Dysregulation in BPD
- Rage Addiction in Borderline Personality Disorder
- Breaking Free of The Borderline Maze – Recovery For Nons
- Facing the Facts of BPD – On The Other Side For Nons
- Overcoming Denial About BPD and Love
Audio Programs © A.J. Mahari
Where has common sense gone? The traits that define BPD are human traits. Each and every one of us as human beings has these traits. It is not pathological to have these traits in reasonably balanced and paradoxical ways.
Bui, et al, diagnosing Darth Vader with Borderline Personality Disorder seems to give creedence to the many ways that people disparage people who have BPD. I don’t agree with this at all. I think the diagnosis of a fictional character – even if they get it right (let’s not forget there are many reasons to doubt Darth Vader would be a candidate for BPD if he were a real person) is in any way responsible or worth the time or effort given to it.
Why do I write about it here then? To say that the danger of this is the further stigmatizing of BPD and those who have BPD. It sensationalizes BPD and what it means to have BPD while at the same time trivializing it. It doesn’t serve anyone. I also have concern that this “arm-chair diagnosis” that equates BPD to this fictional character, who was a personification of evil, is highly irresponsibile and frankly, offensive.
Darth Vader has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Aside from the issues of that equating BPD with evil, so what, who cares?
Where’s the relevance? Where’s the significance? How can this be a worthwhile teaching tool for tomorrow’s psychiatrists? How can this benefit anyone with BPD? How can this really serve to help others understand BPD in balanced and compassionate ways?
The answer is - it can’t.
All this diagnosis of Darth Vader with Borderline Personality Disorder does is serve as a prime example of its being equated with evil. It serves as a prime example of the stigma of BPD. It may even give rise to more people with BPD distrusting the very body of professionals who are supposed to treat them, and I might add, with respect.
© A.J. Mahari, June 26, 2010 – All rights reserved.
Do Borderlines Play Mind Games?
Do people diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder play mind games? Life coach and author, A.J. Mahari, who herself, recovered from BPD 15 years ago answers this question based upon her own life experience and her experience coaching hundreds of clients with BPD and who are loved ones of those with BPD.
It can be asserted that Borderline Personality Disorder is the most stigmatized mental illness. At the center of that stigma is the often forwarded idea or belief that “borderlines play mind games”. Even some people with Borderline Personality Disorder blog about this online themselves. Does this make it so? Do they enough awareness to appreciate the paradoxical nature of two perspectives about BPD and mind games? Do they understand that much of what feels as if it is within their control is more to the point all that they are not in control of? What does this mean for the loved one of someone with BPD? Is there more to understand? Does it depend upon your perspective? Have you thought about how answering this question might affect decisions and choices you may need to make in your life?
- The Puzzle and Mystery of Hope on the Other Side of BPD
- Inside The Borderline Mind
- The Shame of Abandonment In BPD
- Breaking Free of The Borderline Maze – Recovery For Nons
- Facing the Facts of BPD – On The Other Side For Nons
- Overcoming Denial About BPD and Love
- Purchase
all 3 of ebooks for NON BORDERLINES or 3 Non Borderline Ebooks packaged together with audio. - Purchase all 5 Core Wound of Abandonment in BPD ebooks
- Non Borderlines – You can purchase 6 ebooks packaged together without audio or
6 ebooks bundled together with 2 audio programs 6 ebooks packaged together with 2 audio programs - Those with BPD and/or Non Borderlines can purchase
A.J. Mahari’s 3 "Core Wound of Abandonment" series ebooks or Mahari’s 3 “Core Wound of
Abandonment” series ebooks with From False Self To Authentic Self In BPD – The Inner Chid Audio Program
Touchstone Coaching, Phoenix Rising Publications and A.J. Mahari, June 26, 2010 – All rights reserved.
A.J. Mahari Interview with Lisa Johnson, Author of “Girl in Need of a Tourniquet”
On Tuesday June 29, 2010 at 7pm Eastern Standard Time A.J. Mahari interviewed Merri Lisa Johnson, author of Girl In Need of Tourniquet – Memoir of a Borderline Personality, who read a few excerpts from her book and talked about her experience and thoughts about Borderline Personality Disorder. You can listen to the archived show or download it on the pagePsyche Whisperer Radio Show with your host A.J. Mahari
Girl in Need
of A Tourniquet
Memoir of A Borderline Personality
An honest and compelling memoir, Girl in Need of A Tourniquet is Merri Lisa Johnson’s account of her borderline personality disorder and how it has affected her life and relationships. Johnson describes the feeling of “bleeding out” — unable to tell where she stopped and where her partner began. A self-confessed “psycho girlfriend,” she was influenced by many emotional factors from her past. She recalls her path through a dysfunctional, destructive relationship, while recounting the experiences that brought her to her breaking point.
In recognizing her struggle with borderline personality disorder, Johnson is ultimately able to seek help, embarking on a soul-searching healing process. It’s a path that is painful, difficult, and at times heart-wrenching, but ultimately makes her more able to love and coexist in healthy relationships.
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Coaching for Loved Ones of BPD With A.J. Mahari
Life Coach and BPD Coach, A.J. Mahari, talks about the reality of life on the other side of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. A.J., in her role as a Life and BPD Coach helps loved one of those with BPD – non borderlines, bpd family members, to understand not only the difficult challenges they face but how to cope and how to take care of themselves. Mahari is also an expert at guiding loved ones out of the trap of codependence.
Coaching For Loved Ones of BPD
- The Puzzle and Mystery of Hope on the Other Side of BPD
- Inside The Borderline Mind
- The Shame of Abandonment In BPD
- Breaking Free of The Borderline Maze – Recovery For Nons
- Facing the Facts of BPD – On The Other Side For Nons
- Overcoming Denial About BPD and Love
Audio Programs For Loved Ones of BPD © A.J. Mahari
© A.J. Mahari, June 11, 2010 - All rights reserved.
Adult Child of a Borderline Parent and Forgiveness
The adult child of a borderline parent or parents also knows the pain of unresolved abandonment. He or she also knows a profound emotional suffering, often on the other side of Borderline Personality Disorder. And, often in a dualistic way, as someone with BPD him or herself, and as someone experiencing the brokenness of trying to relate to someone else with BPD. Not all adult children (who were a child) of a borderline parent develop Borderline Personality Disorder themselves. However, many do. Forgiveness is part of what it takes to actually heal.
- The Puzzle and Mystery of Hope on the Other Side of BPD
- Inside The Borderline Mind
- The Shame of Abandonment In BPD
- Breaking Free of The Borderline Maze – Recovery For Nons
- Facing the Facts of BPD – On The Other Side For Nons
- Overcoming Denial About BPD and Love
Audio Programs For Loved Ones of BPD © A.J. Mahari
I am an adult child of not one, but two parents, with Borderline Personality Disorder. I learned in my journey of my own recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder (my memoir is coming out in the fall of 2010) that forgiveness is the way forward. That forgiveness is the pathway to emotional peace and freedom. I had worked to hard to free myself from my own experience of having Borderline Personality Disorder to allow myself to remain in the clutches of the emotional pain and suffering that one lives with when one is the adult child of a borderline parent – or parents.
In a video recorded in 2008, A.J. Mahari, talks about her experience as an adult child of two borderline parents and how she knows that forgiveness is necessary for healing and recovery.
- The Shame of Abandonment in BPD
- From False Self To Authentic Self In BPD – Getting In Touch With Your Inner Child
- BPD and Abandonment
- Finding Hope From the Polarized Reality of BPD
- Preparing For Recovery From BPD
- Emotion Dysregulation in BPD
- Rage Addiction in Borderline Personality Disorder
Audio Programs © A.J. Mahari
If you want to heal you need to do whatever you can to get the help you may need to actually get on the road to finding this forgiveness. Even in the face of unresolved issues with a borderline parent. Even in the face of a life-time of wanting a meaningful healthy connection with that parent - a connection that you haven’t been able to establish, may still yearn for, but that you need to learn to radically accept is something that you won’t be able to have. Even when there can be no closure with that parent.
It is only through the surrender to that loss that each one of us, as an adult child or a borderline parent or parent(s), can find our own recovery. Holding on or staying involved in the chaos of a borderline parent isn’t going to give you what you long for. It is only going to hurt you more. Trying to get what you’ve never been able to get, emotionally, from your borderline parent, only keeps you stuck in the pain of that most profound unresolved abandonment and loss.
Having a parent with Borderline Personality Disorder often means a legacy of codependence in your life that can mean you may well be or have been in a series of unhealthy relationships in your adulthood – all in a subconscious search for the bond that you long for from your borderline parent. Toxic relationship patterns often have their roots in the pain of your unresolved abandonment The adult child of a borderline parent, whether or not you developed BPD yourself, needs to resolve the pain of that abandonment – of the unmet needs and of the lack of a healthy and meaningful bond.
It is only by radically acccepting that loss and the pain of that loss, facing it, feeling it, grieving it, and letting it go, that the adult child can truly take his or her life back and find emotional peace and freedom.
© A.J. Mahari, May 7, 2010 – All rights reserved.
Abandonment Negativity Impacts Hope in BPD
In her latest Borderline Personality Disorder Inside Out podcast episode, Life and BPD Coach, A.J. Mahari talks about what she calls the core wound of abandonment and the negative impact that creates in the lives of those diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). People with BPD need to find hope from the polarized negativity of BPD. Polarized negativity that has its roots in unresolved abandonment. Abandonment negativity impacts hope for those who have BPD and for their loved ones.
- The Abandoned Pain of BPD Ebook
- The Legacy of Abandonment in BPD Ebook
- BPD and Abandonment
- From False Self To Authentic Self In BPD – The Inner Child
- Finding Hope From the Polarized Negativity of BPD
Ebooks & Audio Programs © A.J. Mahari
The on-going Impact of The Core Wound of Abandonment in BPD continues to fuel rage – whether it is felt or acknowledged or not – and what has become constant suffering and a pain-perpetuating habit of negativity that precludes hope or any real connection to hope in so many with BPD. Hope is really needed in order to recover from BPD and is something that everyone with BPD needs to know more about. Abandonment negativity in people with Borderline Personality Disorder is at the heart of largely causes and then perpetuates polarized negative black-and-white thinking – the defense mechanism of splitting that negatively impacts both those with BPD and their loved ones and that is at the center of much of the experience of those with BPD and their loved ones in the many ways that BPD manifests in relating and relationships.
Listen to A.J.’s podcast episode Abandonment Negativity Impacts Hope in BPD
- The Puzzle and Mystery of Hope on the Other Side of BPD
- Inside The Borderline Mind
- The Shame of Abandonment In BPD
- Breaking Free of The Borderline Maze – Recovery For Nons
- Facing the Facts of BPD – On The Other Side For Nons
- Overcoming Denial About BPD and Love
Audio Programs For Loved Ones © A.J. Mahari
Listen to A.J.’s podcast episode Abandonment Negativity Impacts Hope in BPD
For anyone with BPD or any loved one of someone with BPD thinking that somehow these deeply ingrained patterns of abandonment negativity will just go away will only prolong your pain and suffering. The negativity that is a lasting impact of unresolved abandonment trauma needs to be addressed by those with BPD. It is the only way to find hope. Hope is central to recovery from BPD.
A.J. Mahari’s Life Coaching Services
- General Life Coaching
- Emotional Mastery Coaching
- Coaching for those with Borderline Personality Disorder or Loved Ones
- Mental Health Coaching
- Codependence/Toxic Relationship Coaching
Enabling Versus Helping – Codependence and Relationships – Borderline Personality Disorder
The difference between helping and enabling is explored. Life Coach and BPD Coach, A.J. Mahari talks about how this applies to those with Borderline Personality Disorder and often their loved ones as well. Enabling is a feature of co-dependence. Codependence is at the heart of much of the toxic dynamic that often unfolds in relationships for those with Borderline Personality Disorder and the non borderlines in their lives.
A borderline writes:
”I’ve been trying to help a friend of mine but I think I’m making matters worse instead of better – since I still don’t understand co-dependency maybe you can help me? Can you explain, to me, the difference between enabling and helping somebody?
This problem I’m having really messes with my own self-esteem. I beat myself up when things go badly for others. If I have anything to do with their hardship I’m especially hard on myself. Then I neglect my own needs and I start coming apart.” — Brooks
This is a very good question. I believe from my own past experience and what I’ve read that many who have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) also have many co-dependent issues to work through. What Brooks is describing above sounds familiar to me. In the past, when I had no boundaries, and the only kind of relationships or friendships I understood were enmeshed ones, I too, at that time, 15 years ago or more in my life now, did not understand the difference between enabling and helping others, or when someone else was helping me versus enabling me. There is often also this dynamic of pulling to be rescued on the part of people with BPD. It is not something that people with BPD are consciously aware of. Just as a borderline will pull for you to meet his or her needs, enable and/or rescue them – which really cannot be done anyway, so too will he or she push you away at every turn. This makes for a crazy-making experience for the non borderline.
The core root of the problem of enabling rests with one’s own inability and or refusal to help him/herself. When one is not helping oneself often he/she may get over-involved in someone else’s problems in what they believe is an attempt to help the other person. More often than not, when one is co-dependent and not able to meet his/her own (emotional needs), what appears to be helping is not only enabling it is also using. It is using because what many are seeking to do in the “helping” of someone else is to avoid their own problems, issues and or avoid meeting their own needs. This is a pattern that often develops from being raised in a co-dependent and or dysfunctional family. A family whose system of relating wasn’t healthy. Rather than support healthy individuation dysfunctional family dynamics support enmeshed styles of relating that are quite painful and that lack boundaries.
Ebooks © A.J. Mahari
- The Abandoned Pain of BPD Ebook
- The Legacy of Abandonment in BPD Ebook
- The Shadows and Echoes of Self – False Self In BPD Ebook
- BPD and Rage Ebook
- Loneliness Ebook
- The Other Side of BPD – Mindfulness and Radical Acceptance for Non Borderlines
- Non Borderline Dilemma – Can Borderlines Love? Do they feel love?
- Full Circle – Lessons for Non Borderlines
- Non Borderlines – You can purchase 6 ebooks packaged together with or without audio.
- Purchase all 3 of ebooks for NON BORDERLINES packaged together with or without audio.
- The Puzzle and Mystery of Hope on the Other Side of BPD
- Inside The Borderline Mind
- The Shame of Abandonment In BPD
- Breaking Free of The Borderline Maze – Recovery For Nons
- Facing the Facts of BPD – On The Other Side For Nons
- Overcoming Denial About BPD and Love
Audio Programs © A.J. Mahari
So firstly, it is important to make sure that you are meeting your own needs and taking personal responsibility for yourself. In order to meet your own needs and to be responsible for yourself you will need to develop boundaries. As you one begins to develop boundaries and a healthy sense of the difference between self and others then and only then can one begin to truly learn the difference between “helping” and “enabling”.
There are many different definitions of what enabling means. What I have come to understand through my own recovery is that enabling refers to doing anything for someone else that they “should” be able to do (and need to do) for themselves.
For example, if someone suffers from agoraphobia, and or anxiety attacks, and has difficulty or feels unable to go to the store – a friend may think that going to the store for this person is “helping” them out. Truthfully, this is an example of enabling because when you go to the store for your friend (something that he/she “should” be able to do for themselves and really need to do for themselves) you are helping them only in so far as you are enabling them to stay stuck in maladaptive coping mechanisms which are not healthy for them. Someone who can’t go to the store on his/her own (who is otherwise physically healthy) due to anxiety or fear, is not able to meet his/her own needs. If you continue to try to meet this need for someone, for example, you only continue to reinforce his/her sense and or feelings of (and belief in) helplessness. After a time, it is also likley that the person going to the store for the one that feels they cannot go for themselves will, over time, get angry.
Enabling plays itself out even more subtly in the emotional arena. If someone has emotional difficulties, a personality disorder and so forth and you try to control them, direct them, tell them how to be, act, or what to do (no matter how well intentioned) chances are much of what you say will apply to what you, yourself, need. It will largely be projection. It will serve the purpose of you avoiding yourself and your own issues and pain and it will simulate some false sense of safety or security to the person who is not yet able to be there and to take care of themselves. This is also a situation, which over time will end up with both parties quite angry with each other. The person who is enabling, “trying to help” will end up being too controlling and the person that is being “enabled” – “helped” will feel controlled and told what to do. No one can change anyone but themselves. The reason and the way we can get so wrapped up in others has all to do with how much we refuse to know ourselves. So, in effect then, for all intents and purposes, the result of enabling is manipulating dishonesty on the part of both the person being enabled and the person who is enabling.
BPD COACHING WITH A.J. MAHARI
LIFE COACHING With A.J. Mahari
Herein lies the enmeshment. If you are in this situation with someone else you do not have healthy boundaries, nor does the person you are in any enmeshment with. This is a recipe for a lot of pain as two people try to live through each other instead of living their own lives.
Enmeshment is a painful and complicated tangling of identities, wants and needs that is not healthy for anyone. Enabling is providing an atmosphere within which another person does not have to take personal responsibility – it is parenting someone who is old enough to parent themselves and who is not a child of yours anyway. It is an over-stepping of what would be considered healthy boundaries. It is a lack of boundaries to be more the point.
Helping someone, on the other hand, consists of giving assistance or lending an ear, after having been asked and doing so without giving direction or advice and without having any stakes in the outcome of the choices a person makes. Helping someone is rendering assistance after having been asked. For example, your friend has to work very late unexpectedly and asks you if you could feed his cat that evening. When someone asks for help they do so allowing and prepared to respond in a healthy and mature manner to being told “NO”. It is always alright to ask for help but asking for help and not being able to hear no likley means that you are really asking for someone to enable you and not to help you at all.
Those with BPD (until they recover significantly) often have not matured emotionally to a point where they have healthy boundaries. There is an almost natural tendency to enmesh with others due to the reality that having BPD usually means that you don’t know who you really are. It is also not uncommon for borderlines to need someone else to give them a sense of safety, security and or well-being. It is equally common with those who have BPD for them to not know how to take personal responsibility and so often they will attempt to shift this to others out of their own sense of helplessness and victimization. Those who allow these borderline needs to be shifted to them are somewhat co-dependent themselves and will be enabling the borderline – not helping them.
In response to what Brooks describes regarding beating himself up if he feels at all that the hardship of someone else has anything to do with him, this is an area where one must carefully assess not only co-dependence, and enabling but also his/her own narcissism. Often, when narcissistic defenses are being used one can feel more responsible for the pain or conflict of others when truthfully, the other person’s experience has nothing whatsoever to do with you.
As Brooks describes neglecting his own needs and the toll this takes on his self-esteem he is insightful to realize the connection there. The questions that Brooks, or anyone in a similar situation (co-dependent, enmeshed, enabling and without healthy boundaries) will benefit from asking themselves are:
- What is it that I really need now that is leading me to do what I am doing with so and so?
- What am I getting out of this?
What do I want to get out of this? - What about what I need?
- How can I take care of my own needs instead of transferring them on to so and so and then believing that I am really caring about so and so’s needs?
When borderlines learn to distinguish themselves from others, achieve a very real sense of who they are, find their own identities and establish healthy boundaries it then becomes painfully clear just what the enabling was really all about. Once one knows who they are and where his/her boundaries are and the difference between self and others this is the place at which one will realize that no matter how much you care for someone else your own needs have to come first. And no matter how much you care for someone else his/her pain, misfortune, etc etc, while you may feel sad about it, is not something that will change your over-all mood in your own life.
Learning to distinguish between helping someone out and enabling can be a long, difficult and painful process. I have been down that road. I have climbed that mountain. I can tell you that all of the hard and painful work it took was well worth it.
Asking the questions that Brooks has asked here means that he is at least half-way down that road. Keep walking down the road to the real you, Brooks. Keep walking down the road to the you that you want to be and need to find. When you get there you will no longer feel the need to enable anyone else or to be enabled by anyone else either. This is a central part of the work required in recoverying from Borderline Personality Disorder.
© A.J. Mahari – January 10, 2001 with additions February 6, 2010 – All rights reserved.
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