Archive for the ‘Abandonment’ Category

BPD Coach, A.J. Mahari, in an excerpt from a workshop she gave to a group of her BPD clients, addresses the importance of the inner child in recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder. For people diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder integrating this wounded part of self is central to recovery.

Many people who have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder are not aware that much of the emotional pain that is so pervasive in their lives has its roots in the core wound of abandonment. An abandonment wound or intra-psychic injury that is suffered by the inner child part of self..

This part of self, the inner child, is then dissociated from as the defense mechanisms that are the hallmark of BPD and that are necessary for emotional and psychological survival cause a separation from what was the burgeoning authentic self and the false self that rises up in its absence.

In the audio program, From False Self To Authentic Self in BPD – Getting In Touch With Your Inner Child A.J. Mahari explores the reality of the false self in Borderline Personality Disorder and the healing reality of the connection to one’s inner child. In much more detail and providing even more insight, Mahari describes why it is so important to get in touch with his or her inner child and his or her abandoned pain and how that is central to recovery.

© A.J. Mahari, May 21, 2010 – All rights reserved.

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BPD a Brain Disorder? Are You Stuck With It?

Is Borderline Personality Disorder really a “brain disorder”? Are you stuck with Borderline Personality Disorder? Life Coach and  BPD Coach, A.J. Mahari, who herself recovered from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) 15 years ago speaks to the question of recovery from BPD in this audio program.

Do you feel like or believe that you can’t get better? That you won’t recover? Do you think BPD is a brain disorder and that means you will always have it? In this audio Life Coach and BPD Coach, A.J. Mahari, who recovered from BPD 15 years ago speaks the these question, “Am I stuck with BPD?” “Is it really possible to recover from BPD? Why don’t professionals describe what recovery is? Why don’t many professionals believe people with BPD can recover?

Borderline Personality Disorder is not only the most stigmatized mental illness, it is also the most pathologized. And it is not just the disorder that is pathologized. People with the disorder are often de-humanized by this pathologizing stigma and the attitude that others don’t want to work with them or that you can’t be helped if you have BPD. This compounds your shame. This can keep you stuck if you let it. Are you aware of what you are thinking? Are you aware of what you actually believe and why this is so important to getting unstuck and moving forward. This and so much more.

READ MORE …

© A.J. Mahari, March 29, 2010 – All rights reserved.

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In her latest Borderline Personality Disorder Inside Out podcast episode, Life and BPD Coach, A.J. Mahari talks about what she calls the core wound of abandonment and the negative impact that creates in the lives of those diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). People with BPD need to find hope from the polarized negativity of BPD. Polarized negativity that has its roots in unresolved abandonment. Abandonment negativity impacts hope for those who have BPD and for their loved ones.

• The Abandoned Pain of BPD Ebook
• The Legacy of Abandonment in BPD Ebook
• BPD and Abandonment
• From False Self To Authentic Self In BPD – The Inner Child
• Finding Hope From the Polarized Negativity of BPD

Ebooks & Audio Programs © A.J. Mahari

The on-going Impact of The Core Wound of Abandonment in BPD continues to fuel rage – whether it is felt or acknowledged or not – and what has become constant suffering and a pain-perpetuating habit of negativity that precludes hope or any real connection to hope in so many with BPD. Hope is really needed in order to recover from BPD and is something that everyone with BPD needs to know more about. Abandonment negativity in people with Borderline Personality Disorder is at the heart of largely causes and then perpetuates polarized negative black-and-white thinking – the defense mechanism of splitting that negatively impacts both those with BPD and their loved ones and that is at the center of much of the experience of those with BPD and their loved ones in the many ways that BPD manifests in relating and relationships.

Listen to A.J.’s podcast episode Abandonment Negativity Impacts Hope in BPD

• The Puzzle and Mystery of Hope on the Other Side of BPD
• Inside The Borderline Mind
• The Shame of Abandonment In BPD
• Breaking Free of The Borderline Maze – Recovery For Nons
• Facing the Facts of BPD – On The Other Side For Nons
• Overcoming Denial About BPD and Love

Audio Programs For Loved Ones © A.J. Mahari

Listen to A.J.’s podcast episode Abandonment Negativity Impacts Hope in BPD

For anyone with BPD or any loved one of someone with  BPD thinking that somehow these deeply ingrained patterns of abandonment negativity will just go away will only prolong your pain and suffering. The negativity that is a lasting impact of unresolved abandonment trauma needs to be addressed by those with BPD. It is the only way to find hope. Hope is central to recovery from BPD.

A.J. Mahari’s Life Coaching Services

• General Life Coaching
• Emotional Mastery Coaching
• Coaching for those with Borderline Personality Disorder or Loved Ones
• Mental Health Coaching
• Codependence/Toxic Relationship Coaching

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The fundamentally foundational epicenter of Borderline Personality Disorder is abandonment. This abandonment experience can be actual or perceived. Abandonment that is perceived is still very real to the person perceiving it. Many people are unaware of the scope and nature of the wide and encompassing spectrum of all that abandonment is. Abandonment can be very obvious or very subtle. Many people with BPD dissociate from what are traumatic and overwhelming feels of abandonment. This means that what author and life coach, A.J. Mahari, refers to as the core wound of abandonment in Borderline Personality Disorder is one that continues to cause a disconnect from identity – the lost self and continues to be the seat of rage in BPD and shame in those with Borderline Personality Disorder.

It is from the heart of this abandonment trauma that people with Borderline Personality Disorder essentially block the very awareness that they need to realize in order to get on and stay on the road to recovery.

Loved ones are very much also effected by the many ways that people with BPD are not able to maintain healthy relationships. Loved ones will also benefit from learning more about abandonment in BPD and how it effects them.

• The Shame of Abandonment in BPD
• From False Self To Authentic Self In BPD – Getting In Touch With Your Inner Child
• BPD and Abandonment
• Finding Hope From the Polarized Reality of BPD
• Preparing For Recovery From BPD
• Emotion Dysregulation in BPD
• Rage Addiction in Borderline Personality Disorder

      Audio Programs © A.J. Mahari

In this video, recorded in 2008, A.J. Mahari on abandonment in BPD

A.J. coaches both those with BPD and loved ones of BPD as a BPD Coach

• The Puzzle and Mystery of Hope on the Other Side of BPD
• Inside The Borderline Mind
• Breaking Free of The Borderline Maze – Recovery For Nons
  
• Facing the Facts of BPD – On The Other Side For Nons
• Overcoming Denial About BPD and Love

Audio Programs For Loved Ones © A.J. Mahari

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Rigid thought patterns in Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) are one of the central manifestations of all that Borderline Personality is and means in the lives of those who have been diagnosed with it. Loved ones and family members are often hurt and confused by these rigid thought patterns also. BPD Coach A.J. Mahari identifies three main reasons why people with BPD have such rigid thought patterns. These rigid thought patterns actually trap people in the active throes of BPD until and unless they get professional help to begin to learn how to think beyond the constricted magical thinking of a primitive concept of cause and effect. Primitive concepts of cause and effect that along with rigid thought patterns are at the center of The Legacy of Abandonment in BPD A legacy of abandonment that is the central cause of Rage in BPD. 

Abandonment in BPD Audio
BPD For Beginners Audio
Emotional Dysregulation in BPD Audio
Finding Hope From the Polarized Thinking in BPD Audio
The Shame of Abandonment in BPD Audio

  Audio Programs  © A.J. Mahari

Rigid thinking, in people who go on to be diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, are created by the following key experiences and or perceptions. Experiences and perceptions that form the foundation of core beliefs – the negative core beliefs of borderline cognitivitely distorted thinking that is firmly fixed or set often by  3-7 years of age. 

1) Insecure attachment or failure to bond: For many varied  reasons, people who are diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder as they get older, have not experienced a secure attachment or bond with a parent or care-taker. This is also experienced and/or perceived as an abandonment. It leaves the young infant, toddler, or child, feeling unsafe. When one feels unsafe it is a natural reflex to try in whatever way one can to protect oneself from these very overwhelming feelings that one has no tools or skills to cope with at such a young age. When protection – one’s survival mechanism kicks in and one begins to fight feeling abandoned and unsafe development gets severely compromised. We cannot learn and protect at the same time. If one is protecting from a very early age, one cannot be learning all that is necessary to mature in healthy emotional/psychological ways. 

• The Puzzle and Mystery of Hope on the Other Side of BPD
• Inside The Borderline Mind
• The Shame of Abandonment In BPD
• Breaking Free of The Borderline Maze – Recovery For Nons
• Facing the Facts of BPD – On The Other Side For Nons
• Overcoming Denial About BPD and Love

              Audio Programs For Non Borderlines © A.J. Mahari 

2) Abandonment – actual or perceived – Many people think abandonment means only physical abandonment, when a parent or care-taker is no longer there. While that can be experienced as abandonment if a parent or care-taker leaves or dies, abandonment is a much more encompassing experience than that. Abandonment can be experienced or perceived when attachment or bonding is not unfolding in firm and secure ways. Abandonment is a reaction to feeling unsafe. It is a terrifying feeling for a young infant, toddler, or child, whose survival depends upon the care of others. In those who go on to be diagnosed with BPD, the most significant abandonment trauma is caused by actual physical abandonment, abuse – which is abandonment, or this lack of bonding because secure attachment and bonding are necessary in order for healthy emotional and psychological development to progress as the child matures through the stages of development. When attachment is not secure and bonding fails or is absent the abandonment felt is so disrupting to child development that what is experienced and set in motion is arrested emotional development. This is why so much of “borderline” behaviour is comparable to the thought patterns (or lack thereof) and the reactions of a very young child. People with BPD have not been able to mature beyond emotional arrests in their development from very early stages of human development. Abandonment is also experienced and/or perceived when a young child’s emotional/psychological and/or physical needs are not met. 

3) Unmet Needs: Unmet emotional, psychological, and developmental needs, for whatever constellation of reasons creates the experience or perception of abandonment. Feeling that a parent or care-giver is not emotionally available creates an invalidating relational experience for the young child whose needs are not being met. The seeds are being planted for negative core beliefs that will form long before one can be consciously aware of them. Defense mechanisms emerge and are employed much more often than are healthy for a young child. Conflicts arise around attachment and relating. When one develops a distrust for the very person that his or her survival depends upon this is an impossible conflict. It is one that sets the stage for “borderline” splitting. The child needs mommy – needs “good mommy” so when mother responds with food or basic needs, mommy is seen as “all-good”. When mommy doesn’t respond to a need of a young child, and it causes pain, fear, and insecurity, the child feels abandonment, needy, scared, helpless, and unsafe creating the perception that mommy is “all-bad” 

• Purchase all 3 of ebooks for NON BORDERLINES or 3 Non Borderline Ebooks packaged together with audio.
• Non Borderlines – You can purchase 6 ebooks packaged together without audio or
  6 ebooks bundled together with 2 audio programs 6 ebooks packaged together with 2 audio programs
• Those with BPD and/or Non Borderlines can purchase
  A.J. Mahari’s 3 “Core Wound of Abandonment” series ebooks or Mahari’s 3 “Core Wound of
  Abandonment” series ebooks with From False Self To Authentic Self In BPD – The Inner Chid Audio Program

Rigid thought patterns, based upon beliefs created around experience – negative “feeling” experience - emerge from these formative years and the profound experience and/or perception of abandonment that is so central to the development of Borderline Personality Disorder. Thought patterns that support protection versus learning. Thought patterns that are often over-compensating for feeling so vulnerable, in so much pain, so unsafe, as to feel that one is going to die because everything comes to feel threatening. Thought patterns that are black and white because a young child cannot integrate the inherent conflict of needing someone for survival who is in one way or another (actual or perception-based) hurting him or her and causing him or her to feel first unsafe, and subsequently as he/she gets a bit older – invalidated. 

Rigid thought patterns are actually developed from a very young age. They continue to find validation in the child’s experience and are validated by that experience or perception and are strengthened by it in subconscious ways. There is a tremendous amount of intra-psychic pain associated with insecure or lack of attachment and bonding, abandonment, and unmet needs. The experience of these 3 foundational building blocks of rigid thought patterns is very painful. It is all much more pain than a young child has any way of processing or coping with. 

© A.J. Mahari, February 9, 2010 – All rights reserved.  

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As a Life Coach, BPD Coach and Mental Health Coach, A.J. Mahari talks with clients every day who are in the on-going experience of having their footsteps from the past obstruct their here-and-now in ways that mean unidentified and unreached goals and dreams. Footsteps from the past do not have to continue to obstruct your here-and-now. Mahari knows first-hand that the first step in creating a here-and-now unfolding authenticity in your life journey – to reach your promise and potential and unleash your passion –  is to awaken to the awareness that you are looking back more than you are living now and more than you can look ahead with any confidence.

The more you live with, in, from, and through unresolved past issues in your life, the more you are and will remain disconnected from who the Self in you really is today – from who you really are. Footsteps of unresolved emotions from the past cast a long shadow that effects people knowing who they really are and negatively impacts relationships.

Footsteps from the past obstruct, if not utterly obliterate the here-and-now. What is experienced repeatedly in the lives of those carrying the unresolved and unrelenting painful and negative experience of childhood (or parts of childhood) is the experience of a young and wounded child – not the experience of an emotionally mature adult.

How can you see where you are, let alone where you might be going, or want to go, if you are looking back. Back at the trail of footsteps that was a journey already taken? How can you know who you are when you are essentially still who you were?

If you are still living through unresolved childhood psychological and emotional woundedness you cannot fully experience the here-and-now as it is actually unfolding because you will be triggered back to re-experiencing what you have not yet worked through, accepted, and/or resolved.

To read the rest of this article (free) please visit Dialectic Magazine

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People diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder do not have a sense of known self or a stable sense of identity. In both a video below and on youtube and an in depth audio program available for purchase at, phoenixrisingpublications.ca, Author and Mental Health Coach and Life Coach, A.J. Mahari, talks about the lost self in BPD and the need and search for the lost self and for identity. Mahari talks about what it means and what it feels like to not know who you are and how that can effect your life and keep those with BPD stuck in the suffering and victimization of past abandonment trauma. Mahari knows because years ago, when she had BPD, she did not know who she was either. In her recovery from BPD 14 years ago Mahari did find her lost authentic self and her identity.

• Purchase all 3 of ebooks for NON BORDERLINES or 3 Non Borderline Ebooks packaged together with audio.
• Non Borderlines – You can purchase 6 ebooks packaged together without audio or 6 ebooks bundled together with 2 audio programs 6 ebooks packaged together with 2 audio programs
• Those with BPD and/or Non Borderlines can purchase A.J. Mahari's 3 "Core Wound of Abandonment" series ebooks or Mahari's 3 "Core Wound of Abandonment" series ebooks with From False Self To Authentic Self In BPD – The Inner Chid Audio Program

At the center of BPD is the core wound of abandonment – an abandonment wound so traumatic that it causes what Melanie Klein referred to as the "psychological death of the otherwise burgeoning authentic self"

This "psychological death" that anyone diagnosed with BPD experiences causes such overwhelming pain at such a very young age in childhood that there is no way to cope with it. This pain then is effectively also abandoned which coupled with the loss of self creates the need for the rise of the borderline false self that in many ways is at the center of the on-going impact of the core wound of abandonment.

Read more and purchase A.J.'s Audio Program

Lost Self In BPD – Need and Search For Identity

Author, life coach and strategist, A.J. Mahari, in a video recorded in July 2007, talks about what she calls the core wound of abandonment and its impact on the patterned negativity those with BPD live in and through.

• The Abandoned Pain of BPD Ebook
• The Legacy of Abandonment in BPD Ebook
• The Shadows and Echoes of Self – False Self In BPD Ebook
• BPD and Rage Ebook
• Those with BPD and/or Non Borderlines can purchase
  A.J. Mahari's 3 "Core Wound of Abandonment" series ebooks only or A.J. Mahari's 3 "Core Wound of
  Abandonment" series ebooks packaged together with
  From False Self To Authentic Self In BPD – The Inner Child Audio Program
  
• Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder The Lost Self The Impact of The Core Wound of Abandonment
• The Other Side of BPD – Mindfulness and Radical Acceptance for Non Borderlines
• Non Borderline Dilemma – Can Borderlines Love? Do they feel love?
• Full Circle – Lessons for Non Borderlines
• Non Borderlines – You can purchase 6 ebooks packaged together with or without audio.
• Purchase all 3 of ebooks for NON BORDERLINES packaged together with or without audio.

Mahari talks about the fact that this patterned reactive negativity on the part of those with BPD polarizes the way they think and can often keep them blocked from feeling the hope necessary to get on and stay on the road to recovery.

© A.J. Mahari, February 1, 2009 – Video © A.J. Mahari 2007 – All rights reserved.

Adult children of those diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder often struggle with many aspects of the relationship (or lack thereof) with the parent that has BPD. Responses of adult-children with a parent with Borderline Personality Disorder to questions from A.J. Mahari about ending the relationship with a borderline parent.

Often Borderline Personality Disorder so negatively impacts relationships that even what one would hope could be or would be a relationship with a borderline parent is one that needs to ended in order for them adult child to heal and find a healthier way of relating and living his or her own life.

• The Puzzle and Mystery of Hope on the Other Side of BPD
• Inside The Borderline Mind
• The Shame of Abandonment In BPD
• Breaking Free of The Borderline Maze – Recovery For Nons
  
• Facing the Facts of BPD – On The Other Side For Nons
• Overcoming Denial About BPD and Love

2) Has anyone "left" – ended a relationship with a Borderline parent?

4) Even if this is not what you have personally chosen in your life, what advice would you give someone wanting/needing to end a relationship with a Borderline Parent?

39 Female, White, Mother BPD, and father bipolar schizophrenic.

• Purchase
  all 3 of ebooks for NON BORDERLINES or 3 Non Borderline Ebooks packaged together with audio.
• Non Borderlines – You can purchase 6 ebooks packaged together without audio or
  6 ebooks bundled together with 2 audio programs 6 ebooks packaged together with 2 audio programs
• Those with BPD and/or Non Borderlines can purchase
  A.J. Mahari's 3 "Core Wound of Abandonment" series ebooks or Mahari's 3 "Core Wound of
  Abandonment" series ebooks with From False Self To Authentic Self In BPD – The Inner Child Audio Program

1) How do you end a relationship with a Borderline?

1) How do you end a relationship with a Borderline?

• 3 Non Borderline Ebooks
• 6 Non Borderline Ebooks
• 3 Core Wound of Abandonment in BPD Series of Ebooks
• Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder The Lost Self The Impact of The Core Wound of Abandonment Ebook 1
• Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder The Rock and a Hard Place in BPD The Impact of The Core Wound of Abandonment Ebook 2

Are you an adult child of a borderline mother or father, or both? Are you still struggling to cope with the borderline mother or father in your life? Do you have unresolved issues that you'd like to discuss with others that understand? If so, please visit my Non Borderline Message Forum register to join in on many discussions taking place between non borderlines, family members etc and adult children of those with BPD in a relatively new section of this forum.

© A.J. Mahari, November 9, 2008 – All rights reserved.

Abandonment trauma, regardless of the cause or causes of Borderline Personality Disorder is the most central issue that borderlines grapple with, sometimes on a daily basis.

Abandonment issues are at the heart of what fuels everything borderline in the lives of those diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and in the lives of the non borderlines who care about them.

What I call the core wound of abandonment is not only central to much of the cause of Borderline Personality Disorder but learning to understand it, cope with it, and resolve it is central to recovery.

• The Shame of Abandonment in BPD
• From False Self To Authentic Self In BPD – Getting In Touch With Your Inner Child
• BPD and Abandonment
• Finding Hope From the Polarized Reality of BPD
• Preparing For Recovery From BPD
• Emotion Dysregulation in BPD
• Rage Addiction in Borderline Personality Disorder

Watch my latest video Abandonment Is Central In Borderline Personality Disorder

 What is Abandonment? © A.J. Mahari 2006

Awareness of The Core Wound of Abandonment Will Change Your Life © A.J. Mahari 2006

© A.J. Mahari, August 25, 2008 – All rights reserved.