Father of BPD Daughter

The following are questions I asked a father of a borderline daughter and his responses. All names have been changed to protect the identity of the Borderline and this father's wife and family. For the purpose of this interview the father will be known as "Jackson". "Jackson" has two daughters, one has BPD and the other one does not. His Borderline daughter is the oldest. -- A.J.

A.J. asks: "Can you share a bit about your "tough love" approach to your borderline daughter? Did you always have this approach? If not, when did you adopt it and why. How does it differ from your approach with your other child and your grandchild?

"Jackson's" reply: The concept of Tough Love is not new. It was developed by parents of wayward teens who seemed to know no negative behavioral bounds. I read the book entitled Tough Love, went to one meeting with my wife, and never returned to meet again.

The experience of that meeting simply reinforced my intuitive understanding that regardless of what "Joan's" formal diagnosis, her behavior could not be accepted on its own terms. We, as "Joan's" parents, had to find some way to protect ourselves from the obvious harm and dysfunction she was causing.

I think "Joan" was formally diagnosed as Borderline at age 16. We had no idea prior to this clinical assessment what "Joan's" mental health issues were called or if they even fit a known category. When we were told "Joan" was Borderline, I turned to the DSM and began researching. "Joan" seemed to meet just about every criterion listed in that manual for mental health diagnosis.

"Joan's" increasingly negative behavior was effecting the entire family. I had to make a move to protect myself, "Marg", and "Alice" from the constant turmoil "Joan" created.

I made Sergeant in 1989 which necessitated my being away from home 4 days each week and home 2 days for almost 4 years. After the third or so emergency phone call from "Marg", I remarked: "Joan" will never again cause another emergency crisis. I cannot risk driving at 90 miles per hour back home to deal with these situations. Sooner or later, I'll wind up smashing myself up in an attempt to deal with a crisis that isn't really a crisis.

When I realized how "Joan's behavior was negatively impacting the entire nuclear family unit, I made a decision that "Joan" had to go. She had to leave our home.

At the point I made this decision, "Joan" was living home and sometimes slumming it God knows where. I packed up 16 boxes in a total fury and left them on our front porch for her to pick up or not.

Throwing "Joan" out of my house, at 16, was illegal. It put my job and my wife's job in jeopardy. I felt I had no choice but to get "Joan" out of the house regardless of the laws involved.

"Marg" and I also felt that "Joan" had the capacity to physically harm us. I was tired of the filthy room the missed school days, the being told to "go fuck myself." Something had to give soon. So, I decided that the dysfunctional family limb had to be severed from the tree.

It was at this point, my idea of tough love became apparent. Of course, "Joan" did return home several times after I threw her out, but that tale is told in my story, "A Father's Journey".

NOTE:You can read more about "Jackson" and his experience with a Borderline daughter in A Father's Journey

"Alice", my youngest daughter who is now 22 did not need any special approaches. She was about 10 when "Joan" left our house for the first time.

"Marg" and I tried to adjust our routine to fit "Alice's" growing needs. "Alice" was pushed to the background during the daily conflicts with "Joan". We had some catching up to do. We found that "Alice" was prone to learn the easy way by taking advice. This is not to say she was a perfect child.

"Alice" went on to do well academically, not an A student, but when did well in her classes and became a high school basketball star highly recruited for this little rural town we live in. I think "Alice" was embarassed by "Joan's" behavior.

Mom and Dad, that would be "Jackson" and "Marg", kept "Alice" involved in the community and with sports. "Alice" bought into our middle class standards and goals. "Alice" was developing a strong work ethic through her sporting teams and waitressing job.

"Alice" is progressing, and learning, and striving. She has the tools with which to succeed. Same parents, same family structure, same values. Go figure.

I can only say I thoroughly believe "Joan" got the bad gene which brought about her Borderline classification.

"Anne", my grand-daughter, ("Joan's" daughter who lives with us) much like "Alice" after "Joan" was thrown out, is being raised like an only child. "Anne" gets lots of personalized, one on one attention.

"Anne" is involved in ballet, band, chorus, basketball, soccer, and all the normal things kids do these days if they are from a middle class family.

My over-riding child rearing philosophy centers on self esteem building. "Marg" and I err on the side of more praise and less criticism. But, you can be sure we do plenty of correcting and guiding. We try, however, to praise as much as we can on a legitimate and sincere, meaningful level. "Anne" seems to have missed the bad gene. We hope so.

I think "Marg" and I would have done better if "Joan" was the last one raised instead of the first. Even with the Borderline behavior, "Marg" and I would have been better parents and done things differently.

What exactly differently, I don't know specifically, but our age and experience would have given us a better edge on how to handle "Joan's" very dysfunctional behavior.

A.J. asks: Could you talk a bit about this experience in your life and your thoughts about how having a BPD daughter may have impacted your physical health in comparison to your mental health/feelings attitudes?

"Jackson's" reply: "Joan" created stress - a lot of stress. I went from smoking 1 1/2 packs a day to 3 packs a day. My thinking was often consumed with thinking of ways I could help "Joan" and not harm myself and the rest of the family. I was in a box with no way to get out. Oh how frustrating this was. I suppose some of that stress was rough on me physically too.

After awhile, I learned to compartmentalize the problems with "Joan". I could mentally put "Joan" on a shelf and perform my job responsibilities well enough to continue working and receiving my paycheck.

After I threw "Joan" out, I had a clean extra room, nobody telling me to go fuck myself. "Marg" did not have to be concerned about troopers coming to the door.

Our neighbors gossiped some I suppose, but, we remained aloof - understanding that no one but us knew the inside deal.

Somebody decided to report us to the child abuse hotline so we went through a 6 month investigation. The investigations showed we were in the clear.

Sort of embarrassing to be reported for abuse when your own child is abusing her parents. How do you explain Borderline behavior to a county social worker with blank eyes who has heard lots of stories like ours?

Again, I think my heart problems stem from genetics and smoking for 30 years. "Joan's" behavior is just a corollary issue -- not tremendously relevant to the physiological problem.

Ah, but the mental anguish. We worried, and worried, and worried. We obsessed over the worst scenarios possible. We thought Joan would wind up a drug addict, or a whore, or that she would wind up dead way before her time.

I came to realize that "Joan" was pretty good at taking care of herself. Not so much in the bread and butter department, but, in dealing with a nasty world with an even nastier attitude. "Joan" seemed to know how to survive in her environment.

The many years of heartache takes its toll, emotionally, and I guess to some degree physically.

A.J. asks: Can you, talk a bit more about "Two daughters, same parents."?

"Jackson's" reply: For years, I racked my brains to try and find instances where "Marg" and/or I had abused "Joan". I tried to ferret out instances where we may have left her out to fend for herself at an early age. Could "Joan" have been abused by a friend, a family member, a stranger? I had to wonder and go down this road in my head because the stance of the mental health professionals out there seems to advocate, at least until more recently, that BPD was the result of abuse or somehow the parents fault, or the fault of some abusively invalidating environment. It made little sense to me because we have two daughters, same parents. One has Borderline Personality Disorder and the other one doesn't.

How did "Joan" lose trust in us as parents? How did we fail to meet her early needs? How did we crush her self esteem? Did we?

I found no answers. As "Joan" grew older, in her early teen years, I could trace the thread of destroying her self esteem. Her behavior indicated she had no self esteem. I don't think I was good at trying to bolster what little "Joan" may have had.

But, this process did not happen in "Joan's" early years. She was wanted, loved, adored.

BPD research indicates that Borderlines are often abused as children. How scary that was for "Marg" and I to accept in our case. I struggled to find it a plausible explanation in our situation and still come up with a zero.

"Joan" cut herself (self mutilation). She has homemade tattoos. She used to defecate and not flush the toilet. She has no real teeth anymore because simple oral hygiene was unimportant to her. Sometimes her house is in one piece and other times, it is full of dirty dishes, garbage and flies.

I have refused to set foot into any place "Joan" has lived since 1996 or so. How could "Joan" come from a pretty clean home with parents who brush their own teeth twice a day, and change bedding once a week, accept the kind of flop house life she lives?

"Marg" does visit "Joan's" living situation and says "Joan" seems to be doing better with the cleanliness issues. I cannot bear to expose myself to her living conditions.

I still wonder, how can the apple fall so far from the tree? Borderline behavior.
In our case, I do believe "Joan" got the deuce of spades and can't choose another card to replace it.

as of December 2, 2003