Do You Self Harm?

[sparks42]

So I have to be careful when I selfharm.   

That's an interesting sentence.....

Anyways hi I guess I self harm?  I've never done cutting or anything.....
But when life isn't doing what I want or if I'm stressed or anything, I'll pick my face.  Kinda like picking scabs.....but I'll pick any little bump so I bleed. It's NOT to bleed or feel pain or anything....maybe a compulsive habit ?
Same thing with inside my mouth.....I'll bite my tongue and cheek and bleed.   My whole face and mouth are totally scarred because of this and it's really embarrassing.

The face picking thing..... because of me, there's always scabs on my face....you can SEE that I pick at.
My mom accused me of being a meth head becuase of it!!!

I also used to do a lot of ecstacy pills..... but I totally stopped that over a year ago.
I do smoke a lot of marijuana now..... I don't do any other drugs (anymore) I would love to stop smoking it but I can't.  If I don't have my mary jane, I will cry   and lay on the floor and feel like life cannot go on.

I'll shut up now 

[Linda]

You definitely harm yourself doing drugs.

I also used to do a lot of ecstacy pills..... but I totally stopped that over a year ago.
I do smoke a lot of marijuana now..... I don't do any other drugs (anymore) I would love to stop smoking it but I can't.  If I don't have my mary jane, I will cry   and lay on the floor and feel like life cannot go on.
I'll shut up now 

When are you going to get help?

[untreatable]

My self harm history spans over twenty years and I am mainly a cutter but will use other methods if my preferred is not available for example during my last hospital stay I would refuse to eat for days at a time until I could find a device that would at least be comparable to cutting.  As of right now I am three months harm free which is due to the effects of Seroquel then anything else.

Self harm has always been the first thing I turn to when I am in a downward slide that has lasted over time.  I would have never started initially if I knew how difficult it was to stop and how quickly it becomes your main coping mechanism.

take care

[A.J. Mahari]

My self harm history spans over twenty years and I am mainly a cutter but will use other methods if my preferred is not available for example during my last hospital stay I would refuse to eat for days at a time until I could find a device that would at least be comparable to cutting.  As of right now I am three months harm free which is due to the effects of Seroquel then anything else.

Self harm has always been the first thing I turn to when I am in a downward slide that has lasted over time.  I would have never started initially if I knew how difficult it was to stop and how quickly it becomes your main coping mechanism.

take care

Hey there

I think many many with BPD turn quickly to self harm when they get into distress or stress they don't know how to cope with otherwise. Interesting that you realize that you wouldn't have started if you knew how difficult it would be to stop - I wonder, was it a conscious choice you made when you first started to self harm do you think?

Anything that becomes a main maladaptive or "pathological" unhealthy coping mechanism truly can be replaced in time, in therapy, with more constructive ways of coping. Those with BPD must be willing to work in a dedicated way on distress tolerance to make that change possible, however.

I used to self harm when I had BPD - primarily cutting, some punching brick walls and things of that nature. For me it was so about trying to relieve what I only felt and knew as agitation and a "sped up" uncomfortable distressing feeling - anger and rage too but what I wasn't aware of before I got treatment that was really my abandoned pain.

When one is ready and willing to face and feel his or her pain (in therapy with support) one can lay down the coping mechanism of self harm. It also involves, of course, working on issues of shame. I am currently writing an ebook about shame in BPD, please keep checking back to http://www.borderlinepersonality.ca for when that will be available for anyone who may be interested.

[untreatable]

I discovered, if you will, self harm in the middle of a suicide attempt, realized half way through that I felt better and next thing I knew it self harm was part of my life

[A.J. Mahari]

I discovered, if you will, self harm in the middle of a suicide attempt, realized half way through that I felt better and next thing I knew it self harm was part of my life

Well, there's a paradox eh? In this case, the lessor of two evils for sure. But then again, often, it is the self harm coping mechanisms as well as other "borderline" defense mechanisms that truly do fit the bill of enabling survival until one learns healthier ways of coping so that makes sense and I am so glad for you that you are still here! That's a truly positive thing in it all.

[Ess]

I don't hurt myself. I don't know why but I think it might be that I'm hurting so much internally that I wouldn't want to add anymore pain. I have a great belief in a higher power and couldn't imagine committing suicide. I figure if there is a hell and this isn't it I sure don't want to go there forever. This is just my belief and it keeps me alive. My children and husband are a great part of my reason to live and I'm not going to leave them without a mother and wife.

[happy]

i use to burn myself, cut and the most destructive one was hang myself or tie cords ropes around my neck,none of these i do now as it got to the point of dying, i worked through this with a psychologist and intensive therapy, just recently i found that i was still harming myself by not taking my meds,I'm half taking them now and being watched by my team but not easy to start again,

[chickadee]

I used to overdose on medication.  I also cut my upper arms and legs.  my therapist isn't all that pushy to try to get me to stop right now.  she just asks if it helps me.   my therapist is a psychriatric nurse btw. 

sharon

[sami]

I make myself bleed because it feels like a release to me, the only way i can release any hurt or anger i have is thru causing pain to myself. i do it alot less often than i did when i was teenager, but sometimes i do it and am not realizing at the moment that i am doing it. does that make sense? only when i am extremely stressed does it happen. it is hard for me to talk about my feelings to anyone in person, the pain of trying to verbally say it is overwhelming and it scares me too much so its easier to feel physical pain.

[Linda]

Sami I hope that you can share your feeling on selfharm with us on this forum. It is very hard for me too to tell my feelings to others verbally.

[toria53]

Yes  I have self harmed a lot ! disorder eating, compulsive overeating, promiscuity,picking at my self etc. etc.  all ways to deal with unpleasant feelings and/or compulsions. I am happy and proud to say that I have finished doing most of them and am really concentrating on things I can do to love myself...not hurt myself anymore

[A.J. Mahari]

Yes  I have self harmed a lot ! disorder eating, compulsive overeating, promiscuity,picking at my self etc. etc.  all ways to deal with unpleasant feelings and/or compulsions. I am happy and proud to say that I have finished doing most of them and am really concentrating on things I can do to love myself...not hurt myself anymore

Hi Toria53,

Can you share with us here what kinds of things you are doing do be loving with yourself? What has helped you the most to stop self-harming?

[Tania]

I self harm in a variety of different ways.  I am a compulsive shopper, sexually explicit with everyone except my spouse, I drink while I am on anxiety pills and anti-dpressants, and am obsessed with the weigh scale and exercise 2-3 hrs/day.   I can't seem to stop with any of the above until after the fact.  Currently, my meds have changed and I have been pretty diligent with the not drinking business, but I am completely obsessive with weight control and exercise to the point where I feel guilty if I don't go or weigh myself everyday.  Yet with all that exercise I come home and have to have cigarette which I just started after a six week stint in the psych unit.  It seems everyone was smoking there.

[Soandso]

Many years ago I cut myself.  I carved poems into my forearm "strength out of need, anger out of love".  Wow, I can still remember that.  What the heck does that mean, anyways?  I did a lot of ritualistic cutting and scarring.  I have always been into self harm, even as a child - I took dares from the boys to do things like rub the back of my hand until the skin tore open.  Without flinching.  It was called "the sissy test".  It hurt but I could do it.  Once, as an adult, I beat and rubbed my forehead against a brick wall until it bruised and bled.  My friends laughed at me.  Later on I would add piercings and tattoos (many) to my repertoire - tattoos I still do occasionally - the process brings endorphins and feels great.  It's also a ritual I like, an art form, a challenge to myself, an initiation.  It feels primitive in a grounded way, connected to the earth.  Maybe just trying to feel my lost self in there...  Or build up a strength against the hurt I feel most everyday anyways.  Gotta be tough.  I do martial arts.  I push myself until I feel I'll drop.  More endorphins and head clearing, at least temporarilly.  There is a fine line there between self harm and simply pushing myself until I'm spent. Self harm now takes the form of picking at myself, pulling out my hair, and fighting urges (lightening-like surges) to cruise off the cliff or into a tree when I'm driving or smash my face with whatever is in my hand.  No real coping there, I just don't do it.  But the feeling is intensely frightening, like an electric shock, and I don't like it and I fight fight fight, seems like all the time I'm fighting this.  And which self am I harming?  The false self?  The one that has kept me alive all this time?  Where is the real me?  I don't want to hurt her, poor thing.  She's taken enough already. 

I'm just starting to understand about grieving the false self as I let her go although the actual letting go has not really begun in earnest yet.  That's what therapy is for, I imagine.

One thing I have done is put a picture of me at 5 years old on my computer which I work at all day long.  It's hard to believe, looking into those little eyes, that that person is me.  I am so disconnected from her.  I can't feel her. 

Thanks for letting me document this here.  Some days are pretty okay, but the days that are not okay hit hard.  This forum is helping me.  The love of my friends is helping me.  How will it feel to love myself?  To have peace?  I gots no clue.  I'm looking forward to finding out.