Going periods of time without harming myself!

[A.J. Mahari]

Thank you very much.

I did talk about selfharm to my psychiatrist and he says that picking your face isn't a form of selfharm if it is done like out of habit or nervousness.
He asked me what made me stop my frequent bouts of selfharm and I told him that it just wasn't worth it. I don't want more scars. I did sleep a lot this weekend on medication and I have to go back to the lab the day after tomorrow.
Life is difficult at times, I'm not going to let the difficult times take away my joy of living.

Linda

Interesting conclusion your psychiatrist came to. I am not entirely sure that I would agree. Just because something is a nervous habit or otherwise categorized really doesn't make it anymore positive, you know? By the way, can't face picking also leave scars? I am sure that for every one psychiatrist would say it isn't self-harm there is likely another out there who would disagree. Perhaps it's a matter of interpretation? What I do know though is that anything short of positive self regard and kind nurturing self love that doesn't in anyway harm, hurt, or leave scars can be construed as being harming to one's self and therefore as being self-harm.

I commend you for your overall determination with this issue however and for coming to realize that you don't want anymore scars.

I hope all works out at the lab for you with the tests. I do not want to seem or sound negative, Linda, but I feel it important to point out that sleeping with or without medication ("knocking" yourself out as you called it) to not feel or to avoid nervousness and what may also be dysregulated emotions is by its very nature an abuse of yourself and thus is another form of self-harm.

Self-harm is much more far-reaching than I think many with BPD often think. It goes way beyond cutting and the more obviously defined ways that those with BPD often self-harm.

I just felt it important to add this here and I hope you will think about it. I also want to say that you are working very hard and I hope that you will keep that up and keep going to therapy and taking the best care of yourself that you can.

[A.J. Mahari]

I guess I'd like to say here that it is possible and I think very common for those with BPD to stop certain forms of self-harm and trade them in for other types of self-harm. It is also common to be hurting one's self with certain choices, actions or inaction and to not realize that what one is choosing and doing is also self-harm.

I think that it is important for Linda, and anyone else who can relate to this, to understand that even if you are, in fact, engaged in other types of self-harm (with or without realizing it) you will benefit from not taking a black-and-white approach to the issue of self-harm in your life.

In other words, if you have, like Linda, stopped a form of self-harm for a given period of time, however short or long, hold on to that, value that, know that matters regardless. Understand that while not choosing one form of self-harm that even if you are harming yourself in another way there are two things happening at once, there is a paradox in all of this.

In witness to what Linda has shared here we can see that she has both stopped a form of self-harm and is also self-harming in one or more other ways. Both realities are true with one being more positive than the other. So it is important to not feel totally victorious about one or totally defeated by the other. The best place to focus, if you are working on this issue as Linda is, is on both realities at the same time and on what this paradoxical unfolding means in your over-all process as someone working to better understand yourself and to find more recovery from BPD, generally, and more specifically in your working to address issues of self-harm.

[Linda]

A.J., you are right. I was focussing too much on selfharm that leaves scars behind.
I know that not eating well, or wrongfully using presciption drugs, etc. is a form of selfharm too, eventhough they don't leave scars behind. They do damage to the body.

So it is important to not feel totally victorious about one or totally defeated by the other. The best place to focus, if you are working on this issue as Linda is, is on both realities at the same time and on what this paradoxical unfolding means in your over-all process as someone working to better understand yourself and to find more recovery from BPD, generally, and more specifically in your working to address issues of self-harm.

Thank you for letting me see the truth A.J. and I hope that this post will help many others.

Linda

[A.J. Mahari]

You are welcome Linda

It is very important for you and anyone with BPD to recognize and realize that self-harm has many faces and that not all means and methods leave physical scars but I do believe all means and methods add to emotional/psychological scars. And that matters more than many with BPD (depending where one is at in the journey) often are consciously aware of.

There can be this shame cycle that essentially plays out what is also an addiction of sorts to the kind of intra-psychic pain that one may well have been suffering with most of one's life.

[Francine]

Hi A.J.

Talking about self harm.  These days I really feel like doing self harm because I'm at a point where I do not know where to turn anymore.  I know wise mind is not self harm but sometimes it just makes things worst for me because I continue to sabatage myself and keep thinking about the issues that are bothering and triggering me in this present time.  So let's just say that I'm a total reck and eventhough I use the DBT skills they don't seem to help.  That dissapoints me because I'm saying to myself that I should be  coping on my own and be able to control it all but I just can't.  I get very overwhelmed and depressed to a point where I get to low and I just want to give up.  Would you have any tips that you could give me to get through this rough period of time? 

Best regards,
Francine

[A.J. Mahari]

Hi Francine,

I am sorry to hear that things are rough and difficult for you right now. It is important to separate how you feel from what you act on. So much of what many with BPD tend to feel is actually what they are thinking about.

Two things here really:

 1) Radical Acceptance is important. When you keep thinking about issues that are bothering you and triggering you practice just radically accepting that. This means that you accept what you are thinking and that you are triggered and you let the thoughts come and go observing them with Mindfulness and not judging them or acting upon them. Just let them be.

2) When it comes to feeling hopeless and/or depressed to the point where you feel like self-harming what is really going on is that what you are describing as feelings are, in fact, thoughts. This is why mindfulness and radical acceptance are so important to just keep practicing in these triggered and difficult times. The more you can observe your thoughts and the more you radically accept those thoughts, the more you will gain some distance and in time, perspective on those thoughts. When the thoughts aren't actively being engaged they will not hold the same power over what you experience as being feelings.

And ... Francine, please let go of the idea, the notion, or the thought or feeling that as you said, "That dissapoints me because I'm saying to myself that I should be coping on my own and be able to control it all but I just can't." It is not about control. The more you make it about control the worse it will all get. It is about the need for Mindfulness and Radical Acceptance. When you tell yourself that coping = control and being/thinking/feeling out of control = not coping you have set up a no-win place for yourself that is polarized and only adds to and fuels your suffering.

Keep practicing Mindfulness and Radical Acceptance. Know that every moment that you make the effort to practice DBT skills is a moment you move closer to turning your suffering into manageable pain. There is no such thing as failure. You just give the moment the best you can with the DBT practice. Feeling out of control or feeling painful, unwelcome, unwanted and/or scary feelings isn't failure. It's okay to feel those things. Radically accept those feelings. Use distraction techniques or opposite action and keep posting

I know what I have just responded with might seem like blah blah blah when you are down and/or distressed but truly if you keep returning to the DBT understanding that the goal is not to change how you feel or control what you think or feel but that the goal is to mindfully observe and radically accept you can and will, in time, experience a shift.

Remember also that EVERYTHING comes to pass. How you feel when things are the worst, won't last. It will pass. Tell yourself that in the difficult moments, practice DBT, and just hang on.

[Francine]

Hi A.J.

Thanks for responding to my post.  Thanks for the nice tips and advice.  It is nice to see the other side of how you can deal with it.  When your in a period of need, you don't see the nice things, only the bad.  Having some support sure helps get through the rough times.  I appreciate you taking the time.

Best regards,
Francine

[Linda]

Is there anything that can help me to reason when I am at the point of selfharm? I don't think clearly. All I want to do when I want to selfharm is selfharm and I don't think much about the consequences when I am in the process of doing it.
All these tips are helpful when my mind is sane. I always get blinded by the urge to selfharm. I am so afraid of starting again, been having triggers all week.
My neurologist told me to call him when I feel the urge, but he only gave me his office phone number. Very handy. I don't selfharm during office hours.

[Caradavine]

Not sure myself, I am fine (and have been much better) about not self harming, but recently things are so out of control it is all I think about. I haven't done it yet, and I don't plan to, but hurt needs to come or these feelings will just grow. Does that make sense? I can't feel without feeling, what am I supposed to do?? I need to find some way to get back into therapy soon. Oh, I know, the rubber band on the wrist trick, almost forgot..

[Linda]

I had a rubber band on the wrist last year but used it so bad that my wrist stayed bruised for a week.

[Caradavine]

There is one thing I do. I think of the other times I self-harmed and how I had to hide it from others. And how, after the times of self-harm, I was so ashamed (even if no one else knew) and hoped no one would see or understand the self-inflicted wounds. Even if they were hidden well, I was still fearful and ashamed. So, I would think of those feelings, and I would think of how disappointed my family and therapist would be. And, then I would think of my cats (lol, children if you have those) and think of how, if I messed up just once and made it permanent, I would never see them again. Does this help? I would also remind myself that I needed to get better, not worse (cause, let's face it, once we go back to the behavior, it is easier to stay in that behavior). By the time I went through this "script" in my mind, the urge would be over.

[Linda]

That is a good point Caradavine. To think of the feelings you have after the SI. The shame and fear.
Also that you think about your cats and how it would affect you if something went wrong.
I have cats too, no children (yet?). I will try my best to think of the consequences when I am at the point of selfharm.
I almost SI yesterday evening. I was feeling lousy and had feelings of uselessness come over me. I was chatting with a friend and wanted to end the conversation asap so I could go cut myself in the kitchen.
I told her that I needed to cut something in the kitchen. She asked what and because I didn't tell her she became suspicious (she knows I am BPD, she doesn't know I SI) so she called me and kept talking to me until my mother got home. I thanked her for keeping me distracted and told her that I was going to do something harmful. She said that she suspected that, that is why she kept me distracted from doing it.
Later that night I got high fever and rash all over. I guess that the urge to SI came because I wasn't feeling too well.
I try to think about the consequences next time...I really do not want more scars.

Thanks,

Linda

[Linda]

I took my dog Sandy to the vet today. Was kinda hoping they could do something for her swollen stomach. They told me that her stomach and belly is filled with blood, cause Heartworm. They put her to sleep.
I have lost two cats three months ago. And now my dog. I am really really sad and I cried all the way home.
I have always SI'd after one of my dogs died and am determined to break that cycle now.

Linda

Update: 2/21/08  Had a long sleepless night. Couldn't get the events of the day out of my mind. Putting up a real struggle here not to SI.

[Caradavine]

How are you doing?

[Linda]

I'm okay. How are you?