Ask A.J. Questions about BPD #2 Only For Those with BPD

[A.J. Mahari]

Please Note: If you are loved one of someone with BPD - a non borderline - please post any questions you have for me in the "Ask A.J. section of the Non Borderline Topic Board - Thanks!

Since the first "Ask A.J. Questions about BPD" has now reached 7 pages I decided it might be helpful for readers if we started a part 2. So, here in this topic, like the first topic area of the same name minus the 2  please feel free to ask me questions about BPD whether you have it or are a loved one of someone who has BPD. Please keep in mind that questions that aren't too personal nature are best because my answers are designed to give information, hopefully food for thought and some understanding or insight but I really can't give advice and I am not a mental health professional. Even as a BPD/Mental Health Coach I can't really respond in too personal a way or in too detailed a way to a specific situation in someone's life without knowing more about the situation and that's really what my coaching services are for and where I can take more time with people to address things in much more detail.

I look forward to your questions. I also would ask that members refrain from posting in this topic area as it is designed to be a place where I respond to questions. If there is something in someone's question you'd like to talk about or offer your support around please feel free to start a topic on that particular subject in this area of the message forum.

Thanks!

[monk007]

Dear AJ, my question has to do with rage and identity. Can a person with rage ( actually be splitting ) from the present situation and reverting to the past? Where abuse or neglect hapened. I recentlywent through a rage and feel as though I have two identities. Like Dr. Jeckly and Hyde. Is this a part of BPD? monk

[A.J. Mahari]

Dear AJ, my question has to do with rage and identity. Can a person with rage ( actually be splitting ) from the present situation and reverting to the past? Where abuse or neglect hapened. I recentlywent through a rage and feel as though I have two identities. Like Dr. Jeckly and Hyde. Is this a part of BPD? monk

Hi Monk,

This is often the mechanism of how such feelings of rage from the past get expressed in the here and now by those with BPD. What this involves is dissociation. The degree of dissociation varies from one person with BPD to the next. It is not, in BPD, a case of having two identities. It is a case of dissociating from the present, and re-experiencing past feelings in there here now in what is known as a Repetition Compulsion

This dissociative experience manifests in many different ways, one of which is rage. It usually begins with a trigger back to unresolved past abandonment fear/trauma that is projected out onto others and situations in the here and now when one is experiencing the dysregulated emotions of these triggers. The person with BPD experiencing the dysregulated emotions of these triggers in dissociative ways is not indicative of one having separate personalities but rather is the same person but is a fragmented part of that person in what is the absence of known or stable sense of self.

[monk007]

Thanks AJ; my question now is " how does one get the fragmentedness" whole? I'm still feeling somewhat fragmented in my thinking; and wonder how to feel " peace within ". Is it therapy which would bring stability again or something else?

I've found it difficult to convey my own thoughts about bpd to my group T. She doesn't like looking in the past but is consistantly looking at the present and future; How does this style of therapy help one with bpd?Or does it matter. monk

[Jason]

Hi AJ,

 In my quest for identity, and as I live without one, I sometimes feel like I'm becoming other people. Sometimes, if I'm around people that I don't like, or if I watch a movie or see something on TV that features a character that I don't like, I sometimes start to ask myself, "How I do I know that I'm not him?". It's as if I experience no boundaries at times between me and others. Terrifying, but I know that it is irrational.

 My question is, is it this sort of feeling of immeshment typical for people with BPD, and does it have to do with part of me under the surface craving and identity?

 I'm a pretty high functioning BPD who is in therapy.

Thanks a bunch.

[Analyzing]

I have noticed that I have not gotten any topic reply emails in a long time so came to see if anything's been posted at all and saw this. Now I'm wondering if something is up with AJ as I see she never replied to Monk's last questions here over a month ago (see above)... is the forum being discontinued? I have been really struggling and could use support but it seems there is none here anymore... any thoughts or info anyone?

[Francine]

Hi Analyzing,

The last time I've seen AJ post was in early october, so she must be around.  Sometimes people are away for a while.  I've been recently out of town and I know AJ is very busy.  Try asking your question again and if she doesn't respond well you can contact her yourself.  Don't give up.  Keep the faith.

Francine

[A.J. Mahari]

Thanks AJ; my question now is " how does one get the fragmentedness" whole? I'm still feeling somewhat fragmented in my thinking; and wonder how to feel " peace within ". Is it therapy which would bring stability again or something else?

I've found it difficult to convey my own thoughts about bpd to my group T. She doesn't like looking in the past but is consistantly looking at the present and future; How does this style of therapy help one with bpd?Or does it matter. monk

Hi Monk,

In reference to your post a couple of posts up, I have just been so busy, my apologies but sometimes I don't get here as regularly as I'd like to.

That's a very involved question you've asked for sure. It is one that is at the centre of the process of recovery which can be a long and slow process over time. Patience is important. Every one with BPD does experience some fragmentation in their thinking due to the fact that what is central to BPD - namely abandonment - causes what is referred to by professionals as ego fragmentation. The authentic self of those with BPD is lost to this fragmentation. So at the heart of an unstable identity and lack of known self is fragmentation which also has a lot to do with splitting and thinking and perceiving in cognitively distorted ways. Feeling peace within is something that requires a fair bit of therapy. The goal of that therapy is to establish a connection to one's authentic self. When one has a consistent and congruent sense of authentic self then it is possible to begin to experience, know, and gain safety and comfort with peace within. Yes, therapy is the way to stability, often along with self help, and practicing mindfulness and radical acceptance (within DBT or even more broadly).

Therapy, for many with BPD, often at some point needs to focus on the past and gaining more awareness about what happened in one's past and/or how one was hurt in the past and so forth. However, there does come a time in therapy for each person with BPD when continuing to dig backwards or focus on the past contributes more to staying stuck than it does to moving forward.

So, my answer would be, it depends how much of that digging around in your past for understanding you've already done.

Another reason why therapy often tends to focus on the here and now and then the future is just how much of the here and now can be lost in BPD by what can become an unhealthy focus on the past. People with BPD re-live their pasts over and over through fragmentation, triggers, and dissociation. Therefore, learning to re-focus thoughts, which can bring about change to how one feels aimed at being more in the here and now is the way, ultimately, to continue to heal.

It would be beneficial for you to discuss this with your therapist. Have you focused enough on the past? Is the past still taking you away from the here and now. Ask your T why she wants you to focus more on the here and now.

[A.J. Mahari]

Hi AJ,

 In my quest for identity, and as I live without one, I sometimes feel like I'm becoming other people. Sometimes, if I'm around people that I don't like, or if I watch a movie or see something on TV that features a character that I don't like, I sometimes start to ask myself, "How I do I know that I'm not him?". It's as if I experience no boundaries at times between me and others. Terrifying, but I know that it is irrational.

 My question is, is it this sort of feeling of immeshment typical for people with BPD, and does it have to do with part of me under the surface craving and identity?

 I'm a pretty high functioning BPD who is in therapy.

Thanks a bunch.

Hi Jason,

Actually the experience of having no boundaries between yourself and others is quite common for people with BPD. It does stem out of not having a stable sense of identity. What you describe as enmeshment, may be enmeshment to a point, but it also involves projection and projective identification. When one does not know who one is, there is a natural (to that experience) tendancy to look for "self" in "others", whether those others are in your life or characters on televison.

It's not only a craving for identity but an actual need for identity. I hope that you are talking this over with your therapist. It might help to talk about any themes in those you identify with or try to ascertain your differences as a person from. What you describe can be experienced in different ways by people with BPD. Many with BPD aren't actually as aware of this as you are. Awareness is half the battle. It is a common core feature of BPD in the quest for identity.

[monk007]

Thank You AJ for replying.... your explanation about fragmentation was excellent!! If only my group T could understand as you do about bpd. It has been extremelly difficult to get my T's to listen to information I've given them about bpd. This is such a frustration and anger issue! Grrr. I have told them about your site and other sites with info but neither T has done it. I've finally given up!

Your knowledge is so clear and answers questions I've thought about. I would like to know more but I don't have the finaces to get more info. I'm glad you can answer our questions.

As for asking my T what to focus on; well I think I already know; but I will ask her. In my present therapy I get very her little one to one. I've been suggested to get another T outside of a 5 day aweek program! I prefer one to one but am unable to do 5 times then individual because of health issues. I have RA and anemia which is hard to manage
 




Thanks again AJ I really do appreciate your help.

[Jason]

Hi Aj,

 Thanks for replying to my last post.

 Recently, I've been feeling like I can pick and choose the things that I value. Since I've been in recovery, I guess I've always felt that eventually the things that I value would reveal themselves to me as my identity fleshes out, and I still believe that that is true. However, is it also possible that one can start to build their identity by choosing the things that they believe are important, and is what I'm experiencing a typical phase of BPD recovery? I never used to have enough faith in myself to trust that what I think is important might actually be important until now.

[Soandso]

Hi AJ - 

Would you please comment - I would like to know if your recovery from bpd is a matter of still feeling the excruciating pain and burning emotional responses to everything yet managing with a set of learned responses to the responses OR has the emotional lightning actually calmed and thus you are simply finally different in the world? 

Are you managing the patterns or have the patterns left you? 

Flounderingly,
Dawn

[A.J. Mahari]

Hi AJ -  

Would you please comment - I would like to know if your recovery from bpd is a matter of still feeling the excruciating pain and burning emotional responses to everything yet managing with a set of learned responses to the responses OR has the emotional lightning actually calmed and thus you are simply finally different in the world?  

Are you managing the patterns or have the patterns left you?  

Flounderingly,
Dawn

Hi Dawn,


The emotional lightning was calmed when I recovered 14 years ago. I resolved the issues that needed resolving
and I re-connected with my inner-child which made it possible to re-parent that part of myself. I am different in myself first. Different in the world, secondly as a result of that. The difference is knowing who I am. Being connected to my authentic self. I no longer have the patterns of feeling, thinking, or relating as I did when I had BPD.  

[Soandso]

Thank you, AJ, that's encouraging!

[monk007]

Dear AJ, I would like to ask you a question. The question is: Is there a particular way to treat clients with BPD? From what I've read and experienced from books and treatment from a past therapist, I've found there is a particular way we need to be addressed when angry or in a rage moment. My past therapist use to speak in a calm voice and often had a non expressive face. She said because Borderlines read faces so good, that having no expession kept ( me ) and others from over reacting. AJ, I would like your thoughts on this and if in your own recovery you've found this to be true.   Thanks, Monk