My Experience with BPD

[gavin]

Hello all,

I have BPD, and it is very hard. I have a very high emotional (and normal) IQ, and I can read people's faces and emotions very clearly, so it is very obvious to me how I effect those who I love. I also have a very strong will and strong awareness of my emotional needs, so I can see when my craziness is coming. I have learned to quickly remove myself from the presence of people so that my wrath is not experienced or shared by other people. Because my moods are so strong (and even more because I have experienced the horror of strong moods from my uBPD mother), I am afraid to let loose any of my emotions, so much so that I have even been called stoic as a child and unemotional as an adult (although these labels only came from close others that I would strongly label as BPD: my mother, my best friend, and my student).

It is very hard. Just because I can control the external outpourings of my disorder, does not mean that I can control the inner outpourings. And when I am hide myself away from the masses, I am very alone, and I get even worse, and it takes along time for me to fix myself. During these times I have horrible feelings of abandonment, feelings that I don't provide any value to the world, feelings that I hurt everyone around me, feelings of emptiness, constant anxiety, desire to punish myself, many feelings of suicide ideation, a confusing sense of reality, a disabled sense of identity (I can't find my name on a piece of paper any easier than anyone else's), and just a general feeling of craziness. Having BPD really really sucks. And honestly, it hurts a lot less when I take it out on other people; it is actually somewhat of a release from the crazy feeling. It is a feeling that I am actually doing something, enacting something to try to change things.

So, in effort not to ruin the great things/people/relationships I have in my life, I run home, and close myself in, until it goes away. I use logic to try to work myself through the feelings, first by trying to provide myself with sun, exercise, interaction with humans (usually a trip to home depot where I try to learn something), reminders of examples of my success in the workplace, hugs with my pets, and then when I feel I can control myself again, a talk with a friend, to remind me that I do have friends and try to safely release some of the information. But this process can take a lot of time, and people can feel that I drop away from them for a while. (This process can take anywhere from a few days to several months.)

I have been in therapy for eight years now, and there are times when it is better, but it is always hard. Stress makes it much worse, and my life has been unreasonably stressful the last few years, causing somewhat of a relapse from some of the progress I felt I had made. I have not been 'officially' diagnosed, because I am not sure if the label will help me, and the label does not feel particularly important (the label does provide comfort in knowing that there are others like me, but it also provides an excuse and fear that what I have is uncurable). She and I do agree strongly, however, that I was brought up in a strongly-BPD-formulated household, and that I either suffer from BPD or PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) or both, but probably BPD. I have recently started medication (the past year or so), but so far none of the medications have worked consistently. I have just started a new mix (zoloft and wellbutrin), which I have hope in, but I have to be prepared that it might not.

I have fantastic significant other (9 months now, but we have been friends for 2.5 years). But he feels hurt when I withdraw myself and don't share my emotions with him, but whenever I try to turn them on (even lightly), it immediately causes crazy chaos in the relationship, and he starts pulling away, and I felt very abandoned, and the common cycle continues. He, of course, as everyone, is imperfect too, and can also be overly emotional at times (which is actually tremendously freeing), and so I have to learn how I react to his emotions as well. I have since put back the reigns on my emotions, and we are close, yet reserved, but I very much want to be close with him and share without driving him away. (He very much feels it when I am reserved with him.) He is very wonderful and very important to me. I am afraid. I have not yet shared my disorder with him because I am afraid he will read about how horrible I can be, and that I am uncurable, and that he will not want to be with me, because I will make a horrible mother.

I very much want kids. But I have put it off for a long time, in hopes to first figure out how to completely control my emotions. I am so afraid to be like my mother. I am so afraid that I will do something to cause a disorder in my own child. So far, I have always been considered amazing with kids (I think I relate to them better), but I am very afraid of 'the turn'. I am afraid that I won't have the opportunity to shield myself from my child until the feeling goes away. I feel and fear so much that anyone knowing that I have BPD will just say, "No, you cannot have kids. Don't do anything that could possibly continue the spread of this disorder. You are now tainted. You would just abuse your child." And that just plunges me down into my abyss of self-worthlessness. I very much want to have a calm and happy home life, with a spouse and kids. I want to be loved. And even more I want to love. My family (all-BPD) are very dangerous people to love and let be loved by closely; it is better to do so from afar.

I feel like I take life very slowly, and very step by step.

Things are okay right now, and seem to be improving, but I know they can spiral downwards lightning fast for me.
The hope is that maybe, just maybe, I could take advantage of this calm period in my life to form a support group, external to my loved ones, that could help me get past these events quicker, so I can get back to my (responsibly) emotional life, and get to the point where I could have and raise an emotionally healthy family.

I am trying to change...
And that it why I decided to try to come here, and introduce myself to you all.

Sincerely,
Scared, but Trying,
Gavin

[no_halo]

gavin,

i hope you are well, and welcome! i want you to know that this is a safe place to speak about your struggles. i hope to interact more regarding what you may be dealing with, and i look forward to hearing your insight and perspective.

be well,

nh

[hangingon]

Gavin, I am new here as well, and i agree 100% with all you have written, i wish i could be so open, i have become so closed off i can barely put enough words together to get a sentence as to how i am feeling, I want to touch on one thing you have said, having children, I have a son, he will be 15 next month, i was only diagnosed last October, also with PTSD (I have had a rough 6 months, car accident, 2 robberies at gunpoint-i work in a bank, as well as being threatened by a man i thought loved me) my son is the one thing in this life I have not messed up, he is an amazing child, we have a great relationship (not the hey i am your best friend kind- the i am your mom)... I dont believe BPD effects everything, it is relational, totally, but my son is not a part of the mess that is with everyone else... I am not saying go out and have a baby, I am just saying do not be so hard on yourself in that regard, everyone on this earth has some issue, we just know ours, and we can eventually heal it, i believe, God i hope, so we stop the madness that we have endured up to now....

[gavin]

Thank you hanginon and no_halo, for the welcome.

Hanginon,  

Wow. That sounds like you have had a tough time lately. My god. If I were you, I would hide in bed under my covers for a week and not come out.  How did you get through all of those horrible incidents???

That is very hopeful that you have such a great relationship with your son.  I have been doing so many things to prove to myself that it will be okay. I did 'Everybody Wins' and 'Junior Achievement' for three years, and I am now a Big Sister in Big Brother Big Sisters.  And everything goes very well; I am good at setting boundaries there. But it is hard, because I do wish for a child of my own. It all seems so fleeting.  I am just so scared because of my childhood emotional abuse.

Was the PTSD from your childhood? I have been working a lot to figure out how I feel.  It is hard, because most of the emotional abuse from my childhood comes from my mother, and we are close ad chat several times a week.  I have tried to talk to her about it in the past (big moment for me), but she just told me to grow up and that I was too old to blame others for things in my life, and that I needed to take responsibility for my own life.  She is absolutely right.  But I still really wanted to process the stuff she did to me.  It is hard for us to be close while at the same time there is a big hole where childhood trust should be.  I have recently decided she is who she is, and I will take her as she is now, not then, and deal with her as best for me.  It is hard, because I still don't have a 'mother'.

 -Gavin

[hangingon]

hey Gavin, wow... how did I get through? ummm thats hard to answer, I still am trying to get through... I have closed off from friends and family again, not as much as before, I have a great therapist, but they can only do so much.. I think my son is a huge drive, I dont want him to hurt like this, I dont want him to be 34 and just figuring out that up until now your life has not been yours, its been what everyone else wanted you to be.. Or that so much of the bad was caused by choices made out of fear, fear of being alone, fear of failing, not being good enough. It is soooo hard, right now I am struggling very much, its alot like one step forward and 5 back..     I spend alot of time alone, while i reflect, see what i am learning, testing who i really am, being "me" regardless of what others may think or want from me. That is very hard. At times, to me, it feels as though i am letting them down. But in truth, i guess i am doing what i have needed to do for years, what is right for me. At the moment it consists of being alone. sucks, and its scary, but i am losing the ability to "pretend" in front of others.. I dont know if any of that makes sense?

Its as if for the past 9 months, i am hell bent to heal, but am being tested beyond comprehension, right now, i have thrown my hands up, not necessarily in defeat, but more saying "WHAT? WHY? Can i have a break?"  

I see on here so many that are struggling for years, I cant do that, I just cant, isnt there more to life then to let someone elses selfish sick choices ruin my life forever??  
But that is the crossroad, how do you do that, how do you walk away from them, say i have had enough and walk? So i guess in answer, I am here because i need guidance from others that have been here, at this place, just stuck...

[gavin]

Hanginon,

A lot of what you say rings true for me.  I also have found myself closed off from friends and family.  From family because they are BPD and intensely bad for me.  From friends because I don't want to be overly needy of them, nor do I want to pretend too much.  I have also found myself less able to pretend, and now, people are trying to get me to change back.  My ex-boyfriend says that he preferred me better before, and can't understand why I would want to be less trying to get along with people. I try to explain to him that otherwise I hold too much inside and am not myself, but he did everything in his power to get me back to the way I was.  Right now, I am trying to learn how to interact with people with boundaries, trying to be myself, but to make the interactions short and light, to ease into it, so to say.  But I know that I need social outlets in order to survive. Speaking of which, I am off to coffee with a friend.

I am so impressed with all you are handling right now.  

Best,
-Gavin

[monk007]

Hello Gavin, oh how you sound a lot like me. I see the similarities . I would like to say that I use to think BPD was incourable; however, I do believe once you can get to know DBT and skills you may see light at the end of the tunne I've been in group for about 9 months. My first 2 months I was learning just to " get into the group room "!! I was am still comfortable with individual therapy.
  my current experience is that group can be supportive when one feels united with the group which I don't feel. I've been "popping off" at people and situations and impulses are difficult with some members. I think I need to refresh my mind on the skills again .
  family wise I'm single and my family knows just a little about bpd and how it effects me. I too think I have members in my family with bpd but it will never be discussed. They like some in society have a stigma against people with mental issues.
   I'm glad you've found this site I do like it as well. The only draw back is folks tend to get quite and this drives me nutts. But I can't control others only me  monk