How do you handle your Rage when its at your therapist???

[no_halo]

aloneagain,

i'm so sorry to hear you had to deal with such a traumatic experience. i can't imagine what you were feeling or experiencing at that time, but i want you to know that i'm glad you have stayed strong regardless the INTENSE trauma of such an experience. i'm glad to hear that you have been able to keep the buisness running to support yourself. that is an amazing accopmlishment considering what you had to deal with.

i have a question... i now live with my family, and, like i said, used to live with my exgf, used to have a roommate, then following that, while living alone for those months, i considered myself a recluse, a hermit...one of my best skills has become shutting down and detaching regardless other peoples in my environment; therefore, i've always considered myself quite capable of living in a situation much like yours, where i didn't see or talk to people for weeks, months (or longer) at a time. what is that like? where do you focus? do you meditate? do you walk? have you read Thoreau? thomas merton? tolstoy? do you paint? have animal friends?

i hope you keep working your (DBT) workbooks. the mindfulness excercises were based on many spiritual practices that promote a healthy and deliberate awareness of the present moment. i've experienced moments in my extreme isolation where my environment seems to begin breathing in strangely rhythmic ways. for brief moments, i feel connected and not empty and detached. this may seem superficial and insensitive, but i actually envy the space you have. it seems like the perfect place to explore the true individual self. maybe looking at it that way can help. if you are living an isolated life, and are dealing with these BPD issues, i really thik that there are some writers who live/lived in solitude who could really shine brightly for you situation. oh oh...simone weil!

also, i'm doing okay. 
it is what it is! moment by moment!

[Analyzing]

AA, wow, I can't imagine what you went through... that is my absolute worst fear - that something happens to my partner... and you lived through it. Good for you. If you can get through that, you can get through anything, right?

[AloneAgain]

Thanks for the responses.  No, I guess I should meditate but I don't.  I spend far too much time on line or on the computer in general.  I also do an amazing amount of exercise.  The exercise and the meds are really making a difference.  And the DBT workbooks are also helping.

I had never been alone in my life.  I had my oldest son at the extremely young age of 21 ... so from that time on ... I always had company and my hands full.  When my husband died ... the year after my youngest son graduated from college ... I was really alone for the first time in my life. 

I had no idea how to deal with it, and made many, many mistakes along the way. I'm getting more comfortable being alone now and honestly, I don't think I will ever recover from BPD until I learn to understand that I can be my own best company and to get past that fear of being abandoned.   

[monk007]

Well...I need a place to vent! I am upset with my therapist ; I know the next step would be to talk to her but I feel she is constantly on my case. I tried useing some skills when I was triggered by another group member but was basically ignored and laughed at by another group member today. I feel as though I'm the " bad one " or the one constantly being told I'm doing something wrong. I'm losing faith in therapy and my therapist. I try to use the skills but am so " implused" to respond in a rage. I just shut down and shut up unheard as a child. I don't know if my therapist knows how this upsets me and causes such a rage within me. I sooo want to QUIT therapy just to get at my therapist. I'm impluses are increasing and I feel more desire to rage out!  sorry...I'm angry. monk

[AloneAgain]

You've come to the right place to vent.  So what specifically set off those impulses this time?  What did you say/do that had someone laughing at you?  What are they saying you are constantly doing wrong? 

[Francine]

Hi Mook,

I've not had the time to introduce myself yet.  I'm Francine and I've had BPD for 6 yrs now.  Thanks to DBT and skills group, I'm learning how to control my impulses, urges and like to be alone.  I couldn't before, I had a hard time at it and it always took a sitter when my husband was away.  My response to your post, as I speak of my own personal experience, when you r angry at your therapist you must sit down and talk to her and be as honest as you can be.  This can be very hard if you have abandonment issues.  If using the skills doesn't work for u, get straight to the point and also mention how u feel in group as this is a very important part of your recovery.  I'm sure if u address the problem, being a therapist who works with DBT will understand and not judge you, eventhough you feel like it.  Ask her what can you do to make things better?  Or what steps could u undertake to prevent from this happening again?  I don't think you'll get very far in recovery if u don't trust your therapist, cause the therapist is the center of u getter better and the support u desperately need in order to move on.   I would try it.  Say to yourself u have nothing to loose.  I wish u the best of luck, give yourself another chance and keep the faith.

Francine

[monk007]

What set me off today is another older man who is rather loud and frequently sounds off like a "wolf"when he gets excited. He goes by the name animal. When he's excited he's constantly repeating his words and is just loud; needless to say the wolf sounds are irritating. Well, when I got on the van I asked nicely if he animal could tone down the volume. He said; sorry ok. A minute later he continued the previous behavior repeating questions, cracking jokes, and sounding like a wolf. Now I did mention to him the volume was hurting my ears. I've been experiencing sesitivity to sound lately. It seemed as if I asked nothing.

At this pointed I was trying to just tune him out. When I reached the group room animal continued to be obnoxious. This was grating on my ears and nerves. I just got quite. When group began when it was my turn I thought of what my T said, talk to him about it. I began to do so gently and He began to say " he can't handle it, that's the way he is". Every attempt I made to voice my feeling He tryed to vent his point I said, I can't say anything because he won't listen. Then his friend, begins to laugh. I said " I guess you find this funny". I then walked out of group. I went cool off.

Later, after lunch; which I didn't eat because I wasn't calm enough. The director who is my therapist came in both groups. Animal tells her "I'm always on his case for being loud!" I have never spoken to him concerning his being loud! I said out loud it was a lie. My T said use I language and address him; I did and told of the previous expisodes earlier. She my T began to say I was not using my skills right ( she later told me my tone was negative and defensive ). She appeared to side with animal and used me as an example for how I previously would act with rages by hitting things. I felt like the "bad child" just like my mother was scolding me.

All these thoughts came up or was triggered by a program on TV. I slapped myself with both hands 4 times! I wanted to cut too but my T said I would go into the hospital. I wanted to just break something! Often I turn my rages on myself because I can't get the skills. My impulses are high, and I have thought about overdosing. Just to end this confusion and anger at my T.

I have since talked with her but I'm still not happy. I'm the bad one now others stand away from me because they know I have issues with anger. I see the fear in there eyes yet I've never raged in group just walked out angry; it's just that my T told everyone I have anger issues. ( I'm crying now ) I don't know how to handle me anymore...tears. I feel like an outsider. monk?

[Francine]

Sorry for spelling your name wrong. I'm sorry for what is happening to u and what it is doing to u.  I know u have good intentions but sometimes with other people with a mental illness, they don't see it at all.  I'm not in your shoes but it must hurt alot to deal with people like them and be criticized when u haven't done nothing wrong but just want to express your feelings and opinions.  I would give myself credit for what you do because you try and do use your skills, maybe not all in the right way, not even me can do that, but you want to work on yourself and that takes alot from someone with BPD.  That's why I say they don't understand.  But you must not quite because of others.  You can conquer anything that comes your way and become the winner on the long run.  Don't pay attention to what others say or think, you deserve better than that and you will acheive your goals not matter what.  But u have to want to help yourself.  I know it's not easy, but when u get a little better things will bother u less and you'll be able to move on and stay on track.  Please don't quite and don't give up.  If u do, u let them win.

Francine

[no_halo]

(i originally posted this response in the wrong thread...sorry.)

monk,

remember to radically accept. the situation exists across many different planes. you are doing a wonderful job. remember that the noise isn't something someone else may be doing specifically to you, but a sensitivity you might be experiencing. he is acting out and may not know another way of coping. allow him that for his own recovery, and release yourself from it. don't be dragged in monk. you are dealing with more personal and important issues than someone howling at the air.

do you ever get that eruptive feeling in your stomach?
if you do, and when it comes,
sit down and acknowledge it, don't react to it.
look at it as if it were an object in front of you.

monk, your feelings are so important, and i'm glad you are sharing them; however, nobody else can save you from this experience. accept it and be strengthened by the experience. look at it, breathe it, own it, and live it. keep being strong monk, because you are stronger than you realize.

[AloneAgain]

Monk,

I feel for you.  I know if someone were annoying the dickens out of me ... and then when I asked him to stop someone else laughed at me ... sure I would be angry.

But to add to the excellent suggestions already posted, one thing I'm trying to learn to live by is "never take it personally."  That's really difficult for us BPD folks, but I agree with no halo ... someone howling at the air may have had little to do with you and everything to do with the way he's dealing with his own illness.  And maybe the other guy wasn't laughing at you at all ... maybe the howling was making him nervous and maybe he has a problem with nervous laughter.  Probably not, but that's how I'm trying to mentally and emotionally learn to deal with annoying people.

To help me along with my journey, I've been reading a great book I found on Amazon called "The Four Agreements."  Doesn't deal with BPD at all but with life skills we all could learn.  One of the agreements you must make with yourself is to never allow someone else to control your world by taking matters personally.  It's difficult but if you can learn to do that, it may help.

[monk007]

 Thank You so much for supporting me; (alone again )?.

Today I returned to group dispite how I was feeling; my stomach is still healing from I think a virus. I did well with ignoreing animal; although I was still very sesitive to him.

I wish I could say I radically accepted how he is but unfortunately I'm not there yet?. I'm sure everyone who has bpd knows how difficult it is to just ( accept ) but to radically accept is a bit much to swallow. I found myself mummbling under my breath how much I disliked animal. His presence is like the (chalk board ) and fingernails!!! He so full of ______! I'll let you fill in the blank?.

I'm really struggling with impulses I often have to zip my lip! I've done it at least 4 times today at group. My T has noticed my irritableness and I think I may know why I'm so edgy. Like I said in a previous post my T has said she realizes she has had time for me. She has been somewhat pushing me to use my skills because I only have 3 more months in this program. It's a 6 month program. Well, I'm beginning to feel abandonment issues. I'm afraid of losing her. I know I'm not ready; and I have so much to work through. I feel pressure to succeed and pressure to get things right; which I'm trying to do but get scolded for some reason; which repeats what my mother did. At times it feels like someone attempting to put a gallon of water in a pint size bottle. My anxiety to respond to situations causes just a quick "flipant" response. It's hard to just stop and think about all the skills. I'm also defensive because of being taken advantage of as a child and I often just react and don't things through. So typical of bpd. I wish I had better impulse control; I'm on meds for this but lately it's been very difficult. I have and always have had such contempt for myself and haven't been able to accept the good in me?. I need prayer here?. Lastly, I told my T I needed to take one day at a time. monk

[monk007]

Please see I meant "my therapist hasn't had time for me". She's the program director and she's real busy.  And by the way if any questions the ? Marks it's because this system doesn't accept my simley faces from my iPod. monk