Oh I guess you can see Im struggling with this today. In an evaluation by a therapist I was written up as "reluctant to talk about personal issues!" I was very upset by this.
I feel I have made progress in group therapy....I was most comfortable in individual therapy but this is what being offered and so I believe Im doing my best. However; one therapist doesnt believe me. How does others deal with their anger or rage when its directed at their therapist?? I flew off the handle, and am still upset. Infact; I self harmed when i got home dispite talking to my personal (individual therapist). I didnt slf soothe either I was just mad! At times I just want to "drop out" of group! I feel no one really understands me or the true issues of people with BPD. Does anyone else feel this way?? Or how do you handle the anger issues with therapy? monk
When I was in therapy during my recovery many years ago I felt as you describe many times. What I learned, however, was that each and every time I was angry with a therapist it was important to be honest and to talk about it and to work it through with integrity and without punishing or blaming the therapist. It is important to take personal responsibility for one's own anger and any and all consequences of it.
The angrier I got in therapy and the more I had to struggle with not acting that out or just bolting from therapy, actually, the more I learned about my (at that time) lost self and the more I learned about relating in healthy ways. I learned about how others are separate from me and how they have a right to talk about what they want or not and that whether it would feel fair or "right" to me wasn't important. My anger and frustration, in therapy, all those years ago, was still a defense against all the pain I had to become more aware of, endure, grieve and let go in order to recover. I learned from my anger that it is okay to feel what one feels but that everything one feels is not how others feel and that others can't "always" understand someone else's pain and that they are not responsible for the other person's pain and they don't have the other person's answers either. I learned from working so hard to not rupture the relationships I had with the therapists in the group therapy where I recovered from BPD that anger is healthy and that what matters most about it isn't feeling it or not but what one chooses to do with it when one feels it.
It is important to also know that when things don't feel "fair" or you don't feel "heard" "validated" or "understood" that is NOT abandonment - it is NOT betrayal - it is just someone else being who they are - thinking what they think from where they are sitting - it is just a difference between two people. People with BPD must work hard not to "fuse" with other - especially a therapist and then expect (in a cognitively distorted way) that the therapist will see things as you do all the time.
Be thankful for what angers you and work to understand it more and become more aware of the triggers it contains. Learning to break down the defensive walls of anger is a very important part of recovery.