Connection Between Self Harm and The Lost Self in BPD?

[A.J. Mahari]

I just added a new episode in my BPD Inside Out Audio Podcast today (Jan4/09) about Self Harm in Borderline Personality Disorder. If you want to listen to it please Click Here It's a free podcast and you can subscribe to it through itunes from the page above on my site where you can listen to it.

Whether you listen to the podcast episode about self harm in BPD or not - it might give you some hints about my question here though  - my question here for you to hopefully think about and give your thoughts on here is:

What do you think the connection is between self harm and the lost self in BPD? Is there one? Can you give an experience in your life that you now realize has to do with self harm that resulted, in part, at least, out of not knowing who you are? From the reality of living with BPD without a known sense of self?

[pushing50]

Hi A.J.

Thanks for making and uploading your podcssts. My nephew gave me one of his old iPods for Xmas, so I was able to download them.
As for the question posed here, I think most of the things you say in the podcast are true for me.

I have only physically hurt myself twice in the last six months, but on each occasion I gave in to the urge, after several days of fighting it, with the thought "this doesn't really hurt anyone, so what is the big deal anyhow?"

In thinking about the general pattern of my behaviour, which has included substance abuse, unsafe and degrading sexual encounters, anorexia, and cutting, I can now see that it has almost always been some kind of effort to not feel the reality of my life. To keep the emotions of my 'real' self out of my awareness. I am indeed quite afraid of those emotions.

A very small example of a moment of them emerging without warning occurred just last night while I was watching a DVD. In it, a man was afraid he was going to be hit by somone and he ended up on the floor with his arms raised to protect himself, saying "just please don't hit me" over and over. Then someone helped him up and said "no-one is going to hit you." This triggered some kind of physical reaction in me, like a wave of some sort passing over me, and then I burst into hard sobs. Once I had myself back under control, which took only a minute or so, I was left wondering what the hell that was about. I don't have an actual memory to associate with such an outburst. Why do I feel like that was a very familiar situation? How is it that I don't know that I have feelings like that living inside me? Basically, who the hell am I?

Anyhow, the other way that self-harm seems related to not knowing who I am is in the fact that I sometimes cannot maintain a committment not to do this. The me who is determined to recover and be well is not always the me who seems to be running my life. I guess it is like you say in one of your podcasts, I have no sense of consistency of who I am. This makes it hard to keep commitments. Sometimes I care and sometimes I don't.

Another thing is that my lack of self expresses itself mostly in the form of compliance. I am always looking for what is required of me and then I do that. But, and I am beginning to see how this is a form of extreme immaturity, this leads to some kind of pressure inside me to do bad things. Things I know I shouldn't do. And to do them in secret. So I haven't told my therapist about the last two times I hurt myself. And I haven't told anyone about stealing pills from someone's medicine chest recently. Somehow, these actions confirm who I believe I am. A bad person of some sort, who gets really tired of always being good. Something like that. It is all quite confusing, and when I really think about it all like this, I can see how really disturbed I am.

But most of thetime I don't think about things this carefully. I just go through life acting normal, doing what I think normal people do. But none of it has anything to do with me. Small wonder I feel so alienated and empty sometimes.

And finally, sometimes hurting myself is simply a way to get myself to feel something. Feeling nothing is also an aspect of not having a self I think, or not knowing who that self is, or being so dissociated from it or something. And somehow, there is a kind of panic associated with this kind of feeling nothing. It is like being dead somehow. So hurting myself reminds me that I am alive and can feel pain, that I do exist.

Well, thanks for the opportunity to reflect on all of this. I can see that I need to bring my therapist up to date, although I am afraid she will be angry with me, especialy for keeping secrets...but I guess facing the consequences of my behaviour is a necessary part of growing up and into a real person...

[monk007]

Hello, I'm new here and am doing my first reply(: I wish that I could put my thoughts so nicely together as you have.I was just recently dx with bpd and I'm still learning. I have just started to self harm; not cutting but through using a rubberband on my wrist. When I get in a rage I snap it hard. It usually leaves some red marks. I'm just trying to understand why I have this need to hit with my fist. This is a mystery to me. I'm getting frustrated and anxious when I'm writi g this. I want to know more but am learning slowly. I am in therapy but also in transition as well. I'm feeling kinda lost too! Ugh! Too much right now gtg. Monk007

[MissKate]

The connection, from my perspective, comes from the lack of self-worth/love when an authentic Self does not exist; my physical body had no value. Additionally, for me, it became a "lesser of two evils" manifestation of my desperate need to quell the psychological pain. In those moments, with the water boiling over everywhere, I knew I was an alcoholic and didn't want to drink. I knew I didn't want to take a drug. I knew if I sought sex, I would endanger my reputation (as a prominent businesswoman in a small town). The remaining idea of taking a razor to my thighs, which would not be seen clothed, was an "option". In present times, it saddens me to see all the scars, but I remember to stop and reverse perspective, realizing they are but battle wounds of a war I have fought bravely and with perseverance.

[monk007]

   I'm not doing to well; I'm all mixed up with the lost child within me. I've been depressed and thinking of ideations of harming myself?. The physical pain of arthritis has me very frustrated and deeply concidering if it's all worth it. Often my pain has been no less then a 5 out of 10. Sometimes it's been higher as well; the constant pill popping and pain is so hard right now. My issues of BPD are on the other side of the spectrum. I can't seem to handle both?.
My inner child told me when I asked her why she was angry she said " I WANT MY MOTHER!!! SHE WONT FIGHT FOR ME! " I asked my T who was the mother? She said I was. She said my inner child wants to live. Though the adult doesn't because of the pain in my body and mind. I'm soooo mixed up and must make a decision which only I can do. I'm not sure how to fight; I'm tired of the pain and confusion?. monk

[Analyzing]

Hi Monk,
I just spent the last 2 days very mixed as well and having ideations about ending everything... I cried so much the past 2 days and my bf asked me why I am so sad... I told him the 2 reasons I know of: the 1st is that my parents have abandoned me (I am almost 40, so why should this hurt so much?) and refuse to even talk to me about any of the issues between us, and the 2nd is that my relationship with my bf is not what it used to be (after almost 14 years).

I don't know what to do about either, and being so sad is tiring...

I hope you are feeling better. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone and I understand how you feel. I guess we all do here. But when you're in the middle of it, it sure feels lonely.

[monk007]

  Thanks for reponding. I'm still fighting...in away. I discussed issues with my T and she asked me to write  2 letters, one to my inner child and one from my inner child. The first letter my inner child wanted her mother (me). The second letter my inner child hated my and wished I was dead.?This really hit me to the core. I believe I understand what's meant by the core of abandonment. It so hurt! I was up at 2:00am crying my eyes out; feeling rejected and hurt.? Im still dealing with the pain. I'm getting moments of deep sadness and just cry. My T said I must grieve and start soothing and loving my inner child because she wants to live and feel beautiful. It seems like an up hill battle but I am willing to fight?.
  I could have ended my life last night when I felt this core pain but I didn't. I did think about it but chose not to. Instead I just cried. My T said she was glad I didn't choose to end my life. She does see progress and I do too! It is hard dealing with BPD many don't understand us. Sometimes I don't understand me either??! I have walk with faith in my God and walk with my T through this process of healing. I hope you can see the beauty of your inner child and radically accept her as I'm trying to do?. monk

[Analyzing]

Hi Monk,

It's good you are starting to make sense of things. And really good you did not end things but struggled through the pain. That connection between the lost self and self-harm is strong...

For me, I don't get the whole inner child concept really. I have read about it, but it sounds silly to me. I did not abandon my inner child; she was crushed by Life.

Yesterday I got a copy of Dr. Phil's book Self Matters. I read the 1st 2 chapters last night and I think it is going to be just what I need to find my lost self, my authentic self. I realized, finally, after reading just 2 chapters who I used to be, who I was before Life damaged me and made me angry and sad and insecure.

[monk007]

  hi analyzing?, I'm really trying to make sense of all the things that are associated with bpd. I've read a fair amount of info, but my newest quest is to understand the core of abandonment. I might check out AJ's audios for greater understanding. It amazing the inner voice of my "child" comes very clearly. It's the visuals I have trouble with.

Sometimes I also feel like I'm taking steps forward; then 2 steps backwards.? I guess I'm learning because I haven't hit in the last 2 weeks?! My fist may ball up but I don't hit; my T says it's progress. Say; do you have family involved in your recovery? My twin knows I'm in therapy but does ask much about the bpd. My T thinks they should be involved and I'm resisting this. I know i'm the only one who can help me with this issue; and of course God. I'm also a very private person?. Do you think family should be included? Any ideas??? I'm aslo using a diary sheet with the DBT, I have found it helps me to stay focused.

Lastly, I find reading books somewhat tedious?. I'm glad Dr. Phil can assist you. Hey do you get a lot out of pychcentral? Most don't communicate with me anymore so I'll say here for support. Thanks again monk

[Analyzing]

No, I don't have family involved. My biggest anger issues are my family. My parents no longer speak to me and my half sister and step sister don't speak to me either. My family all live in another country as well, so except for my boyfriend I am alone in this. I have tried to involve a few friends but they are too wrapped up in their own lives to bother much with me and mine. It's a big issue of sadness for me as well. If I lost my bf I would have absolutely nobody left to lean on. This causes big abandonment fear. I haven't done much with the other site - I have been so frazzled I just can't keep focused and spend a lot of time just trying to relax and watching TV to forget my mind's woes. I think you are right though, that if you have a close family member whom you can trust, having them involved is important. I wish I had that. I am glad to hear you haven't been hitting yourself... that is a huge step I think. *thumbs up to you*

[monk007]

I'm feeling anxious now. I've always avoided issues with sex and today after chatting with a group member I found myself feeling " elated & gitty". I was so excited I shared this with my T. She said enjoy the experience. In a matter of minutes I did a 180!!! I begain to beat myself up mentally. I wanted to HIT! I felt vulnerable and also " dirty". I called my T and told her what happen. She said these are " old thoughts" and try not. To entertain them.

I also wrote my thoughts and realied they all lead to me being uncomfortable with intimacy. Intimacy means " pain " to me. This is how far I got.
This leads to me not really knowing myself. I don't know how to Enjoy because of it's association with pain. Of course the pain is sexually. Mentally it's extremelly difficult to deal with.

Could my "unknown self" really want Joy? Happiness? Why can't I reach the other side or hidden side of myself?? Is this all to do with the lost self in BPD?? Help, monk