I'm currently struggling with.... self-love, self-esteem.... how to
stop hating myself. I've been wrestling with this issue all of my
life, of course.... but especially intensely, the last several weeks
or so. Right now, I'm losing the fight, and rather badly so.... let
me explain how I see it, where I'm stuck with it.... and maybe some
of you can spot the flaw in my argument, the "way out" I've missed.
It goes like this....
There's no such thing as unconditional love. Certainly, love is
tolerant and patient with flaws and troubles.... but in the face of
a great amount of inappropriate and unpleasant behavior, one does
find the limits on love. For example, we wouldn't advise a friend
to stick with an abusive partner forever. At some point, it's right
to say to our friend, "that person is *not* worth it!"
But what does one do if they *are* the abusive partner in that last
example? That's where I find myself, right now. I know my behavior
towards my friends and loved ones has been horrible.... I'm working
on fixing it, but that's a slow process.... and in the meantime, I
continue being (emotionally) abusive to others. They pretty clearly
don't believe I'm worthy of their love, and have demonstrated that
in any number of ways. And I can entirely understand their feelings!
I know what I've done to them.
So why should my conditions for loving myself be any different? If
others have valid reasons to stop loving me, and if I agree that
those reasons do indeed make me pretty unlovable.... what else can
I think? I can't see loving myself unconditionally.... why should
I have no standards for loving myself, no limits on loving myself,
when such standards and limits are a normal part of the way that I
and others love? Why should I give myself different standards....
easier standards?
And if there are conditions on my love for myself, then I've got to
accept it when I'm failing to meet those conditions.
For those who've been abused by someone they loved.... how do you
react to the idea of your abuser feeling love for himself/herself?
Does *everybody* deserve to love themselves?
Barbara
Kelly responds to Barbara:
I can't give you any answers to the subject of love or self-love.
I just wanted...needed...to let you know that I feel exactly the same
way. You put it so well...I never
had words to explain it before and now you've given them to me.
I don't know how to work this out because I don't think you're horrible enough
to give up on ever loving yourself, but I understand those
feelings...I'm the same way...I am horrible and I know that...how can
I love me? I hate people who have hurt those I love, I have no
forgiveness for them ('course, if they hurt me I don't really care and
forgiveness is easy). No one has hurt the ones I love more than I, so
why should I make an exception for me? I shouldn't. So now what do
we do?
Kelly
One of the symptoms of BPD is an intense feeling that
something is wrong with us, we are just bad, or something. For years I
worked on, and was diagnosed with, depression (and I didn't get far).
But depression was just a symptom - of the feeling that something was
innately, permanently wrong with me. I didn't realize it as that until I
came upon the BPD profile on the web and then I said "That's me!" When I
came upon that, I realized what I was dealing with - not the truth about
myself but a *symptom.*
Now I can tell myself I am subject to a symptom when those feelings come
up, not the truth. It helps.
Yes, been there! We have to love and forgive ourselves first, I believe. We
are the way we are for reasons. Those reasons shouldn't be a crutch or
excuse to continue on abusing. But we must be gentle with and soothe
ourselves, knowing we haven't wanted to hurt anybody - we were just doing
the only thing we knew how. And now we are trying to learn/do better. Plus:
it's always a give and take. The friends and loved ones aren't perfect,
either. And part of being a friend or loved one is coping through the shit.
That is how the most meaningful friendships come about. Maybe people will
need to take a break from you (that happened with me) but they'll come back
(that also happened with me).
YOU know the whole story: your history, your biology, your thought
processes. You are an obviously intelligent person. If you love yourself
unconditionally, if you STAND BY YOURSELF, you will be doing what you need
to be doing to take care of yourself. That is reason enough for you to
value yourself. Also, it's not about rationalizing: YOU DESERVE TO HAVE
SELF-ESTEEM.
Honesty about past wrongs is a good place to begin developing self-esteem.
A lot of people find self-esteem, paradoxically, when they hit bottom. It
happened to me when I was using drugs, unemployed, and felt like a pariah
on humanity, that which should be abolished - e.g., suicidal. Then
something clicked. Faith helps - not necessarily faith in god but faith in
*your* higher self.
In answer to your question, I believe yes, yes, yes and yes! The idea that
you are bad is a BPD symptom, not the truth!
Jillian
I don't see love as the same thing as tolerating inappropriate behavior-
in self or in another human being. I can love someone who is abusive
and still need to protect myself by creating distance, by setting
limits, by giving feedback and by saying no. However, the person is
still seperate from their behavior. I can love the person and not
tolerate the behavior.
With myself - I can love and accept myself and still know that the
behavior is totally inappropriate. When I can "own" my own
inappropriate behavior and manage it then my self esteem increases.
For example -when I can tell a friend that I am walking around angry and
that I would love to see them but if I get in a snit I will need to
leave then it increases my self esteem. Sometimes I can - sometimes I
can't.
I am learning to appreciate it when someone sets limits to protect
themselves - it keeps the relationship from eventually ending. I am
learning to appreciate it when I set limits on myself.
RM
Self love.....WOW..... I think I am stuck there too. No self love.
I cant figure that out. I never thought about it till last year when I started
Therapy. I never realized that I hated my self. I never thought
about "the Self" I always just shut out things. Never felt like a
real person. always something missing....always empty. I wish I
could find a reason to love or just simply accept myself. That is
what I am battleing with currently. Will I ever feel better? Will
I ever like myself? Will I ever be?
?????????
Amy
What is it inside you that says "I AM bad", because I beg to
disagree with that. I don't believe that anyone is inherently
"bad". Yes, there are some assholes out there...I agree!
Where did you learn (because it HAD to be learned) that
you are bad? ... you are BP...that doesn't make you a bad
person. I see a wealth of goodness, love, and value in you.
That doesn't mean that you have to see that, or believe that,
but once you start thinking "I AM bad", you leave yourself with
NO room for growth....
Shelly
Weight Issues/Eating
