Abandonment is the crucial issue for me. I'm afraid I'm completely alone
now and always will be. This is always what's behind my suicidal
ideation. I guess it's because I was "abandoned" by both my parents.
When very young I was extremely close with my mom, then, and I don't
know how or why, I never told her anything about the real me and didn't
expect anything from her in terms of the empathy and support one should
get from a mother. Then, after screaming and crying at my father to do
_something_ about my mom and her semi-psychotic episodes, he said our
job was to keep mom calm and ok, whatever it took. So me and my sister
had to accept her "reality" and our feelings, and our selves, were just
thrown away.
I have a tendency to always fear that everyone is going to leave me,
especially if they get to know the real depressed and empty me, and that
I have to stop caring about them first so I won't hurt so bad when they
go (never works)
anita
Since I was a teen, though, I've been afraid of people abandoning me. It
raged into full terror by the time I was about 20 and now it consumes
me. I have no idea where this terror comes from. I've had friends leave
me, but I pushed them away. I get so afraid of being abandoned that I do
stuff to make others leave me--then I'm the one who has the control of
the situation and it's my fault...I can't blame them. I can only hate me.
I have three great friends now. They've seen me at my best and at my
worst...they're still here and they still love me. I don't know why.
I've tried pushing them away several times, but they wouldn't go. I
tried leaving them and myself so I couldn't hurt them anymore, but they
didn't let me go, didn't give up on me and won't let me give up on
myself...I love them so much.
Even after all this, I'm still terrified that one day soon that I'll lose
them. That they'll hate me and leave and I'll be alone.
Kelly
oh yeah, i can relate to this-tuning people out or talking over them or
walking away or hanging up on them or shutting them out and pushing them
away-oh, it is a nightmare...and if it is done to me I get so freaked
and suicidal...I don't know how to heal this and not take it in so deep
and hurt myself from their judgements and rejection-mainly it is when a
man rejects, judges, blames, invalidates me...it cuts me deeper than any
knife ever could...
anon
I was reading "Lost in the Mirror" (so far a pretty good book about BPD).
Seems that abandonmentment is one of the causes of splitting,according to
the author, a classic BP symptom. When I was about 7 my brother, sister and I
were sent to my aunt's house to live. We did not know at the time that my
mother had suffered an emotional breakdown and was put in a mental hospital.
All we knew was that she was all of a sudden not there. We also did not
know where our father was either, (my mother had left him). So we were
abondoned at that time by both parents. To this day trusting relationships
is extrememly difficult for me. I can not give of myself nor commit fully to
any relationship as I fear it will be taken away from me. I keep telling
myself it doesn't matter, but, it really does. Oh week, thanks for letting
me shre a bit of my story.
Diane
Rejection
