If BPD Spouse Leaves – What should Loved One do?

Ask A.J. Mahari, the BPD Coach, what you most want to know more about Borderline Personality Disorder. Andy writes and asks – “If a bpd spouse leaves the marriage should the non bpd try to contact her or use the “no contact rule” and wait to see if she comes back?” I have had many non borderline clients that I work with in life coaching, asking me this question as well. There is no one-size fits all answer and this is a situation in which working with me as your life coach can really benefit you because this is a transitional experience with the potential for the personal growth of the non borderline – the loved one.

There are choices that are often made by loved ones of a spouse with BPD that has left that often keep them stuck in pain and suffering and over-focusing on the person with BPD. It is important to know that you have no control over what your borderline spouse will do or not. You have to ask yourself if you want to be in a holding pattern or not? What about you? What about getting on with your life and healing? You may be placing yourself in the no-win situation of staying engaged in a toxic relational dance. 

The BPD Coach A.J. Mahari responds: 

Andy you ask a short but very involved and complex question. It is also a question that baffles many because the typical stereotype of people with Borderline Personality Disorder is that because they have such abandonment fear they won’t leave relationships. Many spouses and loved ones are shocked when their borderline partner leaves. Many don’t see it coming based upon so much of what is written about BPD – written in ways that makes it seem as if all with BPD will cling and be needy in ways that mean they won’t leave someone because they have too much need to live through others. It is also a commonly held belief that borderlines won’t leave because they are afraid to be alone. 

Before I respond to your question, Andy, I’d like to first say that you or anyone else in your situation could well benefit from purchasing and booking life coaching session with me. There are individual and situational dynamics that go on in these relationships on the part of both loved ones and those with BPD that can be further explored in the life coaching process that I can’t get into here. In a coaching session it would be possible to find out more about the dynamics and situation within which she left which would help me to further assist you.

Whether or not a non borderline spouse whose borderline spouse has left “should” try to contact her or use the “no contact rule” depends a lot on many of the individual circumstances in each situation and what has been going on in each relationship. There is no hard and fast rule. There is no one answer. 

Andy, your question, is somewhat black-and-white. You are wondering if you “should” contact her or if you should “use the no contact rule”. Firstly, I don’t see no contact as a rule of any sort. It is a choice that may need to be made when a relationship has become more harmful than helpful, when a relationship truly needs to end. Yet, most people are not ready for endings. No contact is not a rule. It is a method of breaking toxic and/or abusive relational patterns. It is a method whereby loved ones can begin to heal and recover. Non borderlines often do need to Break Free From the BPD Maze and find their own recovery. 

Loved ones will also benefit from overcoming denial about BPD and love Loved ones also need to become aware of the truth about trying to rescue or fix a borderline spouse. The illusion that you can control who your loved one with BPD is or isn’t is one that traps many in what are often toxic relationships. 

There is also the dilemma of how much punishment and splitting is at the heart of how many with BPD relate and the pain of loved ones whose expectations for a spouse are soon dashed. 

Cycles of “honeymoon-phase” relating, followed by inevitable conflict, followed by break-ups and then make-ups only to break-up again in what can become a dysfunctional pattern of relating in these relationships create a lot of heartache and confusion for loved ones. 

Your question, Andy, is one that seems to indicate that you are not ready to let go yet. Whether you contact her or decide to go no contact the fact that you also include waiting to see if she’ll come back to the possibility of employing “no contact” means that any no contact chosen on your part wouldn’t be the actual reason to use no contact. No contact is important for loved ones who are ready to let go. For loved ones who have decided they are not going to invest in any going back or taking the borderline back or waiting to see if she is coming back. 

It is also important to understand and gain awareness into the way that the person with BPD in your life is acting so that you can pull back and see a bigger picture that will help you to make choices based upon that needed awareness. As a life coach I help people in your situation to gain the awareness needed to make clear, healthy choices.

Once a borderline leaves, unless and until they get significant professional help, there is a strong chance that they will play this pattern out over and over again. Meaning that even if and when a borderline comes back, it will only culminate, sooner or later, in her leaving again. Some borderlines will come back to continue this relational pattern, others jump quickly into a relationship with the next person they meet. Many never turn back or come back. 

It is important to take this time to think more about what your relationship is like or has been like. Does it meet your needs? Is this what you envisioned for yourself in a marriage? Is this healthy for you? 

Too many loved ones get so focused on what the borderline is doing or isn’t doing that they forget to take care of themselves and to pay attention to their own needs. 

Your question, Andy, expresses the central and complicated conflict of so many loved ones of those of BPD. I would encourage you and anyone else in a similar situation wondering what to do to purchase and book life coaching sessions with me. There are growth opportunities and life lessons in this experience for you. It is important to give yourself the best chance at understanding what it is that you are experiencing from your borderline spouse so that you can learn to practice mindfulness and radical acceptance that will help you to gain more clairty about what you need and help you to shift from an over-focus on what the borderline will do or might do or might not do. The more you focus on your borderline spouse, the more you are losing yourself to what is unhealthy about the relationship and what is pulling you off balance inside of yourself.

No contact doesn’t sound like what you need or want right  now. However, having said that, that doesn’t mean that contacting her is in your best interest either.  This is the no-win experience that can unfold and trap loved ones especially if there is some codependence and/or enmeshment with a partner.

© The BPD Coach A.J. Mahari and Touchstone Life Coaching February 15, 2010 -  All rights reserved.  

If you would like to ask the BPD Coach, A.J. Mahari, a question, please email her at bpdcoachaj@yahoo.ca with your question. Please also indicate if you would be okay with your name being used if A.J. responds to your question here. If not, please suggest a pseudonym that you would like your question attributed to.  

All responses given by The BPD Coach, A.J. Mahari, are meant to convey general information and are not intended to be in anyway a specific recommendation or commentary on any personal life situation. Coaching is not therapy. It is also not a replacement for professional therapy. Coaching can be an effective adjunct to professional therapy for those with Borderline Personality Disorder and/or their loved ones. 

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