Ask the BPD Coach, A.J. Mahari, questions about Borderline Personailty Disorder on her interactive microblog. I have been married to my wife for 3 years. It has been a living hell in so many ways. It is painful loving her. It is intense. She has cheated on me, hit me, rages at me often. I really love her but feel that our relationship isn’t working. My question is: does my borderline wife really love me? J.B., U.S.A.

BPD Coach, A.J. Mahari Responds:

J.B., as I remind most people with questions, please know you are not alone. This is a question that I get very often from the partners, husbands and wives of those with Borderline Personality Disorder. You have identified for yourself that, at this point, your relationship is a “living hell” and “not working”. Your BPD wife has as you’ve said, “cheated” hit you and rages at  you often. None of these things you are experiencing from your BPD wife are love. You are quite right to be asking the question, “does [your] borderline wife really love [you]?

  • BPD Coaching With A.J. Mahari

    • A common misconception in so many relationships with a partner with BPD, on the part of the loved one of the BPD partner is that there could be love – healthy love – in all that is abusive and unkind, to put it mildly.

    Many loved ones of a borderline partner confuse the intensity of the situation and the roller coaster drama along with the high conflict as meaning that love is present or being sought after and literally fought for. The reality, however, the very painful reality for loved ones of a borderline partner is that what is present and being fought for or about is really toxic love – not healthy love.

    Dilemma -The Other Side of BPD Can Borderlines Love? Do Borderlines Feel Love? Ebook

     

    Loved Ones of BPD: Overcoming Denial About BPD and Love Audio Program

    Ebook and Audio Program © A.J. Mahari

    Love is not meant to hurt. Healthy love does not hurt. Healthy love is not something that creates or would be described ever as a living hell. It is the absence of healthy love – toxic love – that can and does lead to the experience of relating to someone with BPD that you describe.

  • BPD Coaching With A.J. Mahari

    • In answer to the question does your borderline wife love you, I’d have to say, no. No, she doesn’t because she truly is not capable of it because she has BPD. She may want to. She may try to. She may once in a while almost get there. However, people with Borderline Personality Disorder, until and unless they receive significant successful therapy and get on the road to recovery, are not able to consistently,  congruently, or age-appropriately cope with what healthy love is, means, and entails.

    © Ask The BPD Coach & A.J. Mahari, August 22, 2009 – All rights reserved.

    All responses given by The BPD Coach A.J. Mahari are meant to convey general information and are not intended to be in anyway a specific recommendation or commentary on any personal life situation. Coaching is not therapy, it is also not a replacement for professional therapy. Coaching can be an effective adjunct to professional therapy for those with Borderline Personality Disorder and/or their loved ones.

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