Archive for the ‘BPD Loved Ones Coaching’ Category

A.J. Mahari has 5 years experience as life coach working primarily with family members, loved ones, ex and relationship partners of people with Borderline Personality Disorder as well as those who have BPD.

Why would a love one – a non borderline – of someone who has BPD want or need or benefit from life coaching?

From the adult-child of 2 borderline parents to being diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) to recovering from BPD at the age of 38 to the non borderline role in a relationship with someone with BPD. I have extensive experience with the pain of both side of BPD. Six years after I had recovered from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) myself, I ended up in a relationship with someone who had BPD and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. What a mess. Paradoxically a mess that would make sense and order in my life in ways that I could not have ever imagined.

As I have written about in my ebook, Full Circle – Lesson For Non Borderlines, I too have had a relationship with a partner with Borderline Personality Disorder. It taught me so much more about BPD generally. Specifically this relationship I had taught me a tremendous more about the reality of the need for non borderlines to overcome denial about borderline love. It taught me about the pain and agony of the non borderline and it also taught me a lot about Borderline Personality Disorder and the reality of addiction.

My borderline/narcissist ex-partner was also addicted to alcohol. She was an alcoholic. As if these types of relationship aren’t impossible enough already. Addiction only adds to the likelihood that the borderline will lack the necessary self-awareness (even in the absence of a known self) to be able to see just how much they need help.

Many a relationship partner of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (and those with BPD and NPD) get caught up in the codependent and enmeshed need to rescue those with BPD. I know I did. I got caught up in this feeling and desire to rescue my borderline/narcissist ex from herself because I loved and cared about her and also because her personality disorders and her alcohol addiction were so familiar to me since I had 2 parents with BPD who were also alcoholics. Even though I thought I was beyond it all back then, I had not worked out enough of the remaining issues with my parents in terms of how I couldn’t rescue them so I tried, I think, not only to rescue my borderline ex but to rescue my un-rescued parents through her.

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• Purchase all 3 of ebooks for NON BORDERLINES packaged together with or without audio.
• Non Borderlines – You can purchase 6 ebooks packaged together with or without audio.
• Those with BPD and/or Non Borderlines can purchase A.J. Mahari’s 3 "Core Wound of Abandonment" series ebooks packaged together with or without audio.

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It was a crazy-making situation of epic proportions to be sure. Not only can we not rescue a borderline and anyone with BPD that also has NPD has an even more complicated road to journey but when addiction sits in the middle of what is already a very toxic relational dynamic there can be no hope short of the person with BPD/NPD and the alcohol addiction getting treatment and sticking with it.

In my experience with my alcohol-addicted borderline/narcissist ex each individual problem within this formidable triad of pathology blocked my efforts, the efforts of therapists, and even her best efforts to attempt to gain awareness. If she would become partially aware of a borderline issue her narcissistic defenses and needs would often block that. If she would become temporarily partially aware of any combination of her borderline/narcissistic pathology she would run to the alcohol and literally obliterate any memory of any conversation we had or therapy session she had wherein there was a slight light of a new awareness or of the responsibility she needed to take for the way that she devastated her career, her relationships, and her physical and emotional health.

I tried to rescue her. I tried to help her. I tried to give her the benefit of my own experience from my own borderline years but nothing could permeate her triad of pathology and dysfunctional defense mechanisms in any lasting way. In fact, in the time I knew her, things only kept getting worse.

With each turn for the worse she took, I in my non borderline enmeshed glory, felt increasing guilt and increasing helplessness that sometimes led me to try even harder – way too hard to rescue her to the point where I was no doubt stepping into an over-controlling relational style out of sheer desperation. It was not only about our relationship or if it would or could work out. It was not only about my unresolved past of attempting to rescue my parents from BPD and addiction. It was about the fact that this person I had loved and did care for and about was slowly killing herself.

As someone who has recovered from BPD, my survivor guilt really went through the roof. I didn’t know how to cope with that for a while. My survivor guilt didn’t just apply to my relationship with my borderline/narcissist ex it stemmed all the way back to the reality that both my parents remained untreated and unrecovered borderlines. It took me really working to disengage the codependent enmeshment that had been so familiar in many relationship in my life for me to begin to get clarity about just how unhealthy, toxic, and impossible this relationship was and why.

Many with Borderline Personality Disorder also have addictions. Addictions only fuel the borderline false self in ways that keep the borderline investing in everything toxically borderline.

I learned first-hand, as a recovered borderline, who is now a non borderline, that it really isn’t healthy to try or even possible to rescue someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (especially with NPD and an addiction) from his or her self – or from his or her lack of self.

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• Inside The Borderline Mind
• The Shame of Abandonment In BPD
• Breaking Free of The Borderline Maze – Recovery For Nons
• Facing the Facts of BPD – On The Other Side For Nons
• Overcoming Denial About BPD and Love

Audio Programs ? A.J. Mahari

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I also learned that we can expect to find these types of relationship unless and until we actually resolved the issues from our own pasts (non borderline pasts as well). What we do not resolve from the past will continue to show itself in the here and now and will especially continue to show itself through the relationships and relationship partners we choose to be with.

I know that I have now figured out what my unresolved issues were that led, in part to this most abusive and toxic relationship. I say in part because it is a rather complicated story which I outline in my ebook, Full Circle – Lesson For Non Borderlines.

In my triad of experience with Borderline Personality Disorder, among all the many things I have been blessed to learn, is the reality that there truly is no way to take responsibility for the choices of another human being. There is nothing healthy about toxic relationship dynamics. The non borderline cannot change the borderline or the toxic nature of the relational dynamic, he or she can only work to make healthy changes for him or herself.

It is not possible to rescue someone with just Borderline Personality Disorder. It is even more unlikely one could ever rescue someone with both BPD and NPD. It is even more futile to try to rescue someone with BPD/NPD and addiction issues. The choice to bang your head on this wall of futility is really, for the non borderline, a choice to avoid your own pain. I know, I tried it, I live it, I avoided some of my remaining pain. The relief only came when I ended the relationship – went no contact – and faced my own issues and pain.

Non borderlines cannot change borderlines. Only those who have been diagnosed with BPD can take the personal responsibility that is central to even having a chance to get on the road to recovery. Only those with BPD can rescue themselves.

? A.J. Mahari, July 20, 2008 – All rights reserved.

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A.J. Mahari is a Life Coach who, among other things, specializes in working with those with BPD and non borderlines. A.J. has 5 years experience as a life coach and has worked with hundreds of clients from all over the world.

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How can we as parents cope with our Borderline children or adult-children? Somehow, BPD has robbed these children of reality on all levels. I don’t think our BPD kids realize how far out there they really are. It’s as if they truly believe normal people live the way they do. Our parental examples do not seem to make any impact or bear relevance to their lifestyle.

Once again, it is like all the things we thought we taught have simply vanished in their world. I am sure most, if not all of us parents, pay the rent or mortgage, have jobs, deduct the check for food from the bank account, etc. Our children have seen us at the kitchen table laboring over which bill we must pay first and how and what we will cover next week. Just like Joan getting her license taken after 3 speeding tickets. Objective reality is non-existent. Jobs, money, laundry, paying the rent, personal hygiene, lice, Columbia CD or CD of the month Club, bill collectors, long distance bills, and ad infinitum somehow get lost in the struggle just to be I guess.

I firmly believe none of our kids are capable of surviving in a "nice way" on their own. They have already established a pattern of neglect for themselves. It should not be difficult to understand, intellectually anyway, their disregard and neglect for our grandchildren. It is so sad to see our grandchildren abused and not cared for. Yet, BPD must so distort our kid’s personal reality, they cannot see much past 30 seconds in the future, if that far in advance.

What is ordinary common sense to us, is not for the BPD children. We have touched upon this issue of late in several different ways. I do not pay any outstanding bills for Joan. Bill collector’s do not call me because my number is unlisted. My small community knows about Joan and it knows about us. Marg and I have learned not to give two damns about what others think or say about Joan. Mostly, our acquaitances tell us how wonderful Anne seems to be doing and "God Bless what you are doing." I am trying to say here that we all must consider what is right to do, not be concerned with what anybody else thinks about us or what we do.

As long as your BPD child is not a minor, you are in no way legally obligated (nor morally, I might add) to pay their bills.

In response to two mothers on an email list who wrote that they thought it was wishful thinking or false hope that kept them going back for more with their BPD adult children and that the only way they knew how to cope was to distance emotionally so that the pain, when inflicted, would somehow hurt less, Jackson wrote:

I cannot say what keeps you coming back for more abuse, I can tell you what makes me do what I do.

We left no stone unturned in an effort to help Joan in the earlier years. I mean we did everything concerned and loving parents would do to try and make Joan whole. You name it, we did it. Joan was sapping all of our energy every day. She was making the entire family dysfunctional.

Here is how I learned to cope fairly well with Joan. I reasoned things this way.

1) I am the horse who makes the money to feed and care for this family. If I cannot function in the provider role, the whole family goes into a tail spin. I must maintain my own sanity so I can work and make a living.

2) I used the analogy of an Oak tree to clarify my thinking. If an Oak tree has one bough that is sick and that sickness will eventually kill the entire tree, you must then cut the diseased tree bough to save the rest of the tree. I decided that Marg, Alice, and I needed to remain whole and healthy and I would have to sacrifice Joan.

3) I envisioned the worst that could happen to Joan living on her own. The worst I suppose was committing suicide or somehow getting herself killed. Of course prostitution, alcohol and drug abuse, homelessness, etc. all floated through my mind as possible consequences if I turned my back completely on Joan. I emotionally accepted the fact that if Joan killed herself or was murdered, I would grieve, but still get on with my life.

This rationale worked for me. I could have continued and could continue just fine without Joan in the picture. As hard as it was to "write off" my first born, I knew if I were to survive, I had to make that horrible emotional break.

Many parents report that their Borderline children never see themselves or their problems as the problem. It is always something or someone else and they keep changing and searching seemingly to no avail.

It is just this observation that makes dealing with our children so hard. Rather than sit back and evaluate themselves, they resort to blaming their environment for the problems in their life. The bad situations are a result of others, not them. So, they keep on searching, finding, and again abandoning what they have found for other tempting, greener pastures. The process is self-repeating and self- defeating except they do not know it or understand this process about themselves. Now this is an acceptable way to learn and grown at earlier ages. It is not a successful strategy for adults. Most adults realize sooner or later the grass is really no greener anywhere else. Our BPD kids do not seem to learn this lesson at any age and keep falling flat, seeking the answers with another partner, another child, another job, another boyfriend, another husband, another and another and another.

Until the BPD person wants and realizes there is something terribly wrong, they continue to lay the blame off on others and nothing changes.

In response to a question from a woman on an email list who asked how much of our lives do we have to give up for these kids, Jackson replied:

Spit your anger out. Don’t conceal it. Let your child know his/her behavior directly affects you. Our BPD children must come to know they are not islands. They must constantly be made aware how their behavior directly impacts on all with whom they are connected. Let him/her know you bleed just like he/she does. And, get angry because his/her conduct provokes your personal fury on oh so many levels. Try to express this anger after your real rage passes. If you bite him/her back during an angry episode, you will just get angrier and angrier at his/her refusal to see your side of things.

Sometimes, when the situation becomes calmer, the Bpd child can see your point a tiny bit better. During BPD’s rages, they are focused and consumed with themselves more than usual (if you can make this distinction). You are simply an object to vent their strange resentments and anger through. I try now, with all my might, not to bite Joan back when she rages out of control. Protect yourself first, easier said then done because of our parenting instincts but try none-the-less. Know others like us do understand how angry and resentful our borderline children make us.

Jackson’s take on the Disrespect Borderlines Show Parents

Here’s my take on BPD disrepect — We, as parents of BPD children, are disrepected continually within our scope of interaction. But, this disrepect often comes from the fact that these selfish daughters have not made it out of pre-teen emotional status yet. These daughters are still locked in the fragile pre-teen years on an emotional level trying to reconcile the oncoming march to adulthood. I have finally come to recognize we are dealing with emotionally illiterate children. We view these daughters as incompetent adults in just about every life area. They really are women with no idea how to function emotionally as adults. We interpret this as disrespect. I am finally beginning to truly believe, in large measure, these daughters just missed some brain connection to reality. Of course, I also believe, our daughters most certainly manipulate to achieve their own ends. They are fully aware of the manipulation–they are not aware that the manipulation gains them nothing in the end — only more heartache.

They really do not understand their infantile emotional urges. We suffer the disrespect for sure. I pose the idea that most of the disrespect centers on the infantile emotional nature of an ego-centric pre-teen searching for a stable emotional identity not yet found. That was a mouthful!! It could be bullshit too –just a thought on this anyway.

What About Our Borderline Children’s Children – Our Granchildren?

The fly in the ointment’s name is Anne. If my granddaughter was not in the picture, Joan would not be living with me today. Marg simply said she could not live with herself knowing we did not try and save Anne. With great trepidation, I acceded to my wife’s need to try and do right for our granddaughter.

For those of you with grand children to care for, we realize the gigantic commitment you are making for we have committed to the same goal. Understand, however, we all have choices and we have chosen this path. We could and can walk away at any time. You do have a choice as do we. There are mental health issues to deal with no matter which way you turn — and these issues directly involve us as well as the BPD child and grandchild.

For those of you who have no grandchildren, are having one coming soon, or are afraid you will have one: I will make this very clear and as short as possible.

1) If you cannot make the commitment to go all the way with the grandchild, do not get to know the grandchild. Do not get involved in pre-natal care issues, go for the birth, visit etc.. Once you know that little innocent baby, you are finished. Better to not get involved in grandparenthood. If Joan has another child, count me out per this paragraph. I will not ever do this again.

2) If you cannot let the BPD child in your life go, you must accept the fact that their crisis is your crisis. You have chosen to die a thousand deaths and refused to accept and understand their is nothing you can do to change someone else’s behavior. I am not saying it is easy to leave the child on her own — certainly not. I am saying, in my opinion, you are throwing your own life away in an entirely fruitless project which will bring you much pain and heartache.

&copy Jackson

A.J. Mahari offers Life Coaching Programs for Family Members, Relationship partners or ex-partners of those with BPD – non borderlines.

A.J. Mahari’s Life Coaching Programs for non borderlines are available via email or phone sessions. If you would like to purchase a program for phone sessions please note that the cost of any long distance charges you might incur is not included in the cost of the program.

A.J. Mahari has been recovered from Borderline Personality Disorder and writing about Borderline Personality Disorder online for over 10 years. She has been working with non borderlines as a life coach for almost five years now. A.J. has been on both sides of this personality disorder. She has left both sides of it behind in her own personal life.

As a life coach A.J. Mahari has a dynamic, compassionate, creative, and supportive approach. Specifically in her work with the family members, relationship or ex-relationship partners of those with Borderline Personality Disorder – non borderlines, A.J., as someone who had 2 borderline parents, has recovered from BPD, and who had a relationship (after her recovery with someone with BPD/NPD) knows from her own first hand experience the obstacles that will present themselves as challenging growth opportunities in the process of change and recovery for those who are non borderlines and who are grappling with the heartache and pain that is life on the other side of Borderline Personality Disorder.

Staying in The Relationship

This 8 session life coaching program for non borderlines focuses on coming to an understanding of the process of working to stay in a relationship – or for family members – how to best stay in a an active relational dynamic with someone with BPD without compromising or losing your health or sanity.

Purchase This Life Coaching Program with A.J. Mahari

Leaving The Relationship or Relationship Has Ended

This 10 session life coaching program, with and designed by A.J. Mahari, for non borderlines focuses on developing an emotional preparedness for leaving a relationship with someone with BPD or for those whose relationships have ended or been ended by the borderline, this program focuses on coping with the crazy-making lack of closure. In this life coaching program, for those in the process of leaving or for those who have left the borderline, A.J. Mahari will help you to come to the kind of deep and insightful understanding of BPD and what has just happened in your life that can and will help you break free from what is often an on-going emotional roller-coaster of questions. This program can also help family members who are in the process of disengaging a borderline relative or who know they need to break ties with a family member with BPD.

Purchase This Life Coaching Program with A.J. Mahari

? Touchstone Life Coaching Services 2008 – All rights reserved.

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• A.J.’s Ebooks
• The Shame of Abandonment in BPD Audio By A.J. Mahari
• A.J.’s Audio Programs

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